Changing Pains

You know, this moving from being a couple to being friends does not feel good. (chuckle....I have to laugh at myself.) It's not like it is supposed to feel good. What feels good about basically closing up a part of you that was once open? You don't call as often....not much at all. You don't make plans to hang out. You loose the companionship. You don't talk or share about things going on with you very often. It is interesting how quickly a person can get used to these things and how hard it is to not have it. In the past I would have just said, "Nah, we can't be friends. There has to be time and space." I think that is what naturally happens without having to verbalize it...the distancing and spacing. This is the part where most people either change their minds, disconnect totally, or become aquaintances. We'll see where it goes.

Learning to Trust

I had two interesting phone conversations this morning. The first being with Mike the other with my father. Both "spoke" to my continual process toward trusting myself.

I misunderstood the tone and meaning in Mike's voice...thinking that he was somehow upset with me. I called back and got his voice mail. I left a message to the effect that he shouldn't stop talking to me. Well, maybe 30 minutes later he called back putting me in my place. His mood had nothing to do with me and that I should know by now that he would talk with me if it had had anything to do with me. That I need to stop taking things so personally. He had other things on his mind, things that I couldn't help him with, that somethings he preferred handling on his own. And by the way, he was in the shower when I called.

Then I called my father back after our conversation last week. I learned something very interesting...some of it I already knew. He doesn't see that he as a parent had anything to do with how we were shaped as children. He said that sometimes things happen that you can't change and that you don't let them rule your life. He sees what happened in the past as just that, in the past, having no effect on the present. That the choices he made ended up effecting him but he doesn't see how those choices would effect any of us. Of course this is what I got out of it and this is in no way a verbatum account of our conversation. I am thinking now is the time to write a letter.

This whole trusting process is difficult but I think it is necessary so that I can be at peace with myself.

Growing Up/Growing Old-A Forward

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged usto get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look aroundwhen a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milk shake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we wouldleave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experiences with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon herfrom the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us.

She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."As we laughed she cleared her throat and began,

"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream.. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather or things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

Phone Calls to Forgiveness

There is something strange and mysterious about time. It has to be controlled by God. Every once and awhile we stumble into what is obviously a God-sent moment. Some would argue that every moment, every breath is a gift from God, and I would have to agree. Yet, there are those small miracles of time that stand out. I had one this morning. In a previous posting I wrote of needing to forgive my father. I have agonized over this for years. I have gone back and forth on how and what to do. I have been afraid and I have been too angry to address some things. Well, after a talk with Mike and some prayer I knew what I had to do and that was to talk. Just have simple phone calls off and on. Talk with my father like I talked with my mother. I started the first call. Wasn't able to talk much. Then we missed eachother's calls for a couple of days. This morning I caught him and after dispensing with the pleasantries my father is the one who open up the door to talking about the past. I couldn't believe some of the things I said but I had to. I took a breath and pulled up the courage and started talking. His phone ended up going dead but he was able to tell me before it did and to say we would talk later. It is amazing how something that was so big and obstrusive in my mind was started so simply. I am very happy and I thank God for this moment.

Well, after going back and forth on things, ***** and I are officially only friends. There are feelings that go deeper but at this point it is for the best to distance myself. He is in transition in many ways and needs to have space...not have to worry about keeping another person in mind. I know that I am very emotional and he is very practical...under the best of circumstances we balance each other out. In this situation I feel like I failed in some ways because I let myself feel more than I should have. I have never been able to remain distant from people or emotionally detached...especially if I feel a connection to them. I wish I could be more disconnected sometimes...then I wouldn't have to worry about getting hurt.

Forgiving and Loving

My next big hurdle...forgiving my father. **** and I have talked about this. He has been so supportive and understanding. It is actually because of him that I finally feel able to really talk to my father about the past. He strongly encouraged me to do so, saying that being able to forgive is to put the past behind you...not letting it affect your present...it is a sign of how much you love yourself...I think it is also a sign of how much love you can give others. I have known that I needed to forgive my father for some time but there was something missing..maybe it was the love of someone other than my immediate family...maybe it was knowing that someone wasn't afraid of me or my past pains...**** has become such a God-send for me. He is quickly becoming a close friend and confidant. There is an energy that I cannot explain nor have I felt with someone of the opposite sex. It is not sexual. It is not obessessive nor possessive. There is a freedom and a connection. An attraction that is complete...spiritual, physical, mental, emotional...a balance. I was told by a clarvoyent woman once that I would someday meet two men who would help me to learn to trust men again. **** is definitly one of them. I do not know if he is the first or the second but I know he is one of them.

Health Care...Stay Sick

The numbers of people who come to my place of employment, who need health care...people in lots of pain...people addicted to narcotic medications...people calling in tears...people who have no other choice...have no money, pulling what they can out of their pockets to have a doctor see them for 15 minutes before having to rush on to the next sick person...maybe more sick than you...maybe less sick...but no one knows...everyone gets 15 minutes...the boss man saying, "We need more bodies in here. More people to make more money."...he's not here when a mother and sick child have to wait an hour and a half to be seen..."I thought I had an appointment. Does an appointment not mean anything?"..."get 'em in get 'em out"...a factory of sickness....money flowing because of sickness...he drives a Mercedes...flies on airplanes...slicked back hair and a physique only allowed for those who have the money and the time...all paid for by people spending their last buck to get well only to have to come back and start all over...get their prescription...go to the pharmacy..."We don't carry this"..."That needs pre-authorization"..."We don't carry the generic brand"...call back/come back...needing meds...oh, but you had 15 minutes...make another appointment...wait another day..."bring your insurance card in...it doesn't cover this..."Did you pay your deductible?"..."We don't accept this insurance. We can't see you"..."You have an outstanding bill. Your insurance doesn't cover that"...having your health is having everything, don't take it for granted.

Something **** Wrote

ALL THE ANGER, HATRED, AND DISTASTE WE SHOW FOR OUR NEIGHBORS IS RELATIVE. IT COMES IN MANY DIFFERENT FORMS AND EFFECTS PEOPLE IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. SOMETIMES THESE INFRACTIONS ARE INTENTIONAL AND OFTEN TIMES IT IS SIMPLY A LACK OF THE "PERIFERAL VISION" NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND THE WIDTH AND DEPTH OF PAIN WE IMPOSE ON OTHERS. CAN WE REVERSE WHAT IT IS THAT WE HAVE COMMITTED? WELL...NO, BUT WHAT WE CAN DO AT EVERY WAKING MOMENT IS CHANGE. CHANGE FOR THE SELF. CHANGE THAT INADVERTENTLY BENEFITS THOSE AROUND US. THIS EVOLUTION CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE AT ANYTIME; SOME EXPERIENCE THIS THROUGH LINEAR GROWTH AND SOME MUST OVERCOME AN INDEFINITE NUMBER OF TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS TO INDUCE THESE WONDEROUS TRANSFORMATIONS. NOT ONE, BUT MANY. THOSE WHO EMBRACE THESE UNCOMFORTABLE OBSTACLES BECOME MASTERS OF THERE OWN DESTINY. NOT ONCE, BUT FOREVER.

This Weekend

I really miss dancing. I miss the feeling of creating and moving. I am doing Pilates to get me more prepared to take some dance classes when I get back to Korea. I just don't have the transportation or the money here to take classes.

This weekend I will be going to the Arts Alive festival at Francis Marion University. I remember going there when I was younger. It really was a wonderful event. This year a Baha'i Choir from the Congo will be performing!!! I can't wait to see them. I also have a bridal shower to go to. A friend of my sister's is getting married in May and invited me to go. I haven't been to one of those in a long time.

I hope that this weekend is sunny and warm and full of happiness and laughter.

What to do?

Spring is offically here...pollen, flowers, sunshine and all. I went through my winter clothes, putting what I had taken out of the suitcase back into it and pulled out the summer clothes. I must say that I the thought of the sun on my skin made my stomach jump. I am truly a child of summer.

I met both of ****'s parents this past weekend. I like them both..his father in particular. He was a sweet and funny man. His mother has very kind eyes and a gentle disposition. I get the impression that one wouldn't want to cross them. We have been working on getting our materials together to send to Korea. I am going over to his house this evening to start sending our paper work off.

I had a disturbing dream a couple of nights ago. It was disturbing because of the emotions that it evoked. **** was in the dream but it wasn't about him. So many of the feelings I felt after the last botched relationship attempt lingered with me all day after I woke up. I think I am at a wierd place with ****. I can't put my finger on it. It isn't a bad thing but for the first time I really am having to let go. This is very difficult for me. In the past I always wanted to be a step ahead...in control so I wouldn't get hurt...but ultimately I was hurt beyond anything I could imagine. But it was what I was used to. It was predictable. This isn't. I cannot lie I am very scared. I think the dream was all about fear. Not fear of being in a relationship with **** but fear of newness. Fear of growth. Fear that even if I do all the right things I can still end up hurt.

The big thing is that we have decided to take out the physical aspects of the relationship. Although I am a Baha'i and chastity is one of the laws of my religion, I haven't been very good at keeping that law. I never learned how to be in a relationship with a male without the physical being involved. It all started when I was a toddler and didn't understand that aspect of myself. The abuse happened for years. Now I am at a stage in my life where I have to change what was learned and it is proving to be very difficult. Not that I have been involved in numerous relationships that involved physical interaction...but I learn from everything...I don't need to have a multitude of botched up relationships to be able to figure out what the pattern is.

It is hard to explain the effects of abuse and what is learned as a child. I don't remember being hugged or cuddled by my parents. I don't think I had a good frame of reference for what was acceptable physical attention and what wasn't...so as I got older I just didn't really allow anyone to touch me. I lived most of my teenage years and my early 20's completely closed off. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 19 or 20. There was a part of me that didn't want to deal with the past so avoiding romantic relationships was my solution. At this point in my life this isn't helpful...unless I want to remain single forever...and I must admit that sometimes that looks very inviting...only when I am feeling sorry for myself or selfish.

So, now, I am actually involved with a man and he is saying and doing all the things that I think I should be able to. I am trying to figure out how to set boundaries without putting up walls. I am used to putting up walls. What to do? What to do?

Friends With Potential

Things with **** are AWESOME!!! This decision to redefine our relationship has been so healthy and freeing. Basically we are doing the opposite of whatever we did in the past. There is this openness and freedom that wasn't there before. I guess we lifted the weight of "commitment". I think it was too early for that. Now we are friends with potential and it fits us well. We talk more now than before and question less. What hasn't changed is the level of honesty and effort to communicate with each other.

He is getting really excited about going to Korea. We have been looking at jobs and tomorrow we scan our documents and start sending them off. I am looking forward to it. I met his mother yesterday....she is a very kind and warm woman.

I was afraid of what was going to happen. I am happy that I let go of that fear and tried this. I am truly having the kind of relationship I had always envisioned for myself.

Morning Routine

9:00am wake up/read Holy Writings...say the Greatest Name...meditate...pray
9:30am do Pilates
10:00am eat breakfast
10:30am take a shower...get dressed
11:30am do TEFL online course
1:00pm eat lunch/leave for work

In My Mother's House

I will preface this entry by saying that I am deeply grateful to my mother for letting me stay with her since I had to suddenly leave Korea. There are not many people whose parents would do this. I guess it seemed like a great idea at first because I have not lived in my mother's house since I was 14....16 years. I know now that there truly is a time when you realise that you can never go home again and this has been such an experience...though I am deeply grateful.

My sister and her boyfriend are moving out of my mother's house this weekend. I hope that this gives my sister the opportunity to finally grow up. I haven't been home...in my mother's house for years and I must say that the experience has been eye opening to say the least. I know that I never want to have to stay with my mother again and I am so grateful that I have been able to live on my own for as long as I have. I have little to no relationship with my sister and I don't see that changing anytime in the near future. She has been spoiled by my mother and it is nearly impossible to voice any opinion or concern contrary to her own without it turning into a drama fest. I have been so far removed from this environment that I must admit it is a shock to my system. I don't like how angry I get and how often it has happened lately. I hate being yelled at, responded to with aggression or confrontation, and not being allowed to express myself fully. I also am coming to realise that things I have understood as being common expectations, like cleaning up after oneself when you are living with others, to be alien to my sister. Something as simple as this topic can be riled up into a ferocious frenzy. Just the very idea that someone can actually refuse to clean up after themselves and expect others to do it, surprises me. What surprises me most is that I am not supposed to say anything because it is my mother's house. I have been quiet about so much for this very reason and it is for this reason that I am happy my sister is moving and I am looking forward to leaving...never to stay in my mother's home again.

moving on

**** and I decided that it is best to be friends at this point. Of course there are a few reasons, which I reserve the right not to share, but there was no falling out. No drama or trauma. It seems that it is for the best. I am not quite sure what it means but I'll see.

songs of pain

i am sitting here hearing Arlene sing songs and my ears are crying from the pain of her effort. i am certain she is crazy...of this i am quite sure. (she laughs as i read this aloud...how strange)and still she sings.

...on second thought

There is alot on my mind and I don't know where to start...so I am not going to write right now.