Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Shadow

For years I woke up with it. A dark forboding cloud over my mind. I always thought that it was because I was in debt and not paying my bills...you know that feeling of guilt for not taking care of a responsibility. I thought it was because I wasn't spiritually disciplined. I thought it was ghosts from my past. I am not so sure about these reasons anymore. I am actively trying to correct my debt situation. I am on a "Developing Spiritual Discipline" program, my own words, and have been pretty successful so far...it is becoming a habit. I have pretty much scared off all of my ghosts with the help of numerous therapists and a dogged desire to be done with the past.

So I don't understand this Shadow. What is it that I am worried about that I don't know that I am worried about? Is it Seung-woo? Is it my intuition telling me that he isn't the "one" and we shouldn't be dating? Is it that I "know" that something is going to happen? Is it that a huge test is on the horizon? Is it "that time of the month?"

The Shadow started out faintly. I could sense it weeks ago. I has become stronger and much more obvious now. I don't know what it is and that concerns me.

Monday, January 30, 2006

When Everything Happens As You Imagined

...it is a little eerie.

I guess I failed to say that Seung-woo is the wonderful man I referred to in an earlier post.

Just to quickly recap.

We met in toastmasters. I gave a speech on the Baha'i Faith. He approached me afterwards to say he was interested in the Faith. We met for dinner. I told him a little. Invited him to join a study circle and to attend devotional gatherings..both of which he wholeheartedly particpated in. He became a Baha'i. Somewhere between dinner and him becoming a Baha'i, we realised we were interested in eachother. So now, we have been "getting to know eachother", "seeing eachother", "dating", "becoming aquainted with eachother's character" for about 5~7 months.

Now things were eerie from the beginning. He is completely different from any Korean man or American man for that matter, that I have ever been involved with. He is very intuitive, does things with the deepest sincerity, talks about issues easily making it easier to resolve conflicts (and we've had them), is very honest, is very truly spiritual (meaning he is able to acknowledge his humaness also), is productive, loves to serve, isn't judgemental, very humble, is supportive, wants to learn to dance, and has a good relationship with is mother in particular. The big downside is that he has "blossomed" fully yet...as he says it. He hasn't gotten to that point where he is truly comfortable within his own skin and is able to embrace himself as a man with all of the implications if we decide to get married. He is so proactive though. Even in thr short time that I have known him, as he has become more in tuned with the Faith, he is changing in a very positive way. He is "blossoming" here. We both know though that he needs to leave Korea to really be able to fully complete the process. So he is planning to serve in India for six months after which he plans to come to the States to study. I have been constantly surprised by his ability to see himself and be honest about where he is. To tell you the truth, he is very much like me in this way. Always looking for opportunities to better himself as a spiritual being. The fact that he has all of the qualities I wanted and then some, is eerie.

Another eerie point happened today and it was mostly a realisation I had on my way home after spending the day with his mom and sister. It was the fact that I was getting to know his family as I have always envisioned I would come to know the family of someone I might marry. (Yes, we have talked extensively about marriage.) His mother and sister are unlike any Korean women I have met. Just the fact that they are cool with me dating Seung-woo is a very big deal in Korea. His mother showered me with unexpected gifts and kindness. His sister and I connected almost immediately. I was so comfortable in their house today that I actually fell asleep!!!

When people asked me if I would date or marry a Korean man I always answered that he would have to been REALLY different. I never thought that the family should be different too. And this happens just when I am wondering if I should stay involved with Seung-woo...all we have is time so at this point as long as we are serving together and continue to support one another spiritually..everything will be made known in time.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Yeah for Video Stores

I got to the video store last night...got "Willow" and "Love Actually" and a really good Korean movie called "Welcome to Dongmakyo"...a beautiful movie full of symbolism and imagery.

Heading out to meet my friend Seung-woo. We are going to Anyang to have lunch with his mother and sister...actually I went to the jimchil bang yesterday with his sister.

I had some interesting dreams last night and I remember most of the last one I had. I should be home tonight at a decent time so I can write more.

Gotta get out the door now!

Saturday, January 28, 2006

RELAXING is a MUST

I am realizing now that because I am in a different time zone, my posts aren't appearing right away. I was a little worried when I wrote yesterday and they weren't posting...now I see them.

I am at the jinchil bang now. Yes, crazy relaxing!!! We are trying to find movies to watch but all of the theaters are showing the same ones and we aren't interested in any of them. So I think we may watch sonething here in the movie room.

Writing much more will be difficult as I left my glasses in my bag in the locker room. No witty or interesting tidbits today...I am writing through fuzz!!

Kinda Watching "Hitch" aGAIN

I am antsy at the moment. I have no idea what I want to do with my time. I am tired so maybe I will go to bed and be able to write in the morning. I wish now that I had gone to the video store and chosen some movies. *^^*

4 days of PEACE

Yeah, on vacation at the moment. I have all these plans for what I want to do with this time but I don't seem to have the time to write like I want. I will have to make time tomorrow morning. I am meeting my friend Hyun-ju tomorrow at a jimchil bong near Seoul Station. I am looking forward to a very relaxing recuperating time.

As of now Tuesday is the only day I don't have anything planned on. I do have time in the mornings and maybe in the evening on Monday. We'll see.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Keepin' things on the DL

Yeah I got great news but I think I will wait a couple of weeks to share it. It involves one of my brothers but he has some psycho b***ch getting information off the internet and making his life hell. Granted he did some stupid stuff and I hope he has learned his lesson...yet this woman interfered with LIFE changing possibilities for him and for this I am bitter and being careful about what I write...especially his name...she could find him REALLY easy... sooooo I will have to keep things quiet until everything is finalized. I will say I am very happy for him though!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

In Six Months...

1. I met a wonderful man who continues to surprise, impress, and endear himself to me.
2. I am IN LOVE with my kindergarten students. Their smiles in the morning are a perfect start to my day.
3. I travelled to Shanghai in December to see my sister Sopia.
4. The wonderful man I met became a Baha'i about a month and a half ago.
5. There was CRAZY drama in Toastmasters in October or November. Everything is chill now.
6. My best friend Ody, who is probably angry at me for my lack of communication, had her third child Omari.
7. I have had 3 very nice and warm dinners at my house.
8. The wonderful man in my life and I are planning to do a discussion group as a service project.
9. One of my newest close friends, Sarah, got engaged on Christmas day to her wonderful man, Paul.
10. I am finally getting my spiritual and financial together and being more disciplined...I feel much more centered.
11. I will be in Korea until February 2007.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Gettin' My Fangers Ready!

I finally bought a computer and have internet!! I am sooooo excited. Hopefully I can make up for lost time. I am too tired to write much now because I have been responding to emails most of the evening. I have time. I got a computer!!! I got internet!!! (yes, it is the small things)