Getting Through

Man! Things really have changed since my last post. I am working through my thought patterns and emotions with a little more control. I realized that I was experiencing loss. That a lot of where the emotions were coming from was not the past but the situation in the present. I had thought that things were a certain way with a guy and in all honesty I think they really are but he has somethings he needs to work through too. Still what he needs to work through leaves me unsure. I created a future scenario in my head and became very attached to it. That has been one of my problems for years. The thing is that I have no idea, really, if that scenario will play out with him or not. Time is my friend in this situation and I am even having to change my thinking about that. I have felt so impatient for so long and time was my enemy. Now I have to embrace it for the wisdom it may bring and clarity. The big thing he needs is time. I keep having dreams about it and I know it intuitively.

As for me this is an exciting time because I have the opportunity to really resolve some things internally. I get to finally give attention to real healing and start not being afraid to live fully in the present.

Making Changes

my time in atlanta was cathartic and theraputic. i needed it. i needed to dance just for me. i needed to be with a soul friend to discuss the latest trials of my soul's journey. i am so hard on myself that i think it is probably abusive. the way i think and how i beat myself up. i say things to myself that no one has ever said to me.

i hit a big high in atlanta. for three days in the evening i would have a two hour session with anana. reconnecting with my body through movement. the only thing holding me back is that i was staying in my head. my body could do the movements but my mind would not let me. this is something that i will be working on.

i went out dancing two of the nights i was there and had an amazing time. the music was great. the people and the atmosphere was great. the dancing was awesome. it was really good for me.

i got to spend some time consulting with my friend Asali about my current struggle. actually it has been the struggle of my life but it has recently manifested itself in a very real way. i realized that i what i know is pain. in relationships that is what i know. that is what i am familiar with. my conditined conciousness is drawn to dead end relationships that will only bring pain. they are dead end but i let myself become emotionally attached and i am the one who is hurt. i need to change the way i think. i will be actively doing this with therapy. i know i can't do it alone. the issue is much too deep and i am having trouble seeing an end.

last night i talked at length with my friend Sarah who gave me some gems and things to take into therapy. using a book that she studided for her psychology masters, "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, just from our conversation she was able to pin point 10 cognitive distortions that i have:

1) All or Nothing thinking
2) Over generalization- view a nagative experience as a neverending pattern of defeat
3) Mental filter- Dwell on the negative and ignore the positive
4) Discounting positive- insist positive qualities don't count
5) Jumping to conclusions-
a. mind reading
b. fortune telling (predict bad outcomes)
6) Magnification or Minimization
7) Emotional reasoning- reason from how i feel
8) "Should" statements- criticize with shoulds or shouldn'ts (must, ought, have to are similar
9) Labeling- Identify myself with shortcomings
10) Personalization and blame- blame myself for something that i am not entirely responsible for OR blame others and overlook my role

all of these applied to me with varying degrees of intensity. being able to identify what i am dealing with gives me a great start. at the moment i am not feeling to well internally but i know that it will pass. i gave myself a pretty good beating yesterday.

A God Moment

I drove to Ocean Blvd and 48th Ave North and parked in a public access area. I sat there for a minute trying to calm the tears that had been rolling down my face for nearly an hour. My heart and my soul feeling sick and my head was swimming. The conversation with my sister helped somewhat but still I found myself ill at ease. I listened to the waves crash onto the shore and I knew I needed to go and be near the ocean's vastness.

I walked the sandy path between dunes covered in Cat's Tails and onto the beach. I felt my insides begin to stretch out, unrolling from the tight ball of anxiety.

I walked, trying to find a spot that would suit me for sitting and watching the waves. The sun was setting. A beautiful pinkish orange glow. Colors danced on the water's surface. I was surrounded by beauty but all I could say to God was, " I am not connected. I feel disconnected. I am scared and I don't know what to do. How do I reconnect? How?" I sat with my head down not looking at the beauty around me and tears started to fall again.

I recited quietly one of the most powerful prayers in the Baha'i Writings, the Tablet of Ahmad. My heart so perturbed needed some soothing. When I was finished I began to say the prayer for the Remover of Difficulties. As I was sitting on the sand, praying with my head down I could sense a vehicle approaching. It drove past me then came back. I kept praying. It drove around me and began a slow creep when I finally looked up. It was a beach patrol officer. I was surprised. Maybe there was a time to leave the beach that I wasn't aware of.

"Are you okay?" he asks and of course I say, "Yes" with tears in my eyes. "Well when I see a woman alone on the beach with her head down and the sun is setting I know something is wrong." He asks me two more times, "Are you sure you will be alright?" and I said yes again. He began to drive off then stopped the truck asking,"Does it have something to do with a boyfriend?" I had to smile. "Yes, you could say that." He gets out of the truck and says, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I looked out over the ocean for a moment before saying, "I met this amazing guy. But we are in two different places in life. The timing is off. We are friends but I made some poor choices. And I have this deep sense of integrity that gets thrown off when I make poor choices. I am worried that maybe the friendship will be messed up."

The beach patrol officer smiled, "I know what you are talking about. I think God wants you to learn something from this. You are human. You are searching for love. We are all searching for love in some way. We have relatives and family but we are all wanting that deeper companionship and love."

I needed to hear that. Something plain. Something simple. Something not judgmental or condescending. I needed to hear what he said.

"Did you go to Coastal like maybe 10 or 11 years ago? Are you part of the Baha'i Church?" he asked and at that moment I recognized him. This was a man that I had met my senior year in college. We had had great conversations. "I am Greg Urbine" and when he said his name, I knew that this particular encounter was not by accident. "Yes, I recognize you. My name is Adalia"

"I still have the book you gave me about the Baha'i Faith. I did actually read it," he said as I listened in amazement.

We talked for a few more moments before he had to leave to take care of a call. As he got back into his truck he wished me the best and drove off. I sat there in stunned silence and watched his headlights as they moved further down the beach. By now the sun was almost completely set and the sky was turning into darkness. In that moment I decided to let the chips fall as they may. The knot of anxiety and saddness began to loosen. I was reminded of my humanness and the universality of the search for love. I was reminded that the "How" to reconnect was simply to be a Baha'i. To live a Baha'i life was the answer. I began to cry this time because I know a God moment when I get one.

Getting on the Good Foot!

i should be finishing up the last of my errands before going to Florence to be with my brother and sister. i am packed and ready to go to Atlanta tomorrow morning. i have been back in South Carolina since March(08). i am amazed by how easy the transition has been. the hardest part was not having a space of my own and underplanning financially. it was a major wake up call for me. i want to change everything about how i do things after i graduate from grad school in August next year. yes, i am also in graduate school and quite happy. i am going to Atlanta to train with an amazing woman named Anana. she is a salsa dancer also and we are very similar in our approach to dance. i am sooooo excited!!!

i recently met an incredible man. we have talked but have decided to be friends. we both have a lot on our plates and we'll just see where things will take us. we are very involved in similar pursuits so i feel like i will get to know him pretty well. in the process of communicating with him and really looking at myself i realized that i got too emotionally attached too soon. this has been the pattern with me. i think it is a type of sabatoge and i want to stop it. i will be going back into therapy to pull out this final piece that is connected to my childhood. i am certain there is much more for me to heal but i tell you i have done so much work on myself. i think if there is more for me to work out it will come as a result of being married and having to share my life with some one else.

i feel myself growing in leaps and bounds these days. i have had to change the way i think fundamentally to do well in my grad program. i am having to change the way i approach my heart and not be so reckless with it. i can feel that i am getting so much closer to God and maybe, just maybe bridging the gap that was created by me so long ago.