How to get dumped gracefully By Gwen Holme

Do you rerun memories about happy moments you and he spent together, sharing warmth and professing tenderness? Do you then wonder how those joyful times suddenly evaporated? Now you're sitting on love's doorstep, chilly and heartbroken, craving the affection you once shared. Turns out that Romeo decided it was time to move on — without you. Ouch.

There are plenty of songs about breaking up, and every one talks about how tough it is to do. They're right. If you fully believed that the two of you made a great duo, it's going to take time to get over your shock and disappointment. Here are some tips to nurture your dignity and get through the pain of being dumped. Even if you've been given your walking papers, you can hold your head high and behave gracefully.

Here's how:

Keep perspective
Every swing at romance won't yield a home run, and it's unrealistic to expect it to. Sometimes you just get a line drive or are tagged out. Being dumped is painful, but it doesn't mean that the universe is out to get you. Learn what you can from the past, give yourself time to heal, and move on.

Rip the bandage off quickly
Let the break be clean and fast. Forget drunken, late night pleading phone calls — they won't win you points. Nor will stalking him at his new girlfriend's place, or secretly watching his every move online. Rita is proud of the time she saw a break-up coming, and surprised him by keeping her cool. (She broke down and cried privately, the next day.) She recommends you calmly ask for your things back, "because long after you've gotten over him, you'll still be missing your stuff."

Mourn and move on
Get him out of your system. Pour your frustration on paper by writing a journal or making a collage. If you've got it bad, make a voodoo doll or burn photos. But don't insist on remaining friends or hunker down waiting for a reconciliation. "Chances are, he'll dump you again," says Caren, who learned her lesson the hard way. "I was dumped three times by the same guy. I felt like Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football."

Get busy with something else
Exercise, laughter and other connections can soothe and restore you. Jenna says the best strategy is to get busy, and remind yourself you have a life without him. Go to a spa, visit old friends, even go to the zoo. "Resist the urge to sit around the house with a box of Hohos listening to sappy love music that reminds you of him while wearing the same old pajamas for three days," she advises.

Look to future romance
Today's disappointment just makes it all the sweeter when you do find a win-win connection. Diana had been devastated when Mr. Right said he no longer loved her. "It took months to finally end things because I kept humiliating myself by calling him at all hours," she said. Years later, he tracked her down and wrote that he couldn't stop thinking about her. But she had gotten back into circulation, and made a new life rich with love. So she knew just how to reply: "I emailed him my wedding picture with a one-word response: Thanks!"

The book I ordered from Amazon.com finally got here. I was expecting it to come days ago. It is for an online TEFL course that I wanted to start. There are so many things I feel like I could and should be doing with my time. To keep my mind off of being hurt and to feel like I am being productive. I feel like I have moved into this really depressed place where I am tired all the time.

I got a major wake up call this morning...literally. A very rude bill collector, who I told off. I also found out that I need more pages in my passport and that is going to cost me $60 and lost time. I am hoping to God that I can get the visa taken care of in time. I have so little time, so little money and I am visiting people. This weekend I am doing a workshop on pioneering at the S.C. Baha'i Summer School...I am not prepared at all. From there I am driving to VA Beach to visit family. Next weekend I go to Florida to visit family. Ahhhh!! and for some reason this all feels good!!! This is what my life was like until a year ago. "Adalia, the busy." Now I am "Adalia, sit on her a@@ and do nothing."

What a strange time for me. And it is all by choice. Everything. How I choose to handle all the changes and hardships in my life and I am unhappy with my choices.

I have just finished moving everything from MySpace to here. I hope that I am able to streamline this blog so that more of my friends read it.

Cheating with MySpace

I have been playing around with MySpace but I am finding that it seems to be more of a "hook up" spot than a place to stay in touch with friends. I want people to be able to read my blog when I have updated it. I have written to the Blogger folks to find out if this is a feature that they offer. I also want to start putting up photos if I could just figure out how!!!!!

The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off

I just finished watching the story of Johnny Kennedy, a young man who had a rare and painful disease that caused his skin to rot. He lived for 30 years with this condition before he died in 2003. I am certain that he probably went through many stages in his life trying to grasp the wisdom of what his life was to mean. In the final stages of his life though, I got the message that he had come to understand that there is so much more to this thing we call living. He spoke of how shallow it is for people to think that we only are born and then we die. He suffered through this painful living for 30 years and was able to grasp what, I as a healthy person struggle to grasp, and that is that we are put on earth to do more than live. I think of myself. The things that I let get to me. The things that I let break my spirit. The things that I concern myself with. I want more than the life that I live. One of mediocrity and selfishness. I don't want to be famous and I don't want to inspire others, I just simply want to be at peace and know that I am living life as God intended...with love, passion, grace, and the courage to serve others with all my heart. To not complain and become depressed. I want to be able to look at everything in my life as another opportunity to see that my soul is what animates the shell of my physical prescence. At the end of "The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off", Johnny Kennedy spoke of his hope that by telling his story, it may cause me to think...and he has.

Forgiveness

It all has to do with forgiveness. Forgiving myself for not seeing his true way earlier. Forgiving him for not being who I thought he was. Forgiving and not being so hard on him or myself. Forgiveness is a hard virtue to learn because it truly requires you to let go and become detached. You want to hold on to the anger. You want to hang on to the hurt. It is a human created form of atonement or penance...not God centered or created at all. At its core, a very selfish and self-centered way to handle a broken heart. I think it is hard to understand how to forgive but still have boundaries and protect ones self. I think it is hard to forgive myself when I know that I have let my center be trampled on. Forgiveness.

I went back and edited ****'s name out of all of my entries. Reading through some of the stuff I wrote as I was getting to know him really opened my eyes to why I am where I am now. I got too close too fast and put too much trust in him without really knowing him. Whose fault is that? I may not be able to change the past I will definitly be doing some new things to have a more stable and happy future...keeping him out of my life. If we run into each other we run into each other. If we don't we don't. I won't answer any emails. I don't want to be bothered with trying to figure myself out around him. I feel like I am at a very crucial stage and my learning curve is about to change. He has given me alot to work with and this time I have learned. Believe me...I have learned.

i don't have time for this!!!

6 months after meeting *****.....

I am back in a bad way again. I don't know what keeps triggering these episodes. I am so angry at *****. I am so hurt by him too. I hate the fact that I tried being friends with him after things ended. It has put more pressure on me now. I am not sure which person is the real person. The guy I met at first or the one that decided he didn't want to be with me later. His behavior changed. Instead of conversations there were debates and the things I thought we saw eye to eye on we didn't. I am not sure who he is and I really don't feel comfortable continuing a friendship with him. He isn't clear and I have lost trust in him.

I realised this morning he is a low level leech. I say low level meaning that he isn't obvious and not completely draining but draining enough. He gets what he wants but stays distant. Once has what he wants he moves on...until he wants something else. I once said to him that he would make a good marriage partner but that was before I really knew him. That was before I knew it was all about him. Him getting what he wanted. Before I saw and felt the extent to which he protects and guards himself. That is all well and good as long as he didn't try to pull someone else into his life but giving the impression that he wanted something while all the time knowing it wasn't going to be recipricol is s888y...the funny thing is that he expected me to remain open and giving. I think what has pissed me off even more is piece of a conversation that my sister had with him that she shared with me, "Well, **** and I decided that the perfect woman for him is a blend of you and me." What that hell? That would have been pretty cool to say if the guy had never gotten involved with me.

I was so busy trying not to be angry at him in the beginning that I took responsibility for myself but never resolved the anger I had towards him that is quite natural. I felt bad for being angry.

What a mess!!!

Beauty Remembered

Today I drove the familiar route of Hwy 52 through the out skirts of Darlington, pass the Darlington Race Track...home of the Southern 500 into Hartsville. Following my little half sister's directions, I passed boarded corner stores and run down homes that I remembered being very much alive as a child.

Then I passed Lincoln Village. The place where I spent the first five years of my life and countless summers visiting my Grandma Sara. She would braid my hair outside on the stoop all the while holding conversations only meant for the adults to take part in. It was there, sitting at my grandmothers feet that I saw a gay man for the first time with his strange accent, overly femimine gestures, wearing make up occasionally. It was there, in Lincoln Village that I ran and played with my cousins and bought icees at the corner store for 10 cents. It was there that I can remember the smell of collards, corn bread, rice, taste of very sweet kool aid and my stomach rumbling. In Lincoln Village I learned the truth about inappropriate sexual attention in hushed conversations, clouded shame, the quiet acceptance of the reality and that I was not the only victim. In my grandma's house we would play "Trouble" for hours, listen to her old 45's, or the preacher on the radio. In Lincoln Village few apartments had air conditioners so there was the ever present fan in the living room pushing heat from one side to the other. In Lincoln Village I knew the life of the poor and the forgotten because I was one of them. In my memory it has always been a place of beauty, full of color and life because the first 5 years of my life when I was an avid learner, a sponge, Lincoln Village was all I knew.

The Lincoln Village I knew is no more. It is now a shell of decaying buildings, dark windows, weeds, disrepair...a place forgotten like the people who once lived there. A great saddness set into my heart, a finality to my grandmother's death and a closing on my childhood. As I passed in my car I looked at the building my grandmother once lived in, the summer heat all around me, a slight breeze in the air and I remembered beauty.

Changing the Curve

I went back through my other blog and edited ****'s name out of all of my entries. Reading through some of the stuff I wrote as I was getting to know him really opened my eyes to why I am where I am now. I got too close too fast and put too much trust in him without really knowing him. Whose fault is that? I may not be able to change the past I will definitly be doing some new things to have a more stable and happy future...keeping him out of my life. If we run into each other we run into each other. If we don't we don't. I won't answer any emails. I don't want to be bothered with trying to figure myself out around him. I feel like I am at a very crucial stage and my learning curve is about to change. He has given me alot to work with and this time I have learned. Believe me...I have learned.

Korea Update

Got new itinerary...not as sweet as the first one. I will leave on July 19th...less than a month away!!! YIPEEE!!!

I HATE this!!

I have just gotten back to my friend's place after dancing at Salsa Cabana. I had a nice time. Didn't dance with a whole lot of people but I had a nice time.

Got an email from my recruiter, my visa is on the way!!! I am so relieved! I was a little worried that there might be a problem but NOT!!!
I am feeling a little pensive today.

I am missing someone that I wish I didn't miss and it bothers me that I do miss him. I feel like such an idiot for even getting involved with him that I feel even stupider for missing him. Why do people like me do this to themselves? Why can't I just get it through my head that he just wasn't ready and that there is nothing wrong with me? Why do I keep feeling like I am lacking in some way? I wish I could just let go but if I do it would mean admitting to myself that the whole thing was a mistake and I put alot into nothing. ARGH!!! I hate this!!!

Scattered Thoughts

Well, I got an email from **** yesterday that he arrived safely in Korea and so far so good.
I started doing an email devotional yesterday and so far so good.
I gotta start throwing stuff away and repacking my stuff. I am still waiting on the official itinerary and the documents to get my visa. I am getting more and more excited as the days pass and time is getting short.
I am starting to change that negative tape running in my mind. I want to continue doing it because I do feel so much better.

Last night I hung out with my friend Pierre who is home on vacation from teaching English in Paris. We had an enjoyable time eating dinner at a Mexican restaurant. My mother and sister joined us later which made the evening feel complete. Pierre was my first boyfriend ever. I was 20. I can't believe that 10 years have passed and he and I are really good friends. About two years ago we hung out for the first time after not seeing each other for a long time. It was the highlight of my vacation. We hung out in Charleston and had some very deep, funny, and chillin' conversations. I love the fact that I have such authentic, down to earth, hilarious friends.

Rising Sign..Scorpio

June 23, 2005

You don't doubt your level of commitment, but fear the lack of commitment in others. If only other people would sign a contract to be faithful forever, never changing their feelings toward you. Alas, life does not work this way, much as you wish that it would. Fortunately, the opposition of the Moon and Saturn is going to allow you to better control your fear of abandonment.

Words to Remember..thanks Jen

Poem quoted by Nelson Mandela...shared with me by Jen...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are power beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.We ask ourselves...

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually... Who are you not to be? You playing small doesn't help the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people don't feel insecure around you.

We were born to manifest the LIGHT that is within us. It is not just in some of us.It is in everyone.

As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

HOw 2 turn Off da tApe?

Something I have come to realise over a period of time is that I have a very negative tape the runs in my mind continuously. I have this negative self image that I project on others. Maybe it is my way of keeping my ego in check...I don't know. What I do know is that I need to learn to turn it off. The things I repeat to myself in my mind are like poison and I allow these thoughts to arrest any good thing I could be doing. I brow beat myself into lethargy and discontent. Those who are closest to me say that I am too hard on myself and subsequently, others. I don't know what this means. I don't know what it is that I do. I am so used to this way of thinking that I don't know any other way. It is making me cynical and I don't want that.

Beauty in Serendipity

It is strange how people enter into my life. Two weeks ago when I went down to Charleston I didn't write about the woman I met. She is the director of an African Dance and Drumming group there. I saw their performance and was so touched with happiness. I caught up with her later to tell her how grateful I was for the performance. We got to talking and I discovered that we connected instantly. I can't explain it. She really felt like we met eachother for a reason and I agree with her. We have similar talents and focus on young people.

Then there is my friend Jess. I met her again, of all places, at Morehouse College where our brothers were graduating. Her brother was one of two white men to graduate from the historically black men's college. The last time I saw this woman was 12 years when I was her camp counselor at Baha'i Summer Academy. She was 15 and I was 18. We were at a Morehouse reception and saw eachother and I nearly fell out. What made this meeting so incredible was the fact that she is working with a non-profit organization in Buenos Aires that works with street kids. She was describing the program and I was telling her of what my future plans were in education. We found that our goals were very similar so now I am thinking of going down there after I get my masters. We'll see.
No one who has come into my life and has placed possibilities in my life are insignificant. There is beauty in this.

Stupid ****

My friend **** left for Korea this morning and is still in the air somewhere between. He has been on my mind off and on today. I hope that things go okay for him when he arrives. This is his first time going to a foreign country and I know that it might be very overwhelming for him. Despite the fact that I am still angry with him for the jack a@@ way he didn't call me until the last minute and some other things I have been keeping to myself, I know that such emotions are meant to be tranistory. He'll be fine.

Korea..Here I Come

I am going to KOREA!!!! Yes, it is official. I am leaving from Myrtle Beach South Carolina at 6:00am on July 18th. I arrive in South Korea at 6:45pm July 19th!!! And what makes it even sweeter is that I will be flying the longest leg of the trip (12 hours) on Singapore Airlines. For anyone who has travelled internationally before this airline is so swish...right up there with British Airlines. I will write more later. Gotta get ready for work.

A Magical Night

I danced so hard last night that my entire body aches. I finally had a group of people come with me and although the danced hardly at all, they still had fun. I am so tired now. I think I got home around 3:00am. I had so many wonderful partners that different styles of dancing. I hardly sat down. By the end of the evening there were a few guys trying to dance with me at once. That was WILD!!! The minute I got my stuff to leave that was when guys to approach me at once.

What made the night even more satisfying is that we went to a Korean restaurant right before. It is the one I go to all the time on Decker Bvd....anyway my friends LOVED the food and we all got STUFFED!!!
It was a magical, lovely night and what made it so was the friends I was with.

Karen Salmansohn: Why Aren't You Married?

If you're single, chances are you've been asked the following three questions: Why aren't you married?Why aren't you married?and the very, very popular:Why aren't you married?... give or take another 999,999,997 more such questions.

Unfortunately, I can’t fix you up with any cute guys or girls to help you avoid these questions in the future. However, I can fix you up with some good snappy comebacks to fling at anyone who dares to question your single status. So, next time somebody dares to ask you that “Why aren't you married?” question, pause, smile sagaciously (I love that word; it means “wisely”), and offer up one of the following. Or, just review them for your own personal satisfaction.

1. In the beginning, there were no elliptical trainers or low-fat/high-fiber muffins, and so people lived to only about 40-something. Maximum. Meaning, the pressure was on to get married before age 25. However, today, thanks to medical advances, we can all hope to live to 80. Easy. Meaning? Even if we marry at age 40, that's still 35, 45, even 55 years to be with a mate. Plenty of time to be married. What's the hurry?

2. Married people are not necessarily better catches simply because they were caught. I mean, have you taken a look at some of the married people out there? Seriously. Even Frankenstein got married. Obviously married people are not superior people.

3. Meanwhile, look at some of our cool single role models:

Catwoman: Single.
Buddha: Single.
The Lone Ranger: Single.

Actually, virtually all superhero types are single: Superman, Wonder Woman, Dudley Do-Right. And then there’s The Ultimate Superhero: God—also single.

4. Plus, when you think about it, there’s no such thing as a Stepford Single Woman.

5. Why limit myself to being dissatisfied by one relationship when I can be dissatisfied by an infinite variety?

6. It’s interesting how our culture has the expression “happily married,” but no expression “happily single.” And those words are 100% certified by the US Census Bureau. Statistics show that although married men are reported to be happier than single men (surprise, surprise!)—single women are reported to be happier than married women (also a big surprise, surprise!). Meaning? This only furthers the irony that single women are branded as "unhappy” and “lonely” and “loser-esque"—when single women are just boldly holding out for the right situation, rather than getting married just to get married.

7. It's easy to become married. Millions of people do it every year. If you want to pressure me to become something, hey, why not pick something a little more challenging—like an astrophysicist.

8. True love is rare. That's why it's called "love" and not "really like" or "settling." And why we don't say: "I’m settling for you, honey" over candlelit dinners. True love is worth waiting for…and that’s what I’m doing.

Karen Salmansohn is a life coach and the best-selling author of 27 books. Visit her at www.notsalmon.com. Adapted from Even God Is Single: So Stop Giving Me A Hard Time, copyright 2000 by Karen Salmansohn. Used by permission of Workman Publishing Co., Inc., New York. All rights reserved.

? 2 Ponder

Okay, there is this guy (isn't that a great line!!) that I was involved with in a pseudo relationship. I call it pseudo because things got so confusing and he never really opened up. My question is, if a person knows they aren't ready for a relationship, why initiate anything or give indications that there is a possibility? Tell me if I am wrong but this seems very selfish and dishonest to me.
Me being the person that I am, takes full responsibility for the fact that I let myself be vulnerable without taking the time to know the guy's true intentions. I am coming to realise that this is one of my many flaws. I give too much too soon to people who don't deserve to look into my soul.
Now we really haven't talked for a couple of weeks. I have some questions for him but things have changed so much. He has become arguementative and I do not know if that is how he really is and he was not being himself before or if he is behaving like this because he now has an even bigger wall up. The funny thing is that he seemed to expect me to be vulnerable but not himself. Having said this, do I ask him the questions or just let the whole thing go?

Picnicking...Chinese Take Out Style
I finally got to the park and found a nice spot under a tree to set up for a lunch time picnic. It was a beautiful, warm, breezy day. In this particular section of the park there was only me and a family of three sitting on blankets. The festival had not yet begun. I was less than half-way finished with the small amount of food I dished out for myself when I realised that there was no way I was going to finish it. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I have a small stomach and am proned to eating small amounts at 3 hour intervals or that I had no way to keep the food from going bad. I was so hungry that I wasn't realistic. The family across the way...yeah I could ask them, "Would you like some Chinese food?" Just as I thought this, one of the family members waved at me. I looked around to see if it was meant for someone else but no, I was the only person sitting in the path of the wave. After a few more moments of debate, I went over and offered. They accepted and I thanked them for helping me by accepting. I was so happy that they weren't offended. I walked over to the public bathroom to wash lunch off my hands and laughed to myself seeing the door labeled, 'Womams'. Feeling refreshed, I went back to my blanket and enjoyed the sun peeking out from behind lazily moving, billowy clouds.

Soul Food, AW Yeah...Chinese, okay

Now, sista is on a budget and I can't be spending big bucks on lunch so I head over to the Food Lion I passed on the way in. Man, the deli isn't making sandwiches. "Mam, can you tell me where a good cheap restaurant is?" "Sorry, I'm not from here I 'm from Cheraw. He might know"...the woman in the deli says pointing to a guy restocking the dairy section. "Hey, yeah, would you know where there is a good restaurant?" "There aren't any restaurants around here. They're all downtown." "They're no restaurants here?" I asked increduously..."I gotta go back down town?" I am shocked that in a heavily populated area there would be no restaurants. I was thinking, so the people here have to go downtown if they want to eat out? It made no sense. Then he asked the golden question. "Do you want soul food?" Now, when I said cheap, good food I guess he was thinking "tourist"...meaning the "white" area. "Yeah, soul food!" "Well there is a good place on East Bay St. You know how to get there?" "Nah, I don't." "Okay, you gonna take a left on the street up here and when you get to a blinking traffic light make a right."..."He'll get you lost. Don't take directions from him"...a young woman says smiling as she walks by to check out the dairy section. "Follow that road to East Bay and take a right. The restaurant in on the left. It's called 'Martha Lou's'...real good eatin'." Thanking him profusely and the woman in the deli for directing me to him, I head off to my car with visions of collard greens in my mind. I followed his directions but could not find East Bay St. I kept arriving at the entrance to the interstate. Now, I am feeling extremely hungry and my stomach is eating itself. I finally pull into a Church's Chicken and ask an old man standing outside the restaurant, "Where is East Bay street?" "Where are you going?" "To Martha Lou's" "Oh yeah, let me go inside and get some change and you can follow my car there." So, I follow his white Caddy, you know, the kind that old people in the South drive. A big boat of a car that has style. We arrive at a pink building with hand painted "Martha Lou's" over the entrance which, despite the hours painted 'Open: Saturday 9-4', a 'Closed' sign is in the door. I could not hide my disappointment and my stomach screamed in anger. I thanked the nice gentleman and headed back toward the park. Then I saw it!!! I had passed it at least three times and though it wasn't soul food, I didn't mind settling. In a small building on the corner of King and Romney was 'Great Wall Express'...Chinese take out and delivery. Going inside I ordered a small shrimp a brocolli, a small wonton soup, and a sweet tea. While I sat waiting for my order I read with some amusement, what was written on a very large cup..."No Refill. Sweet Tea. $1.00"...This was a take out/delivery place only. Do people actually take the time to come back there for refills? I didn't ask.

Where is...?

So, I head off for the park going in the wrong direction...no it's not near the water as I had imagined. So I try to back track then I realise the street I want to take is one way at this particular spot...so I gotta take the parallel road then cut over further up. Traffic isn't bad. It is a moderately nice day. I got good tunes going. I got enough gas...so I'm not trippin'. As I go further up towards the park I see the change in lanscape and feel the changing vibes. I move from the well kept, thoughtfully maintained, predominately white part of town into the run down, ignored black part of town. I feel at ease in both spots but I must admit that the latter feels more like home to me. I know I am in the area for the park, at least that is what my map says, but I can't find it. I pull down a dead end street and ask a guy, "Where is the park?" He and the guy with him are trying to find out who is going to answer...all non-verbal of course. "Well," he says, "You go back up and take a right. At the next street take a right. Go up to Rutledge and take a left. You will see the park. Take a right and follow the street around." I give a big, smiling thanks and do a u-turn. Following his directions I get to the park. I am much too early. Man, I am hungry. Where to eat?

Driving

I hit 95 south and let the speedometer needle hit 80...sometimes 85 but no higher. I missed driving while I was in Korea. I put one of my mix cd's in the player and went into "driver meditation". I let things become quiet inside as I made my way to Charleston, South Carolina. I think alot when I am driving. I don't think at all when I am driving. It is hard for me to have someone in the car with me who isn't comfortable with silence. When I am in a car on a long trip, it is my time to be quiet. I am pulled forward by the destination and the car seems to move on its own.
I came to the familiar surroundings of Mt. Pleasant..a town right outside of Charleston. I could feel my excitement mount as I changed the cd to another one. A crazy mix of live Cuban Salsa music...a compilation made for me by a Korean friend. I let all the windows down and the music spilled out. My favorite part of the drive is when I cross the waterway on a really narrow bridge which connects the town to the city. Following the signs for downtown, I made my way to the Visitors Center to find out how to get to the Piccolo Spoleto Festival Finale. I discovered that I had passed the location and had to make my way back. This began my 2 hour long adventure finding the park and a place to eat.

Spoleto Fest

Looks like a good weekend to head down to Charleston. This is the last weekend of the Spoleto Festival and there is a finale event in one of the parks today. I better get on the road!!!

letting go...opening doors

Okay this is going to be a BEAUTIFUL weekend. I am almost jumpy with anticipation. I love heat and sun and the feel of both on my skin!!! Yeah, so I have decided I will go Salsa dancing saturday nite then head to charleston on sunday...yep!! I have been hankering to go to charleston since i got back. i wish i had a digital camera so that i could chronicle my experiences with images.
i am coming out of my funk. i just had to let go and decide that i would not let things get to me. the guy really isn't good for me as anything more than a friend. i gotta get okay with that.
i am also thinking about how i could get myself another career that would compliment being a teacher and will get me through grad school. Pilates trainer or massage therapist...both would be fantastic but one of them would be cool. we'll see. i am thinking i wil write to some folks and try to reconnect with some sources.

Choices

One of my friends is having an abortion tomorrow. I didn't really think much about it until today. I thought about the fact that I was almost adopted. I don't know if abortion was ever an option in my mom's mind but ,if it was, I am happy that she let me live...and that she kept me.

Movie..Documentary

"Lords of Dogtown"...good movie..."Dogtown and Z-Boys"...awesome documentary. You gotta see both.

Easy Decision

"Hey, mama. Can I use the car to drive to D.C. ?"
"What for?"
"For two reasons...the Salsa Congress and one of my friends wants me to visit her."
"No."
That is how the decision was made that I am not going to the D.C. Salsa Congress.

Getting Out of the Funk

I think I am beginning to move out of the funk I was in. I am so hurt by the ended relationship but it is really important that I am able to shake it off. I am also trying to get myself to focus more on what I need to be doing...I just have no motivation. I think if I were doing things that we were important to me or engaged my mind, I would not be having such a hard time at the moment. There comes a point when a person has to just pull their head out of their a@@ and get things going. I know I have been wallowing and it is draining my energy. No wonder I haven't felt motivated. Silly Girl!!!

BLAH!!!!

I have gotten myself into a corner...just feeling funky. I gotta get out. I gotta erase..eject the tape running in my mind. I gotta get to talking with God. I just am not motivated....

D.C. Salsa Congress...

Do I go to the D.C. Salsa Congress or not? That is the BIG question. If I go I get to not only dance my legs into mush but I also get to spend time with some of my dearest friends. I gotta check the finances but I am wondering if I can make it happen. My mind needs airing out...I need distance too. The Salsa Congress in Seoul, South Korea was on point and it would be interesting to check out one here in the States. Maybe I can figure out how to dance "on two"...ahhhhh!!! I hate it when guys ask, "Do you dance on one or on two?" WHO CARES???!!! Just dance...if you can move than I can follow. When they ask that it throws me off cuz now I have to think about it. Anyways...do I go?

The Impossible

today has been a strange day. i woke up with a heaviness on my heart and i have been a little sad all day. on the trip to beaufort i realised that there is so much i still want to do. that i could end up being single for a very long time because i cannot see anyone being able to support me or share these aspirations. since the last relationship i was in has ended, i realised that i have come to a point in my life where i am tired of getting myself hurt. yeah, when i was younger i could say, "oh this is part of the experience..this is life" i could say it because i knew no better. this time i knew better and still got myself hurt. i am beginning to get a better picture of the type of person i need to be with and it is becoming more and more impossible with each botched relationship. i know i want someone who adores me...i have never been adored. i want someone cares enough about what is going on in my life that he asks me. i want someone who dances. i want someone who is brave. i want someone who knows himself. i want someone who wants to and can take care of a family. i want someone who is honest. i want someone who is grounded and can balance me. i want someone who believes and trusts in God and His guidance. i want someone with a sense of humor. i want someone who wants to live a life of service to others. i want someone who is optimistic about life. i want someone who has experienced trials in his life so he doesn't take for granted what he has...that life has not made a victim of him. i want someone is able to be spontaneous and is also able to plan. i want a man.

the impossible

today has been a strange day. i woke up with a heaviness on my heart and i have been a little sad all day. on the trip to beaufort i realised that there is so much i still want to do. that i could end up being single for a very long time because i cannot see anyone being able to support me or share these aspirations. since the last relationship i was in has ended, i realised that i have come to a point in my life where i am tired of getting myself hurt. yeah, when i was younger i could say, "oh this is part of the experience..this is life" i could say it because i knew no better. this time i knew better and still got myself hurt. i am beginning to get a better picture of the type of person i need to be with and it is becoming more and more impossible with each botched relationship. i know i want someone who adores me...i have never been adored. i want someone cares enough about what is going on in my life that he asks me. i want someone who dances. i want someone who is brave. i want someone who knows himself. i want someone who wants to and can take care of a family. i want someone who is honest. i want someone who is grounded and can balance me. i want someone who believes and trusts in God and His guidance. i want someone with a sense of humor. i want someone who wants to live a life of service to others. i want someone who is optimistic about life. i want someone who has experienced trials in his life so he doesn't take for granted what he has...that life has not made a victim of him. i want someone is able to be spontaneous and is also able to plan. i want a man.

hollywood video

i just spent an hour at the video store trying to find the "perfect" movies....i think i settled

Hanging With the Bros

My mom, Vahid and I went to visit Ruhi this weekend. It was the first time the twins and I had been together in at least 5 years. We went down to Savannah and walked on the river. That city reminds me alot of Charleston and I love the architecture...Spanish moss is hanging from trees everywhere giving the streets a romantic/mystical look. Ruhi pointed out the park where we watched a feather fall and "Forrest Gump" sat as he held on to his box of chocolates. Later we watched "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith" in a theater that had poor sound...which is devestating for a movie like "Star Wars". I really didn't want to waste my money on another saga in the first trilogy but it was actually pretty good this time. Sunday we went to Hunting Island and man have I forgotten how beautiful that place is!!! I am planning to rent a cabin there for when I get back from Korea next summer. It will be the perfect place to adjust and get my mind together before I start school. We also visited friends that I have know all of my life and hopefully I will get down there again before I leave...we have made plans to go dancing.

Update More Often

Well, it seems that if I want people to read this thing I will have to update it at least once everyday. I just found out that one of my dearest friends in Korea will be leaving just days before I am scheduled to arrive. She had stopped reading my blog because I didn't update it very often. I guess I haev to make my boring life interesting^^

Getting Going...Again

i am going back to korea. july 19th is the arrival day. i have mixed feelings this time. i can't wait to get there to see my friends and start the things i wanted to do in the Baha'i community. i am also looking forward to coming back next year. starting grad school. officially having a place of my own. although travelling has been good i am finally getting to a point where i am ready to stay in one place. i don't know where that one place is though so i will be travelling soon after grad school. there is so much i want to do. i feel like this is going to be a power year for me. that may be i will finally be able to slay my personal demons, get some things in my life more stablized, and be at peace. 30 has been a wonderful age. i feel a freedom of just being who i am that i have never felt before. i can see things coming together.

Limbo

can i just say that these past few months, for those who know me, have been crazy. i hated leaving korea early. i feel like i was thrown into limbo. got a call from emerson the other day. he called to thank me for the 4 and a half years that i worked with the workshop. he said to me that he did it not so much for himself as for Baha'u'llah. it was funny receiving this phone call. that has been one of the aspects of being back that got to me. that despite all of my best efforts, many of the young people i worked with are making choices that hurt themselves and others. after talking with emerson i realized that it has nothing to do with me. that, while i am learning, i have to understand others are learning too. hummm, yeah...life gets more complicated.

In the weeks that have passed I have seen two people marry. One I don't know well and another who is like a sister to me. I travelled to Boston where I stayed with friends of mine who are married and now expecting an addition to their young family..."we are awaiting your arrival Button".
I have learned that I have developed a negative view of the world and myself in it. I have come to mistake cynicism for being "real". This has played a big part in my relationships with men..how I give power over to them to judge my worth or whether I deserve to be loved or not. This is what happens in my mind without me realizing it. I am hoping that as I learn to pray and ask for guidance I will be able to perceive how to overcome this. I want to change. I want to be at peace. I want to understand. I want to love.

Power Year

I am going to KOREA!!! I am soooo happy that I can hardly stand myself. I know that I haven't really written for awhile but so much has been going on in my heart and mind. Since my "Crossroads" entry I have been travelling a new path inside. Things are really moving now and I feel like I am being overwhelmed with "understanding" which is what I prayed for over the weekend.

I have been feeling such a strong impulse to pray...to commune with God. I feel it all the time now and now it is a matter of getting into the habit. This time has been about learning to submit to the Higher
Power...to trust Him and myself. I feel like this is going to be a powerful year. Me finally getting to a place of peace inside of myself...a place where I can see God in everything and maybe not take the hardships in my life so personally. I am ready.