Japan Visit

Just a few days ago I was in Japan visiting with my friend Layli. We figured out that we have been friends almost 20 years now. We were both amazed by how quickly time has passed. Japan was a nice break. It was good for me to get out and be in different surroundings. It was even better to be with a friend that I am so close to and to be able to reconnect. I finally bought a digital camera right before I left for Japan, so I have lots of pictures to share...I just have to figure out how to download and edit them.

I am not in much of a writing mood at the moment. I think I will be later.

i sat by the river piedra and i wept

A new book by Paulo Coehlo that is truly in the same tradition of "The Alchemist" and "11 Minutes", the two other books of his that I have read. I remember reading "The Alchemist" and crying most of the way through it. I was so touched by the beauty of it and how the journey of the protagonist mirrored my own towards love. His heart aches. The risks taken. The pains that ensued. The sacrifices made. The ardent search for the God inside of himself...God's love.

Then "11 Minutes" was a little harder to read because it told the story of how one woman stumbled into the world of sex in her search for love...for meaning in life. I say "stumbled" because I could see how getting to a certain place is a collection of choices that at one time started out innocent and safe. I saw the path that so many young women take...how they let themselves get lured into sexual relationships simply because of lack of education about themselves and the world...because they want to feel loved.

"i sat by the river piedra and i wept" is simply a beautiful story of a man and a woman who love eachother and part of finding their love is reconnecting with God through the many different facets of religion...of love. It shared wisdom about being able to take risks. Listening to that part of you that is connected to God. That part that seems childlike and unrealistic but is the pure voice inside of you. The voice that knows your heart and speaks on its behalf. What was interesting is that he names that part of us that silences the pure, childlike voice, the "Other". Freeing oneself from the "Other" was important not only to reconnect with God but also to surrender to love...to take the risks necessary to be able to say that you have loved...you have lived.

I have never read the words of a man who understands women and love like Paulo Coehlo. If you have never read anything written by him, if you want to take as much wisdom as you can from an elder, this man is the one to read. It is interesting for me to say that each book I read, I read at important points in my life. "i sat by the river piedra and i wept" definitly speaks to my own journey toward connecting with God and taking those risks of the heart that could lead to love.

The Convergence of Fates

It seems that now is the time for things to come together. My friend Hyun-joo, Seung-woo's sister, became a Baha'i two days ago. The ball is really moving. I always had a feeling that if one of my friends became a Baha'i, they would be able to teach the Faith far better than I ever could. After Seung-woo became a Baha'i I was amazed by his fearlessness and how easily he told others about the Faith. He started telling his family right away and now his sister has become a Baha'i. Both of them immediately got involved in the study circles and devotional gatherings. It has been a beautiful thing to watch the two of them embrace the Faith. Truly a blessing for me.

Then, I usually have a private on Saturdays but they moved it to Sunday. Today I went to check out the salsa dance studio where I will take lessons. I met the teacher and owner and found out that they offer a certification course!!! I have been looking for this for so long! Now at the moment there may be a schedule problem but Nari, the dance instructor, told me that they are considering moving the instructor's course to Saturdays!!! OOOOOHHHH, I hope they will! If this all works out, I can take any dance class I want during the week or weekend, and when I get home I won't need to try to take a course!!! I can start teaching right away if I want to! That would be incredible. Simply incredible.

Just when I thought that these last few months might drive me crazy for all the waiting, I just might be too occupied with things to even watch the time go by.

Looking Into My Future with Joy

I talked with my mom today for a skinny minute. I have been getting increasingly more antsy. I have all these ideas running through my head. All these things I feel drawn to do. My mom has always been the "great calmer"...putting things into perspective. I have been in touch with the program director for the Masters program I am interested in. Based on this woman's responses I am more than excited about starting the program. Now I gotta find a job, there are a couple of housing possibilities, and I am looking at cars. I have decided it will be in my best interest to go ahead and start graduate school as soon as possible so I will be applying for next summer's program. I think, with the Masters plus teacher certification in ESL, I can go anywhere in the world. So I am beginning to think about heading to South America after grad school. I have decided to go ahead and take the classes I want to here in Korea. I will try to get certifide when I get home. We'll see how it goes. I really want to travel and study how different cultures approach education. I want to look at different styles using the arts...music, dance, writing, drama, drawing, painting, speaking...to open a child's mind. To help them reach their ability. AHHHH!! I am so excited and so ready to go now! All the dreams and desires I have had and been unable to put into words have now taken shape. I will continue doing pilates in the morning and start taking those dance classes to keep my brain from getting fried!!! It seems that everything that was dammed up inside has now been let loose!

Caliente!

I just returned from a night out dancing with "da boyz". There are three guys that I hang out with alot my brother Vahid and my friends Faysal and Denny, who are like brothers to me too. We had so much fun dancing at this club called Caliente. I couldn't believe how packed it was! Folks were dripping sweat and the place got so hot and humid that is was really difficult to do turns on the wood floor. I must say that it wasn't quite the same without Efrain. In Korea alot of the Korean guys can do alot of patterns and dynamic turns but they don't FEEL the music and the rhythm. Efrain, who is Puerto Rican, could do the turns and stuff but he was able to do the best part, FEEL the music and move. Sometimes it is nice to get a break from all the twists and turns and the need to be on my toes as the follower. When a guy can just move to the music it is possible to dance without thinking. Efrain was good at that.

Well, I gotta head in. It is really late and I have a study circle tomorrow!!!!

Getting Healed

I am beginning to feel that energy again. The energy I felt when I first came to Korea. Like I am on a path and I know that it is the right one. I had a phone therapy/conversation which really has helped me to finally be able to pin-point the original pain and what causes the anxiety I was feeling in the mornings...which in turn brought about the exhaustion which then shows itself in impatience. Now I have some idea of what that last sliver from the past was and now I am being able to heal completely, a day at a time.

I keep writing about this as if anyone who is reading this has any idea where all of this is originating from. Well, as a child I was sexually abused for years and at the age of 7 I had to tell one of the people abusing me to stop. I had gone to all of the adults that I thought would protect me and no one had done anything. So for the longest time I have been carrying all of the scars that abused children carry and when I got much older, in college and experienced my first heartbreak I began to start therapy. So for about 10 years I have been going to therapy chipping away at the past and the pain. The thing that finally put me on this current path of doggedly pursuing freedom from the scars was the end of another relationship that was particularly traumatic.

So being in Korea has been such a blessing. I feel like God gently guided me into adulthood and I am finally being able to learn to love Him with full trust. It is a process. The abuse effected how I viewed myself in connection to God and this is the last part that I am in the process of changing now. It is a confusing thing to explain...the many different levels that abuse violates individuals...particularly children. The way children approach such things is a world apart from an adult. Alot of what many abuse survivors are dealing with is self-blame, guilt, shame, sense of responsibility for what happened to them. It makes so sense to an adult brain but for a child, in their many different stages, they take everything in and it is personal. For children they have to be be protected, feel protected and whether we like it or not, parents are like God to children until they are able to conceptualize the difference. I love the line in a movie called 'The Crow' when the main character tells a neglectful mother, "Mother is the name for God on the lips of all children". When I didn't feel protected by my parents I connected that abandonment to God also. Of course as an adult now I have a different relationship with my parents and I have been able to come to a place of peace with the both of them in very different ways. This was so important for me to be where I am now.

Deep huh? It really makes one think more seriously about parenting. I read a book once entitled "The Drama of the Gifted Child", I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand the direct link to their own healing and being a healthy parent and partner. It is an incredible book. Very short but powerful.

So, I am happier now. I am finally getting to the root of everything and it feels good. It feels real good!

Nite for Dancin'...What Nite Isn't?

I am about to head out the door for my favorite salsa spot, Macondo! Yeah, I have been wanting to dance all day! I do miss my friend Efrain. It has been a long time since I have had deep talks with a guy and connected easily. (Yeah, I met him while out dancing just in case it seemed like an unrelated topic!) AND my sister, my heart Janet is leaving in like a week and a half!!! Ahhhh! She keeps trying to convince me to come to New York and live for a little while. We'll see. I have so many friends there now but after living in Seoul I really don't know if I want to be in a big city again. We'll see. Okay, I gotta get ready!

My 7 Month Plan

Okay, I just had a life changing conversation/therapy talk. I needed something this real and solid. I have definitly learned some things about myself. If I ever get married and have kids, man, I hope that I use some of the things I have learned through healing ,as a result of my parents' screwed up relationship and parenting, that I will do the complete opposite. Dude, this whole marriage, being parents thing is no joke, no wonder I am no longer in any rush. I am not even ready. Basically, I gotta avoid building any relationships with men for the rest of my time here. Friends is cool but nothing more. This conversation was deep and it helped me to figure out what I need to be doing within myself to feel completely connected spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally...and now getting really involved with a guy would be a distraction and not too healthy...seeing as I am not really sure if I know exactly what I want. So, getting more connected with myself and God is the focus for the next 7 months. That is how long I have left here in Korea. Hopefully when I get back to the States I will have finally completely healed. Now that would be GREAT!!!

My Kids

Today Cavin said out of the blue,
"Ms. Adalia, I love you. Kiss"...on the cheek of course. He is a very sweet boy who can drive me crazy at times but he has the most infectious laugh and is an incredible artist.
And then there is Julie who said,
" That's wonderful"...pointing at the floor.
I kept looking and then she came beside me and pointed at the floor again,
"That's wonderful"
She was pointing at my shoes.
"You are talking about my shoes?"
"Yes, Ms. Adalia that's wonderful" I usually tell my students that something is wonderful when they have done a particularly good job at something or have colored/drawn a beautiful picture. It is interesting how she used it later. Oh, the things she says sometimes. She has a wonderful sense of humor. I am sad that she is moving to Italy next week.

Repentance

Something that caught my attention while watching the dvd is that Lauryn mentions that part of the reason that people are so unhappy and hide themselves is because of shame or a desire to hide what is weak in them. She mentioned repenting as a means for letting go and being at peace. I went to Ocean and found this passage:

The principle of baptism is purification by repentance. John admonished and exhorted the people, and caused them to repent; then he baptized them. Therefore, it is apparent that this baptism is a symbol of repentance from all sin: its meaning is expressed in these words: "O God! as my body has become purified and cleansed from physical impurities, in the same way purify and sanctify my spirit from the impurities of the world of nature, which are not worthy of the Threshold of Thy Unity!" Repentance is the return from disobedience to obedience. Man, after remoteness and deprivation from God, repents and undergoes purification: and this is a symbol signifying "O God! make my heart good and pure, freed and sanctified from all save Thy love."

(Abdu'l-Baha, Some Answered Questions, p. 91)

I have always wanted to understand what it means to repent. It seems that it is like saying you are sorry and then showing you are sorry by not doing the same wrong thing again. I know that is crazy simple sounding but maybe it is that simple.

Inspired by Miz Hill

I am watching the dvd of Lauryn Hill's unplugged concert(2001). I love being able to see her face and hear her voice. I have the cd and have listened to it over and over again through the years. She sings of my soul's struggles and wisdoms. Watching her is making me want to try to "unlock" my voice so that I can do open mics again. That was my "addiction" before dancing. I was a permenant fixture in coffee houses around Myrtle Beach for years...even started a poetry performing group with friends called "Sistah Poets". The last five years or so has seen some shifting and changing inside of me. Although I haven't stopped writing poetry I rarely read anymore. I even performed a one woman playI wrote for an independant theater course, "My Dear Mother Africa". It is incredible to me to look back on myself and see how fearless I once was.
Yeah, God puts these gifts inside of us and we can't rest until we understand how we can use them for the benefit of others and fulfill the desire inside of our souls to create. It is through fulfilling our passions that we praise and show thankfulness to God.

Fine Tuning to Serve Others

I am trying to figure out the best way to really work on my Latin dancing. I feel that it would be a benefit to me to get certification as an instructor. I have a few ideas for what I want to do with it but I really want more training. I think I am going to have to really sit down and map out what I can do with the time I have as well as the money I have. I want to learn how to teach and to do certain skills that really make the dance more fun BUT I don't want to go all stiff and "professional" looking. Everything looking too clean and choreographed. I guess the best thing is to just get training in many different ways and blend them with the style that is mine and maybe folks will be interested in learning.

Before Bed Ramble

I am feeling like I want to write but I am too tired to type much. I went and saw "Lucky Number Slevin" with my brother. Good movie! In the time between dinner and the movie I bought the "Lauryn Hill Unplugged" DVD and " The Bone Collector". I am pondering over a few things that I may write about later. Oh yeah, my friend Efrain got me really thinking about how to present the Baha'i Faith to folks using "convincing arguements and proofs". He is the first person I have met in a long time that has challenged me in this way. He is Christian and loves Jesus to the core of his heart but he said he was open to hearing more about the Baha'i Faith. At least the lines of communication are open.

Okay, I am going to bed now. Time to sleep.

My Friend Is Better

I went to see my friend who was hit by a taxi. She is ding much better than I thought she would be. She was in better spirits than I would have imagined. She will need to have two teeth implanted but that is not what she is too worried about, it is her hip. She has huge swollen bruises on both of her elbows and the same thing on her hip. That can be a tough injury to recover from. I am just happy that she is doing okay and I will see her again soon as she recovers.

Taxi Accident

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine was hit by a taxi while crossing the street. She has alot of damage to her face as a result of being hit. Yes, in Korea taxis don't stop for people sometimes even if the light is red. I will go see her tonight. I hope she is okay.

Efrain Garcia

I met a pretty cool guy last night. He is a musicican and he dances. Of course he is much more but I still have yet to really get to talk to him. We talked about so much but there is so much more to say. The annoying thing is that he is leaving soon...in two days to be exact.

I think about timing and how perfect it is if one just allows for time just to be. If had met him 3 years ago I probably would not have even spoken to him. I was not in a good place inside. He was also 3 years younger and probably still had things to learn about himself. Now I have this really small window just to have the opportunity to connect with someone and know that there are no expectations because there can't be any.

It is wierd to me that after coming to terms with my father on things from my past and being at peace with where he is, I am able to demand from myself to settle for nothing less than the qualities that are important to me. So far I have met two men who have shown me that I am not wrong for wanting these qualities or that they are too much to ask for. I will just be at peace with that knowledge and thank God for strength and growth.

Never Ceasing Healing

I had another strange dream a few weeks ago. In it I am trying to take a shower but I am covered in layer after layer of clothes. The need to "get clean" was so strong. I was getting so frustrated and my arms and elbows began to ache because of the effort...trying to remove the layers of shirts, sweaters, pants...When I woke I knew what the dream meant. I could feel it. I came to Korea with so much hurt. Well even before Korea there was so much hurt. It has taken me years to pull off all the "skin" the layers of pain, loss and sadness. And after all that effort I am still trying to "get clean". Sometimes, lately, I have been feeling suffocated. I wake up with so much anxiety and I don't know what it is. I know that I am deeply intuitive and it has taken me a long time to listen to it. I am not depressed. I am not lonely. I am not worried financially. It can only be spiritual and something in me that still needs healing.