Unfolding Future

over this Chu'seok holiday a few things have occurred in my small world. i came across my muse...Jehro....i cannot help but to write and see movement in my mind when i listen to him. he has become my inspiration for searching for my own voice. my own way of expressing myself through dance, as a teacher, as a writer. his song "All I Want" has been playing since yesterday. i can't help but to listen over and over and over again because he seems to be speaking to this journey i have been on. my favorite lines are " I know, finally, I have never been alone. I just couldn't see."

a very import thing i also realized is that for most of my life i have been looking outside of myself for fulfillment artistically and in love. today i realized that everything i need artistically is inside me already, i only need to find my own voice and then set to perfecting it. in doing so i also discover love. my fears of being alone forever seemed to have this hold on me and i didn't see it for so long. i didn't really pursue what my heart wanted because it would take me so far off the beaten path. my greatest unhappiness is an unfulfilled life and i know this now. somewhere, somehow, i learned that to have a fulfilled life meant that someone had to be sharing it with me. i also know that what ever path this is i am traveling, it is different and the only way i would be happy in a union is if i am already fulfilled. love will find me on this path. i just have to be true to my heart so i can see another's.

a life decision that i came to is that i will return to Coastal Carolina University and get my MAT. it is a 14 month course Masters in Teaching with teacher certification. achieving this will open many doors for me in my career. my plan, a this point, is after i am finished, is to work as a teacher overseas again in places where a teacher's salary is quite lucrative and where i can study dance...even teach dance. i am not sure how long i will be doing this. it just feels like a natural progression.

i have no idea where all of this is heading but i do know that i am not afraid. things are falling into place, making it obvious that the way i am going is definitely my way. i am feeling the same confirmation and peace i felt when i first came to Korea 5 years ago. my life has taken so many turns since then. so many dreams i didn't know i had or were even mine were fulfilled here. having had such an experience how can i be afraid or doubt?

Forgiving

i remember the day it happened. i spoke the truth without emotion. with so much detachment that i wasn't sure it was me on the phone. the listener couldn't deny what we both knew was true. there was a simple acceptance that things were the way they were going to be. the past couldn't be changed. the choices my father made that created the relationship he has with his adult children couldn't be undone. we both knew it. we also both knew that if he wanted present conditions to change it was going to require an acceptance of responsibility that he is not ready to undertake. but once the truth was spoken, the child in me no longer needed to hear his apology because i had put into words what the 7 year old couldn't.

this phone call was long in coming and was preceded by two attempts at communicating my present hurt to my father...hoping he'd realize that he played a role in what i was trying to heal. both attempts weren't met with anger on his part, just a distant silence...similar to what i experienced at the age of 5.

forgiveness has been a great struggle. probably the biggest test of my adult life. somehow i had gotten it in my head that forgiveness meant that the victimizer was absolved of all responsibility and i just had to swallow my anger, live with my night terrors, and muddle my way through life ignoring the hurt they caused. my abusers hurt me by taking advantage of my youngness and vulnerability. my father hurt me by not protecting me when i needed it and asked him. an ex hurt me when he asked about something deeply painful and then turned it on me. and some hurts, like these, go far deeper than the heart. they go to the soul and it aches all the time.

i felt protected by my anger and my unwillingness to forgive. not that anyone was asking. it was a mental thing and it was definitely all in my head. it would make me angry beyond words when ,every once in awhile, a therapist or a friend would mention forgiveness. how dare i have to be the one to do all the hard work? and forgiveness is definitely hard work.

i kept making poor decisions when it came to relationships with men. i knew that the only way to change this was to finally confront my father. i have always had difficulty praying but when i finally do pray they are always answered.

one day about 4 years ago i prayed about what to do about my father. it was heavy on me because i was tired of being the one to approach him. the next morning i woke up and something inside just said, "call him." the conversation that ensued between us could have been guided by none other than some angel because the truth was heard by both of us and i was able to accept where my father was. after hanging up the phone i knew that i had turned a corner and i could never go back. i remember thinking, "so this is what forgiveness feels like."

there was a great lifting of heaviness as well as a new sense of personal power that i had never felt before. i didn't know that this is what forgiveness felt like. the boundaries were clear. the need to have validation from the only man i knew as my father was gone. i also knew that no longer could i hold onto being a victim. no longer could i blame past transgressions for the choices i was making as an adult.

i realized something. forgiveness doesn't mean the transgressor is absolved of responsibility. forgiveness means a return of power to the one who was transgressed against. it means that you can choose not to be around the transgressor and feel no guilt about it. you understand that they made the choice to hurt you and you are making the choice not to be hurt by them again. you can speak your truth. forgiveness is unconditional yet there is a justice involved. until the other party forgives themselves and accepts their responsibility, they do not get to experience a full and healthy relationship with you. you get to stop the cycle of transgression and victimization. you no longer hand over power to any being other than God.

after this experience with forgiveness it was not easy to forgive later but where there is a desire, no matter how small, it will come to pass. so, for a second time i have been able to forgive and i must say it is becoming easier.

becoming beautiful

over the past couple of days people have observed a change in me. a new energy. "you are radiating energy." change in me physically. "you were pretty before. now you are becoming beautiful."

i know when i went home it was time. i knew that it was important for me to finally release so much stuff that i had been holding inside. i had done so much work that the dust left over needed to be cleaned off. korea being the place where i did the greatest amount of work was not the place to finally be rid of the baggage. home was it. i did nothing special when i was home but be with people i needed to be with. some people i did not get to see but those i did made all the difference.

i am back in korea feeling much lighter and clearer. i feel like i have recaptured some of that energy i had that is just part of who i am. i must say that the one phrase that keeps going around in my head is, "i have stepped into my woman self." you know a guy can be attractive or unattractive but regardless of his physical appearance, you can tell when he is in his man skin and the boy is gone, he is beautiful. not everyone gets to that place. it is really difficult and it happens without you knowing it at times. it all has to do with the choices one makes about how to handle what life brings to them. eventually you stop blaming others and God for where you find yourself if it is less than you expected. choice is a Divine quality given to human beings. once i came to realize this i understood that as an adult, regardless of how a person treats me or a situation unfolds, my choices play a big role in what i let into my life. one can choose to make this a burden or a point of empowerment.

when i was younger i didn't think that i had a choice. on a fundamental level i didn't think i did. this sense of powerlessness, that i was unaware of, requires that someone or something holds the power. you let them make the choices, you follow, and when you find yourself hurt beyond repair you have someone to blame. i know that this giving over of power came from events in my childhood and it was learned before i had the ability to truly understand. yet, this is the wonder of the stages of human growth and maturing. one can achieve a level of justice and peace as an adult for their child self by using their Divine right to make choices that protect their soul.
now i am very clear with people and i am finding that it is becoming easier for me to speak the truth.

so, becoming beautiful is a lifelong process and beauty truly is something that has to be from the inside out not the outside in. it has more to do with your inner sense of self and purpose. hard work. hard work and self examination and healing.