Making Kim-Chi Jeegah

ASSSSAHHH!! Arlene and I went to an Asian Market today so I could get some stuff to make Korean food. I am so excited to go home and cook!!!! Oh yeah, and get my morning routine scheduled!!! THEN, I almost forgot, we ate at a Cuban restaurant today that had the perfect space for a dance floor. I talked with the owner about teaching a salsa class...that would be SOOOOO cool!!!

Breaking Bad Habits

I am starting to feel sick. There is a pretty bad flu going around and I hope I don't have it. Lucky me, I work in a doctor's office so I got tested without needing an appointment...a long q-tip stuck up both of my nostrils.

I am really enjoying my job. As I have gotten more used to things I must say things are really awesome. I am connecting well with my co-workers and have gained a bit of respect amongst the folks here. You have to prove yourself in some situations and I think that work is one of those places.

...I am not SICK!! YEAH!!! but **** is VERY sick. He has the flu really bad. I think I over did it with the "let me take care of you" gene women seem to possess. The first day he was really sick I spoke to my mom about what he needed (my mom's a nurse) then I went to the store to buy a bunch of stuff. Although he appreciated it, it was too much...he said. I did the same thing last night...he called today to give me an update and talk...and told me that the Nyquil would have been enough...everything else was too much.

I think I have hit the "break the bad habits" stage. I have a bad habit of calling...taking the initiative too much. I have a bad habit of "mothering" people who are grown. I have a bad habit of investing too much in a romantic relationship too soon.

AHHH HAAAAA!!! I just figured something out. I think part of the reason I put so much energy into other people is because it diverts my attention from what I need to be doing for myself. If I were truly doing the things I needed to be doing right now, then things would be a bit more balanced and realistic. I am realising that this is so connected to me being more attentive and atuned to myself. To be able to be respectful of others boundaries I have be sure about my own and be fulfilling my own needs. This is all about boundaries and people get uncomfortable when boundaries are crossed.

Okay, cool! Adalia gets a growing moment. I have been thinking that I needed to get myself on a schedule and start doing somethings that I have got to do and have been putting off. Yep! this is it. I can 't wait to get home.

Somethings Off

I think that I am finally able to understand the nature of what it is that is bothering me so much. I have been silent about so much and in all honesty, I couldn't figure out what it was that was bothering me. I think I know now. Being here isn't just about living in another culture for two years but being in a completely different environment for most of my life. I got really angry today and it was really a build up of many different things. From the first day I was here I have had to hear people speak negatively about someone I cared about or talk about them in a way that would be hurtful to them. I have seen people not let others change. That somehow they are supposed to stay the same. I have watched people desiring to make changes in their life but receive little to know encouragement from their peers. There is also an undercurrent of passive aggressive behaviour and hidden meanings. I am not used to having to maneuver around in an atmosphere like this. My gut is all clinched up and I am uneasy. Something doesn't feel right.

Getting the Courage

Today is another beautiful day. The sun is out and radiating a warmth that I have been longing for. I woke up today not feeling nearly as sad and a bit determined. Now is the time. There is no better time than when I am not busy with the necessities of life and I have a supportive companion. I realised this morning that what attracted **** to me in the first place was spirituality and strength. That is what he saw four years ago when i met he and my sister for a brief lunch. That is what he remembered about me. That is why he still liked me all these years. Who else am I to be than the person I am?

I feel like I have been given another God moment to have the opportunity to feel free enough to truly explore what it means to lead a prayerful life...a spiritual life. I am not saying ignoring the practical and human....that has been my journey up to this point. I had to come to terms with my humaness to be able to truly live a life of spirit. To not be judgemental. To be sympathetic regarding the trials of others. To not take pride in what God has given me. To be patient with myself and a bit more merciful.

Yes, today is a beautiful day.

taking the steps

For some reason I am feeling really sad tonight. A friend once said that sometimes when she is really having a hard time she just lets herself cry. I think I am feeling the need for me to really take the next step in my spiritual life. I am afraid because I have been traveling this road of "independance" much of my life and to begin to allow myself to acknowledge that God takes care of things is so hard. I am also afraid that it may put distance between me and ****. But it is getting to the point that I need to to be at peace inside.

A Jumping Off Point

I have been having a bit of a struggle lately. Actually, it is the same struggle I have had for years but it seems that it has reached a point where I need to take the necessary steps. I talked with Louis and Corinne about it. I feel as if I am in limbo spiritually. I feel like I am at a jumping off point. For years I felt like I had it down. I was very involved in the Baha'i Community, had tons of Baha'i friends, and was always serving. I felt so centered. Then I was thrown off my center and although I have been able to rebuild in some areas, rebuilding spiritually has been tough. I realised in Korea that it was just me. Not that there was no Baha'i community, there was, but I had to feel it within myself. I have moved from youth to adult. I am at a new place spiritually. Now I am trying to understand where I am and how to move to the next stage.

I am home and I don't want to be involved in anything and I am also trying to maneuver myself through this new friendship/relationship...actually this has really forced me to start looking at myself. **** is not a Baha'i and it is not a necessity that he becomes a Baha'i. I have also learned that it doesn't matter to me if the guy is a Baha'i or not. For the first time I have met someone who, at the core of our friendship, there is mutual respect, similar values, and authenticity. I am realising as I write this that this has always been my struggle with men. When I was getting to know Baha'i guys, being a Baha'i wasn't an issue but being myself was. Now I am able to be myself but I am uncertain about how much of the Baha'i I bring into it. The truth is that the two are not seperate. They are one in the same with me. I cannot seperate the two. The struggle has always been, and I don't know where or how I learned this, if I am fully myself, Baha'i and all, with my insecurities and faults, that I will always be alone. So it has very little to do with **** and everything to do with me. I have come to really value him because he is the first guy I have ever gotten to know that has given me permission to be who I am, Baha'i and all...it is wierd that I use the word "permission" but it is the only word that comes to mind...I guess another word is that I feel "seen" by him...that he is a witness to who I am becoming and seems pretty cool with it. I just have to come to a place of peace within myself.

Salsa and Friends Rock!!

I was supposed to go down to Beaufort to be with my brother Ruhi. He is in the Marines. I was going to join him and his buddies for salsa dancing in Savannah. Well, that fell through. I realized that I couldn't get on base without insurance in my name and my brother was pretty much stuck on base all weekend...so I became very resourceful, I called my friends in Columbia South Carolina. I ended up staying with Corinne, a young woman I had known when she was a child but had not really gotten to know, and her salsa dancing roommate Kristen. It was PERFECT!!! My friend Louis met up with us earlier in the day and we had dinner together. Later we all went dancing, with the exception of Louis who had promised his wife that they would go together and she was out of town. Dancing was awesome!! I had some very good partners and it was nice to go with people this time. So now, when I go to Columbia not only do I have a place to stay but I have friends to be with. I am very happy about this!!!

I enjoy Long Walks-On a Highway

I had a pretty full weekend at the end of which was a nice evening spent with Mike. The past couple of days were unseasonably warm and sunny. Quite beautiful. I went over to his place in the afternoon. It was so beautiful out that we went outside to play. **** and his housemate Chris kicked a soccer ball around while I played on a tree swing. The beautiful warm day turned into a beautiful warm, clear night and we went for a walk. Of course he gave me a choice, a short one or a long one. We took the long one which meant a stretch along a highway. The conversation was so interesting that I really paid little attention to our surroundings...until this morning.

South Carolina is notorious for not being pedestrian friendly. At one point, before we got to the stretch of highway, we were approached by a woman driving very slowly. She wanted to know who owned the property because she and her husband has just "busted up" and she was looking for another place to live...this led into a conversation about divorce, pre-nups, marriage, children, work ethic, finances after she drove away...While we were talking with her a car started approaching from the opposite direction moving way above the speed limit and the driver didn't slow down at all as they passed us. Looks of shock all around, wishes of good luck, be safe, have a nice night and off she went. So, despite head lights set at high beam, speeding cars that didn't slow down, and an uneven roadside...it was a nice walk and talk.

I discovered that microwavable dinners are pretty yummy!!!

Okay, can I just say that **** ROCKS!!!??? Tonight we hung out here at my house. We wanted to go out and do something but both of us are broke. So we stayed at home and ended up having an incredible conversation. I cannot believe how easy it is to talk with him and we talked about some pretty heavy things tonight.

I did learn something very important though and it is that I have allowed myself to put more into this than he has. This is very important for me to realise because this has been my down fall in the past. Getting too attached and emotionally invested too soon. We have been getting to know each other less than a month and inside of me, I have put more into this than is safe or necessary at this stage. It's not that we don't like each other, we do, but I am continually impressed by his ability to keep things in perspective. Basically I figured out the nature of things by asking him if he would be upset if I started getting to know someone else and he said no. I would be bothered if the postions were reversed. That is how I figured it out that I have started to invest too much too soon.

I feel the need to re-evaluate what I want out of our friendship at this stage. This early investment of emotion is what I think has made somethings difficult for me...like freaking out when he doesn't call. We are in different places as far as how much we are expecting. This is a good thing for me to see not to mention, freeing. Now I feel like I can make myself slow down, stop trying to control everything, and just take care of myself as I am getting to know him.

I guess my greatest fear is that he will lose interest and move on. This has always been a fear of mine in most male/female romantic relationships and has kept me from truly being myself. In the end, the guy has alwayed moved on because the relationship became unhealthy. I am learning now how to not compromise myself...as I am, because of fear. A good lesson to learn. Thanks **** for being the catalyst for all this growth.

I bought the hat and wore it once...in this picture!! 

dancing and ****

I am going down to Beaufort to go salsa dancing with my brother and his buddies!! I am soooooo excited. It has been two months since I last danced. I mean REALLY danced! I started teaching **** how to salsa last week. We've had one lesson so far but I was impressed. He has good rhythm for a white boy...the surprised never cease. We are supposed to get together and do something tonight. I am not sure what he has in mind.

I BROKE MY FAVORITE GLASSES!!!! AHHHHHH!!!
For a glasses wearing person it is really hard to find that pair that works for you. I lost and broke so many pairs of glasses in Korea. But these, MAN, they were a find!!! They are the most expensive, stylish glasses I have ever bought! I have two more pairs but the prescriptions are not as good on them. Maybe I can go by one of the shops here and see if they can be repaired. I wanted to get new lenses any way but the frames are what broke. OOOOO, I hope they can be fixed!!!

The things I have learned:

1. Plan for the future financially.
2. I am too hard on myself.
3. I am too hard on others.
4. That I get really irrational when I am PMSing.
5. I fear losing anything that would affect my ability to dance.
6. Giving up control is my greatest test.
7. I love to eat.
8. People are at ease when they are around me.
9. I have grown up enough not to judge people.
10. My greatest struggle is paying attention to my spiritual well-being.
11. I have alot to learn about connecting to and taking care of myself physically.
12. Paying attention to the small things is what ultimately makes life run smoothly.
13. I love being with people.
14. I am comfortable with peaceful silence.
15. I do get "peopled out" and have to be alone during those times.
16. Not to give power to another person to judge my worth.
17. I am feeling at peace when my sense of integrity is intact.
18. I can be very forward.
19. I am honest.
20. To see the world with eyes of Love is beautiful.

So much of getting to know someone of the opposite sex is getting to know yourself. The way you may sabatoge things. The way you conduct yourself around them and in the process. The past couple of days I let myself get all worked up because I thought **** was distancing himself from me. I felt like I was calling too much...he wasn't calling me. We hadn't hung out for a few days, so I started thinking that he was avoiding me and wasn't interested. I was thinking, "Ah, it has happened again. He figured out that I wasn't what he imagined I would be. Or maybe I am just too much for him. See, if I am myself I will always be single. He didn't even have the balls to call and tell me. He has to give me the silent treatment."

Oh, I was stuck between, "He will call me if he wants me around" and "I will call and confront him." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...craziness. He ended up calling me and proving me wrong.

Culture Shock..delayed

Delayed culture shock...homesickness. This is why I have been feeling a little off lately. It finally hit me that that was what it was. It isn't something deep and psychological. I am out of my element in many ways. I am in a small town, 1 friend, i think differently, in my mom's house where I haven't been since I was 14, no car, no place to dance, no place to do open mics...I adjusted so fully in Korea that I think I have adopted some of its culture without realising it and I cannot pin point what it is. It feels good that I know what it is that is bothering me and that it is a natural part of moving from one place to another.

Full Circle

Things are coming full circle. A few years back I got thrown off course a little by getting involved with a man who hurt me so deeply it has taken years for me to get better. I met him at a conference that I was sent to in preparation for a Children and Youth Program Director position at the Louis Gregory Baha'i Institute in Hemingway South Carolina. I really wanted the position but he was having reservations about moving here. I ended up moving to be nearer to him and got to know him so well that I am incredibly relieved and happy that I didn't marry him.

Today I got a phone call from a friend telling me that the position is still not filled and they are looking for someone. Full circle.

The hesitation?..well, I would go into the position financially ill prepared. I have gone from job to job like this. I would not have the opportunity to connect some of my friends in Korea with the Baha'i activities going on there. In Korea I have the opportunity to get myself financially straight. I can pay off some big bills without going hungry and worrying if I will have somewhere to sleep. I will not need a car to get around nor a computer to do my job. If I were to stay here and start that position I would have to be helped to buy a car and get a place to live. I don't want that. I am done with letting people help me in this way.

The thing is, maybe I need to take the hard road. I could start the Masters program because the position fits perfectly into what I would be doing. I have no idea how much it would pay and even if I have the credentials for the position.

Something else to pray and think about.

Going Gray

I cannot go to sleep. I have been feeling like this the past few days. I am jumpy about something. Like I am missing something really important. Life is just chugging along here so I have no idea why I am feeling the way I am. I think it maybe that I am fighting habits. I am trying not to get too close to fast with the guy I am getting to know. I need to be doing my online EFL program. I need to be getting on the ball with the Insights conference. I need to get my taxes finished up. I am missing dancing. I have all this energy.

My sister and I saw "Million Dollar Baby" tonight. It was a beautiful and sad movie. I can see why Hiliary Swank and Morgan Freeman won Oscars for their roles. They were amazing. There is something in me that just realised that once a person has reached their potential, has fulfilled their purpose here than it is time to move on. I wonder how long I will be here. Some people are too powerful, too humble, too lovely to live here on earth. They go to heaven "early" and the rest of us get to remember them in beauty.

I have gray hairs. I saw one hair a few days ago. Today when I looked in the mirror in my car I saw three long, curly silver-gray hairs...just as I have always imagined. I just smiled.