6 Months of Parenthood and Other Musings

I am 6 months, 3 weeks into motherhood and although a lot has changed, a lot has also stayed the same. I am different in that I have to think of him first but who I am fundamentally has not changed. I love spending time with friends be they single, parents, divorced, I am an equal opportunity friend. I love that my husband and I never went into that, "We are married so we no longer interact with others easily and definitely not single people." I have run into couples in the past that only hang out with couples and Ryan and I were not accepted into their exclusive clique. Believe me it did not upset me but it did make me think, "Wow, we are in a couple and were rejected, how must single people feel around those people." No wonder when I was younger I thought that marriage was the end all because so many people around me behaved in such a way that it gave that impression. Now that we have a child in the mix I am happy that we have not changed our view that people of various social standing have a place in our family and our son's life.

That being said, we are very vigilant about who we trust with him and we read his cues. On most occasions he is happy to be held by other people but I have noticed that he is very clear when he doesn't want to be held by some people. We honor his feelings and will continue to. This is how children learn to trust themselves, their intuition and build self confidence. We reinforce his boundaries and he learns to listen to his inner voice.

Being a parent is not always easy. Like when he is really fussy because he is sleepy but he won't sleep. I want to pull my hair out. Or when I am crazy tired because he was moving around all night and he wakes up at 6:00am, determined to crawl right off the edge of our king bed. I wake up in alert mode and stay there most of the day. It is hard to put aside my plans sometimes. Just cooking becomes an ordeal at times because he wants to be held or played with or is tired but won't sleep. Days like this we end up eating out and it is getting expensive. Sometimes I have to let him cry in his Pack and Play so I can use the bathroom, make myself breakfast, wash bottles, make formula. I let him cry because I know he is safe and some things just can't be put off. Sometimes taking a shower feels like I have successfully brokered peace between warring nations.

The easy days are when I wake up with no agenda. Yes, I ALWAYS have something I can/need/want to do but for the sake of sanity I have to let it go.  Believe it or not, on days like this, he sleeps really easy and takes long naps. I end up getting things done anyway. It is also infinitely easier because I have a very involved spouse. The first thing he does when he gets home from work is change his clothes so he can play, hold, rock our son in comfort. He washes bottles. He cleans the humidifier. He washes clothes. He changes diapers. He does all of the things I do during the day and sometimes more. I even get a night out every week which does wonders for me. It is not that I am away from my son that I enjoy but that I get a break from being on alert for a couple of hours. It does the brain good to rest a little. Usually on these nights out I get baby withdrawal but I force myself to enjoy the moment and then I go home and snuggle and kiss him.

I made a conscious choice not to become involved in mother's groups. We have been creating a community of our own that seems to be fulfilling lots of the social needs of our family. Ryan still doesn't go out on his night out. He tells me, " I don't have friends. My only friend is you." yeah, I hope we get him some other friends soon...I have a hard time hanging with me all the time! :) But as a family, and me as a mother, are very pleased with our developing extended family. I prefer to get to know people and build community rather than walking into a group that has its own rules of interaction and expectations.

I still work from home and we have been blessed with two wonderful women who come and take care of my son while I am at home. It allows our son to stay in a familiar space and me to see how the care takers interact with him. They could not be more perfect. They play with him. Read to him. Go for walks with him. Things that I do which just reinforces so much for his growth. They are also different in their mannerisms which helps him to learn to interact with different people.

It was true what I was told years ago when I asked a dear uncle of mine how it is that his family was so happy and he said to me, "It is all about who you marry." I marrying the person I did and sticking to my 5 point list of things I could not live without, I got the 5 and so much more. This man and I have been through more in the first couple years of marriage than some may experience. We have weathered some tough situations, the delivery of our son being one them, and we have worked through them with grace. We share the same Faith and have fundamentally similar understandings of how our lives fit within the spiritual framework that the Baha'i Faith gives us. I am so very blessed to have married the person I did. I am happy God led me through the fire to the other side.