Intuition..Listen

What to do? What to do? He keeps exceeding my expectations. He keeps changing into more than he was. Yet, there is a question of consistency, authenticity, and maturity. I feel like I can't be with him as he is now...as more than friends. There has been a gnawing, a biting at my intuition that tells me to be careful. This is not going to be pretty...changing the nature of our relationship but it must be done. I can't ignore my intuition.

Me and Sistah Friend on Friends

MAN!!! Me and Ody talked for almost 3 hours last night!!! YEah, these long stretches between phone conversations will do that. Of course, she had me dying telling me her children stories...(Ody, seriously, you should start writing that stuff down)...

An interesting topic we conversed on was the change in the nature of friendships as we have gotten older. It seems that as time has passed and life has become more complex, the people who may have meant something special in our lives at one point, have changed and moved on...despite our best efforts to remain in touch. It becomes more and more difficult to maintain friendships because many of us now find our attention and energy so divided. Yet, maybe it is because I am still single, I still feel that if you have connected with someone on a deep level, authenticly, then it stays consistent regardless of life and the changes it may bring. Basically, it is when the character or the professed goals of a person changes that friendships change. Does this mean that some folks are more authentic than others? Maybe but I venture to guess that it takes some of us longer than others to reach that "real me" place. Until one gets there it is guaranteed that connections with people will change. And you know what, der ain't nutting wrong wid dat!!!

Finding Words

there is nothing quite like a life lived with questions. discovering answers when eyes are finally opened. some questions ,birthed through hurts that go deep, cannot be answered by any voice other than God's. it is the whisper in a heart sore from searching. it is the sudden and swift changes in a life longing for peace. some hurts are soul hurts that no doctor can reach. some healing is soul healing. "The healer of all thine ills is remembrance of Me," says the Glory of God with firm guidance...so remember.

I am a Living Martyr

I just read the following link: http://www.bahai.org/iranthreat/newsrelease

It has inspired me to exert my best efforts to do whatever it is I have to do to get right...to teach the Faith, rely more on God, and be actively invloved in reaching the goals of the 5 year plan.Once you read the articles you will understand.

Words Lodged in My Heart

"Hast Thou decreed for me, O my God, any joy after this tribulation, or any relief to succeed this affliction, or any ease to follow this trouble?"
-Baha'u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf

Update 1

Gotta get to bed but I want to do my daily update. I did say the Obligatory prayer today and I did read more of Epistle to the Son of the Wolf (Baha'u'llah). I will read more before I go to sleep and do the Greatest Name.

Yeah, I am 31 and don't have this down...as long as I am livin', I am learnin' and there is no magical age when that stops...unless one wants to be eaten alive by ego.

Making Moves!!!

I just did a monumental thing! I talked to my supervisor about teaching English privately and she was cool with me doing it on the weekend. Now this may not seem like a big deal but it is illegal to teach privates here. You have to have the written permission of your hakwon to teach English part time. Yeah, I took a big chance doing this and was surprised by the response. I figured it would be a flat NO and then some extra hours added to my schedule just to keep me busy....

Another student contribution: My student Cavin said, "You look Utiful, Ms. Adalia."

Thanks Max..Good Going Jim

Can I just say that although the "hakwon" system here could use an major overhaul, the children are AWESOME!!!

Yeah, my classes are getting so much better. My new kindergarten students were allowed to just play around with their previous teacher and now they have this teacher, me, who expects them to pay attention..and not after calling their names 10 times either. They seem to really be settling in well and are getting used to the routine. I am beginning to see that children really do prefer to have some idea of what is expected of them and like to have reachable expectations. They are playing together better. Using more English in class. Are listening better. Are alot more considerate and polite.

One student, Max, said to me, while he was changing into his slippers,
"Hair very pretty."
"Did you say my hair is pretty?"
"No, not your hair is pretty, everything is very pretty."
"Oh, so you mean all of me?"
"Yes, Ms. Adalia."
"Thank you very much Max. That was a kind thing to say. Now, make sure to hang up your coat."

Then another student, Jim, during a Manners and Ettiquette lesson where there is a picture showing a boy stealing something, says, "He is not being peaceful." I am using virtues with my classroom ground rules and "Peacefulness" is one of the virtues...WOW!!! He understood and then made the connection. I was so proud of him...I am beginning to realise, really, that children do pay attention to everything and learn from what they see and experience.

...just learnin' and grownin'...as my friend Janet has so nicely put it. Just trying to get over this last hurdle is all. I will start getting myself on a schedule so that I start actively doing those things that will help me...such as: reading the Writings and saying the Obligatory prayer everyday, eating breakfast, exercising...eating period...and getting enough sleep. (that ain't gonna happen tonight..YAWN!!!) I'm good...just ranting.

Breaking Up with Me

i am feeling small again. that feeling like i am not a good person. i am the most judgemental person about myself.

i got nothing going on here. i am worker bee in the english industry. i am beginning to feel so ready to leave. there is no Naw-Ruz celebration because no one in this friggin' country can get off of work and out of school. i am on lock down at my hakwon...where even if you have a cut requiring stitches they want you in class teaching right after you leave the doctor's office...so no off work for Naw-Ruz!

i am tired now of having nothing to do but myself. go where i want to go. do what i want to do...and work in a job that cares as little for me as a person as the language i am teaching. i sucked at Fasting this year...really SUCKED!! my ex-boyfriend was drawing his own conclusions about my spiritual state in his own mind...it could be residual fear from the past ex who made it known what he thought of me...now i think i am a mind reader..." i will not be made to feel like shit again because some man who thinks he has the corner on living a spiritual life can judge me," says the mind reader...based on no fact of course.

i am starting to feel like shit though not because of anything he has said or done but because i can see myself...i see my weaknesses and my ugliness....and am sad about not living up to my own potential and sense of integrity...i am breaking up with me.

I Ain't No Soldier

Thr Fast ended up becoming difficult for me. Actually, the past couple of years it has been difficult. It isn't the not eating during the day that is difficult but the spiritual disciplin that is necessary to make it more than skipping lunch. To have reliance on God to the point that I know that He will help me to not be cranky if I just asked.

I have found I lack spiritual disciplin and therefore found Fasting difficult. There was also the fact that I am working more, I have more students and most of them were new. On the days that I Fasted successfully, including praying and such, I was so tired and just didn't have the energy to take in all of their needs plus plan well.

I guess this is just another failure to add to the growing list of failures.

My brother Faysal has been helping me by developing a program that helps me to be more aware of my finances and also we put something together for my spiritual life. I think it might be time to revisit that. I actually was doing well for about a month and a half. Anyone who knows me well knows that this has been a struggle for me for a long time.

So much of this has to do with the way I think about myself and also my relationship with God.

Free Writing

at night i cannot sleep for fears i do not know seem to follow me. maybe it is all the words that run in my mind. maybe i am lonely. i am a writer and i cannot find words and i am afraid to write words. my voice is so quiet replacing the once strong, loud voice of my youth. without hesitation. without thought. maybe it is knowing that i do not want to marry you. maybe it is truth that keeps me awake. maybe it is knowing that you are not the man. we lack an energy. a connection. you not yet a man. me not yet spiritually disciplined. something is not right. something is very wrong. i fear that i have led you on. i have been feeling this for some time. i have told you. i have not been untruthful. once again i was worried more about how you reacted than what was best for me. for you. maybe things will become clearer. maybe after some time apart i will be able to see more clearly. maybe i will be able to see that it is not you but me. maybe some fear i have that keeps me awake at night. some unknown fear not even connected to you.

Getting Perspective

Well, me and Seung-woo have decided to seperate for a couple of months. No drama or anything just things are getting really serious a little too fast. We both have some areas we need to grow in and I have been uncomfortable with making a definite commitment. We have been talking about marriage but something isn't settled inside. I need time to pray about it and really think whether this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is a really good man, with wonderful qualities but something is missing. My mom is coming in May and that is the time we will reconnect and consult with our parents. For the time being we are keeping all contact restricted to Baha'i events or service.

The crazy thing is that there was no drama. No hurt feelings. Nobody crying. We both just knew that we had to take some steps back and figure some things out on our own.

Gettin' Readers...Should I Apologize?

I don't know how to attract people to my blog. I feel like I am writing to myself but the whole point of writing is to be read by others. I guess I just haven't put enough time and energy into it.

I have been trying to decide if I should write to an old flame and apologize for the way I treated him. I don't want to get back together or anything but it's been on my mind so much lately.

....BLAH!!

I don't know why I was in such a funk last night. Just funky.

Friends..Ummmm, NO

Every once in awhile I peruse the internet looking back at my life before Korea by "looking" into the world of the people that I thought were my friends. It is interesting because in hindsight I am seeing that many people were only around for that period of time and were not meant to be lifelong friends. I just looked at the archives of one of my friends who has a blog and not once was my name mentioned...even while I was around. I find that interesting. I guess people "watched" the drama of my life and listened when I needed to talk but I was never considered a person worth mentioning in the mundane events of their day. I also look back on that time and I see that there was the Baha'i "elite"...a group of people who were best of friends as a result of their position in the Baha'i National Center or who they knew. A pretentious group of people with understandings of what was appropriate behavior and who should be around them. I realise now that maybe people were my "friends" out of pity...yeah, this probably sounds very harsh but I remember that when I got here the first year, I wrote to these people regularly and they never initiated any emails to me. I even called a few people.

I hate everything about my time in Chicago now. So much of it seems like a waste of time when I look at it. Other than the lessons I learned from my overwhelming tests there, I have taken nothing with me. Even my working situation wasn't that great. I loved some parts of it but I was subordinate to a person who was in the "elite" group, who was verbally abusive, and in all honesty, behaved like a jealous person because I didn't care about the "elite" group and communicated with members of the National Assembly easily.

It is interesting to look back and review my life. I am seeing where I included people in my life and maybe I was using them to have someone to talk to. I don't know, but in my mind they were lifelong friends. Once again I assumed wrong.

Don't Be A Hatah!!!

I am hanging out at a jim-jil bong with the guy that I am getting to know, Seung-woo. I hate using the word "boyfriend" because it sounds too high school for 31 year old woman. I guess a better word could be that we are "courting"...anyway, we are chillin' at this place in Seoul. They are everywhere.

This jim-jil bong...meaning "hot room" is especially nice because it is 6 floors. The bottom floor being the public bath...one for men and one for women. There suanas, hot tubs, cold tubs, massage tubs, showers, ladies who do facials, nails, hair, massages, exfoliation...the perfect place to relax and get rid of all those impurities.

Then on the very top floor is a sleeping room for men and one for women, complete with bunk beds, Korean style pillows, and huge towel like blankets. The floors in between have restaurants, convience stores, juice bars, PC room, movie room...where I am meeting Seung-woo in a moment, Jade hot room, Charcoal cold room, Oxygen room, Evian hot room, Cave room...massage chairs, huge flat screen t.v.s, workout room, and tons of floor space for people just to lay around.

Guess how much it costs to use these facilities?...10 USD!!! No joke. The facials and massages are extra of course but the rest is included in the $10. This is the perfect place to spend time with someone you are getting to know.We slept here overnight but not together which makes being chaste must easier.

Then Seung-woo is really cool in that we give each other enough space to do what we want. Like I have been doing alot of writing and he has been studying and that is cool.This is what I needed so badly. Just a chance to relax and get myself more comfortable physically. Yeah, gotta go meet Seung-woo now!!!

Kids Need Second Glances

Yesterday, I walked into class after leaving for a moment during playtime. When I returned Julie had tears in her eyes and Erin, the gentlest, most nurturing child in class, says that Ben hit her.

There was Ben, standing on the mat looking guilty but would not budge when I called him over to talk with him. This was the second day in a row that a student complained about Ben hitting them. I noticed it was girls that he
was being violent with most often. Now, Ben is a very bright, helpful, attentive, usually obedient student so I was a bit shocked by his behaviour. I knew it was contrary to his character for him to be behaving this way.

Yet, the fact that he refused to come over so I could talk to him, that two girls were upset and this was the second day in a row he had hurt someone, I was not willing to let it go. I asked my Korean counterpart, Sabine, to come and talk with him. She told me that she had talked to his mom. Apparently, Ben made "gifts" for everyone, which were balled up pieces of paper..looked alot like trash..I think everyone thought they were trash because they threw the paper away...ahhh, the innocence and sensitivity of children. Well this hurt his feelings, this is the story his mother told Sabine.

When we got to class, Lisa Kim, another Korean teacher, was talking to Ben and Julie. Sabine took Ben into an empty room to talk to him. At first he refused to go with her but with some coaxing, he went.

Of course, Erin was very concerned if Ben was okay and she kept asking, "Is Ben okay?", "Ben is sad." Luckily, the business with Ben wasn't disruptive enough that the rest of the kids were distracted from playing.

While Sabine talked to Ben, I told the rest of the class that Ben was sad and that he was making a gift to give everyone and that they should recieve it kindly and say, "Thank you." They all nodded in understanding.

Right as I was telling the class it was time to clean up, Sabine returned with Ben and she pulled me aside and told me the history..there always is one...I have to remember this.

He is beginning to really like girls. He especially likes Julie...but Julie doesn't like him. When he gave everyone the balled up paper and Julie threw hers away he was really hurt. Sabine said that when she first started talking to him he wouldn't respond. Then she said, "You made paper balls and everyone threw them away?"...his face started to get red..."And Julie threw hers away too?"...and he started crying. Poor thing. It seems that the only way he knew to deal with being hurt was to become physical.

This was yesterday....

Today he brought these really nice paper folded boxes in different colors to give to everyone. His classmates made good on their promise to be kind. They were excited and crowded around him and were smiling and happy. More than I coud have ever dreamt of. And the look on Ben's face, pure happiness.

With a class full of students that I am trying to get to know, both as learners and personality types, this week has been difficult. This was the first full week of classes and the first weeks are the most critical to the success of the year. I am learning so many lessons. I must say that I am a bit stressed. My back and shoulders hurt alot. They are all good kids. I just have to make sure to not jump to conclusions but take second glances.

Rambling

I am really tired but I can't sleep. I am Fasting now which has been good so far. I hope I am able to stick with it. I need to get something right spiritually so that I can feel at peace.

The movie "Enough" is on. I am watching it again after a very long time. The last time I saw it was almost 5 years ago. Seeing it again makes me see how 'Hollywood' it is. I mean, it is probably every battered woman's fantasy to beat the shit out of her abuser and to outsmart him with strategically placed cars and money and houses. I had to change the channel.

I am rambling now. No one reads this anyway so I am actually just talking to myself. I think it is time that I get quiet.

Keeping Connected

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to get email updates sent to my friends when I post a new blog. There are so many people that I want to stay in touch with. I hope that I can figure this out.

Throwing Out the Old

My lack of patience and propondency to become easily annoyed has become even more apparent to me lately. I think I really do have a superiority complex. Like, " I know this, why don't you? Why can't you figure it out on your own?" I hate repeating myself. I hate explaining things that I think the other person should just understand. I can say some very mean things. You know, for years I was able to "hide" this. The only people who saw it was my family but now, I am more open. I am less guarded than I used to be and as a result, people see everything rather than only what I would allow. This is both good and bad. I feel more authentic and genuine but I am definitly going to have to work hard at getting rid of my superior attitude.

Learning to Be Patient

I did get that journal the next day. I have been writing in a different way this time. Usually I tried to keep myself locked into a very lineal way of writing. Now I am just writing what I want as it comes to my head. It is proving itself to be useful and fun.

My kindergarten children all graduated last weekend. I didn't realise how much I would miss them until I walked into my new classroom and was confronted by my new students. I was so out of it that first day. I felt like I was under water all day. My friend Sara left the day before, three other teachers left and three more came, one of which is my brother.

That has been interesting, having my brother here. I have found that I am very impatient and easily annoyed. He has tons of questions and in my mind I wam thinking, "Just learn things as they come." He wants to be prepared but I know no amount of telling him what to expect would prepare him and it didn't. He got a horendous class. Well, actually three boys in particular are very hard to control, one is on medication that makes him zone out, and if they aren't controlled the whole class goes wild. My brother was told by me and others to be firm, to be consistent, to not let them see that he is nervous...well he did none of this and the kids smelled the fear on him right away. He became very angry, although he wouldn't admit it, and I told him that once he does get angry, the kids know they got him. Basically when someone becomes frustrated and angry they loose the ability to remain calm, rational, and be able to be consistent. I guess because I have been doing this for a long time I am not sensitive to the feelings of others who have never done it before. My brother doesn't seem to allow himself to recognize that he isn't going to be a good teacher right away. He has only been in a classroom for two days with some wild children that he doesn't know how to control. Not surprising seeing as it has only been two days. He is so focused on himself and his ego. He keeps comparing himself to other teachers who have been teaching much longer and he has no idea what is happening in other teachers' classrooms. I keep telling him that the staff knows that it is his first time. He was hired based on his potential not his current ability. If they wanted a well seasoned teacher, he wouldn't have been hired. He is already saying that he doesn't know how he is going to make it through the year...I am disappointed with his defeatest attitude. I thought he would see this as a challenge that he could overcome head on and remain positive. Once again, it has only been two days so I will try to be more patient.