He's Just Not That Into Me

okay, why is it that i get told by one woman to read a book, and she did so numerously with emphasis, then i get to my sister's house and she not only tells me to read it, but owns it? I first heard the line, "He's Just Not That Into You", while watching an episode of 'Sex and the City' and I found it intriguing. Miranda was totally obessessing over a guy, wondering if he liked her or not, when Carrie's then boyfriend tells her off-handedly, "He's really not that into you." Now at first it sounded mean and unfeeling but then as the show goes on she realises the freedom this one line gave her. In her own world, loving the power she felt with new knowledge, she overhears some young ladies talking about a guy, pondering the same question. Miranda, thinking she would help them get through their 20's by arming them with her insight, politely interrupts and says to them, "He's just not that into you." and leaves with a very satisfied look on her face feeling that she had just helped some young ladies move on. Luckily for her she didn't see their shock or hear them call her a female dog because, let's face it, most women are content to keep chansing after and obessessing over guys who are just not interested.

Well, now I am reading the book and ladies it is great. Basically, most of the stuff in the book are things I sometimes know intutively but choose to ignore. Seeing my perceptions in print just serves to validate what I have known. I have always been interested in guys who just weren't that into me and maybe it is because i didn't think I deserved better. I am not sure why I did this but I damn well am not doing it anymore. I am going to finish the book and keep what I read in mind so that from the giddy-up I am not confused...if he says he will call and doesn't/i ain't calling...if he doesn't respond to an email/i ain't writing...if he says he was too busy i know it is bullshit and i ain't sticking around...if he ia too scared to approach me/i ain't helping him...yes, it is time for a change and sista's if you ain't on board you might want to think about it cuz while I have been waiting for 'Mr.BrokeFingers SorryExcuse Wuss' to give me the time of day 'Mr. Makethetime Reliable Authentic' just might have been passing me by.

Healing My Own Heart

i recently received an email from a friend/sister who came to a teary but life changing realization. after looking back on her life and the types of relationships she had been in, she began to see her own choices. she came to the realization that she had spent the better part of her life breaking her own heart. this line really stuck with me, "breaking my own heart". it resonated with my own unspoken realizations. once again the necessity to step from being the victim into my own power was made so plain. i know that as a child i experienced things that i had no choice in. i know that as i grew up i used what i knew to survive to maintain my own sense of being. i do not berate myself for the choices i made out of desperation or ignorance but now that i know, and i have grieved, it has been time to move on.

being home this time did this for me. i have spent the better part of 6 years healing my heart. trying to make better choices. learning from the past and learning not to live in it. i went to korea in a state of disconnect and i have come home to find myself reconnected...whole. i knew that this time at home was going to be pivotal in my moving into this next phase in my life and it truly has been. reconnecting with people i love. that i have a deep connection with has been the thing i needed to shake off everything. the entirety of the dust and soot i unearthed as i healed my heart. with every conversation, silent moment, smile, laugh, look, hug, demonstration of love i felt the shell i created begin to fall apart. the wall that once stood so tall is now rubble at my feet.

love. love is the power that brings us back to ourselves. love is what heals our broken hearts.