Knowing Yourself: First Element of the Building Relationship Formula

Now, after weekend one, the weekend I met Ryan, all other weekends and week days seem to blur. I wrote nothing in a journal. I didn't make myself remember some particular tidbit. It is all just one collective experience after the initial meeting. Ryan made a point of noting certain dates and events. He will probably be able to fill in the spaces to provide continuity. Once again, I will write from my own experience.

To talk about the building process, I have to go back a year or more, and look at myself. Now, the Writings of the Baha'i Faith speak of folks knowing themselves as part of the investigation of character process. Actually, let me just take investigation of another person's character out of the conversation and look at investigating my own character. It is amazingly sad how many folks do not know themselves. I think we sometimes make efforts NOT to know ourselves. I dabbled around the edges for years but was not quite ready to really know myself.

I have spent the better part of the past 7 years investigating my own character. I am not adverse to therapy and counseling and I have seen a few over the years. For some reason I was born with the insatiable need to UNDERSTAND. Some folks can ignore things inside themselves that cause them to go into survival mode, fight or flight, I am not one of those people. I look to root out stuff that causes fear, anger, resentment. It is hard work. It can be scary work. It is a constant practice in humility and being honest with myself.

This past year, while I was pursuing my master's degree, I also pursued healing. I discovered early on in my program that I had this self defeating cycle and the only way I was going to make it through was to break that cycle. I went to a therapist on campus, it was free, and I found myself actively learning how to change the way I thought. I either inherited or created a record that constantly played loudly words that I spoke to myself but would never say to someone else. Although I had gone to lots of therapists, it wasn't until I was really ready to face down childhood demons, take away their power, and embrace the child warrior I was, could I move on.

I learned a lot about myself. I learned the power of taking control of my emotions instead of letting them control me. I learned two new words that I use to this day to describe certain behavior "AWFULYZING" and "CATASTROPHYZING". I learned to live in and accept the present. I learned that there are very few "shoulds" and lots of "just are's". I finally stepped fully into my own skin, no longer unsure of who I was and what I wanted.

Step into the picture Ryan Sawhill. I met Ryan Sawhill AFTER I truly met Adalia Ellis. I can say with conviction that I understand the power of knowing myself. I know now when I feel fear and am willing to understand where it is coming from. I know what I want and don't want and I am learning to be okay about communicating it. I found that it was only after knowing myself that I could see in another person what I needed. All the things I learned and developed over the years were not to just be able to be married to someone, but to be able to love myself and be fully present in all aspects of my life.

So, to build a loving partnership I had to start with something. I was the something. Knowing myself allowed me to see in Ryan the attributes and actions he possessed that would be indispensable for me in a long term, committed relationship. Know thyself...

Weekend I: Meeting Ryan Sawhill

I have wanted to write about my relationship with Ryan for some time but held back as years of experience told me that sometimes putting something into words can be premature and create expectations. Although Ryan and I will agree on the obvious things that took place regarding how we met, this is my version of how I “saw” things.

I started going to Charlotte pretty often from around New Years on. I found a great salsa community there and as a result I was also able to reconnect with some very dear friends such as: Dell and Roya Campbell, Kereshmeh Henderson, and Janeen Hicks. (Remember I was out of the country for 6 years.)

It was during one of my visits in May that Ryan and I met. I had come up to go to Alphonso Beckman's graduation and Shidaun Campbell was in a Poppin' battle that weekend also. While I was there I had dinner with Janeen Hicks. Of course during the course of that conversation topics like relationships, lessons learned, and internal growth were discussed. (She and I have never had a long “how's the weather?” conversation.) At some point during the dinner she said,

“I think you should meet Ryan Sawhill”....Me: ”Hmmmm, right”....and I changed the subject.

I started telling her about the 5 essential qualities or attributes that I knew were non-negotiable for me when meeting potential partners. I also told her, as I had told my dear sister Asali the week before, I don't want to get married right now. I want to be able to build with someone. I would prefer being in a friendship where the possibility was there but there was no pressure to make it more.

Again Janeen said, ,” I really think you should meet Ryan.” ...Me:”*Sigh* Ok, why?” And she went on to tell me how he fit all of the 5 qualities I needed in someone. This piqued my interest so I agreed that I would meet him that weekend.

Janeen called Ryan and this is the gist of what I overheard, “Hi Ryan! Guess what, Adalia's here.”.....”Well, she wants to get married and you want to get married so I think you should talk.”
(HAHAHAHA!!! Gotta love how Janeen beats around the bush.)

So, as it so happened, I was planning to go to two events that Ryan already had plans to attend. So we met at the Reflections Gathering, which was awkward to say the least...we didn't talk much as I remember it. :)

Later that day we rode together to the battle that Shidaun was participating in. It was during this ride that I shifted from, “interesting person” to “maybe this is something worth paying attention to.” Ryan did something that no other man had ever done and that is, he took initiative. He acknowledged the awkwardness and was very open with where he was at the moment. Amazingly we were both on the same page. Both were open, honest, authentic people who, although wanted to marry, we didn't want it to be the end all goal. We both wanted to build rather than push and hurry. Being friends was most important.Major room to breathe.

So, after an awesome evening watching Shidaun vanquish his opponents and win the poppin' battle I went back to Kereshmeh's. Now, as a result of major mis-communication, I ended up car-less in Charlotte so Kereshmeh was driving me back to the beach the next day. During the course of the evening I told Ryan about the trip the next day so imagine my surprise when he sent me a text later that evening asking if he could come along. Initiative. Impressive to Adalia.

The trip turned out to be so much fun. It was the best time I had had at the beach with friends in a long time. So, when Ryan and Kereshmeh left I knew that not only did I have a new friend but here was a person that there could potentially be more with. For the first time I had no expectations or goals other than to build. To be present and to be completely myself.

How We Stumble and Fall Into Waiting Arms

I am close to making yet another life journey and this one will be with a companion. Someone I have come to love and regard with deep trust and respect. The parents are being talked to and asked for permission. At some point I will tell the story as fully as I can but for now I choose to just share that love has come a knockin' once again. This time I was prepared to answer.