I am Getting Sick

these wacky changes in the weather are making lots of people sick..now it looks like i am following the crowd. i am about to go to sleep though so i am hoping that rest is going to help.

i had a BIG discovery today. the childhood memory really opened the door to the real issue and i am trying to get my head around it. i felt invisible as a child so i would create opportunities for me to be "seen" and in my head i created an idea of who i was that was not connected to reality. i think i have done that often, created a woman in my mind that is unrealistic and based not on who i really am but an idea. this idea is very connected to the ego and perceived ideas from a human perspective of what it means to be seen or loved. when these human perceptions fall short of reality it is as if i am suddenly pulled out of a dream...a bubble. it is time to stop living in that bubble.

it was very helpful for me to pinpoint the specific components of what i am needing to deconstruct and now i can attach these components to a "figure" that i can also deconstruct.

Significant Memory

today a very significant memory came to me. it has been the "script" by which i have been living my life for years. this "script" was developed when i was in the second grade and i realise now that 7 was a very significant age for me. i made a lot of life decisions around that time and i have been living with them ever since. wierd for me to be saying that now as an adult but truthfully, when do we start adopting roles and behaviors? we start when we are children. i am really sleepy at the moment so i am too lazy to share the details. i will probably write more about it tomorrow.

i want so badly to share this with him but i can't because it would only make him feel like i am not leaving him alone and i said i would. this is what i would have told him had we still been talking.

Breaking It Down

i am feeling the need to chronicle this growth i am experiencing. i think it is very significant. today i went to the River Walk in Conway and wrote. this morning i talked with Aliyyah about how much i miss him and that i find it hard to focus on what is the real issue, this truth that i contructed as a child. she offered some very good insight:
1) it is not an organic process. it is purposeful and feels unnatural. i have to be constantly aware of how i am thinking. i have to be constantly aware of how to change it.
2) break it dowm into small bits. i become overwhelemed when i see it as one big challenge. by breaking this "truth" down into smaller pieces i am able to work on them in managable ways.
so, i went to the River Walk to gather my thoughts. it was a beautiful sunny,warm Fall day. the leaves are changing. there was a quiet around me and the words came out. i wrote on the page the components of my old truth...the ancient saddness that i feel was passed down to me...
1) Heavy emphasis on creating unrealistic standards for myself and becoming depressed when i don't reach them
2) Heavy emphasis on creating in my mind unrealistic scenarios and then becoming attached to them so when things don't "work out" i am deeply affected
3) BELIEFS:
~ I am not lovable
~ I am meant to be alone
~ I am meant to do things alone
~ My needs are not important
~ There is something inherently wrong with me

i will be looking at these components separately so that i can address each one easier. i think, though, that by deconstructing some of them i will deconstruct others too. the situations that these parts of the truth that became entwined in my being becomes apparent has been in "romantic relationships" but i know that this truth affects many parts of me...career, art, family...so it is not about him. it is about me changing something that has been undermining me in my adult life. i am excited and scared because i have no idea where this is all taking me. i do know that it has to be better that where i have been internally all these years.

Fall=Change

It is funny. I didn't really notice Fall until I was in Korea. Fall is so beautiful there and I am beginning to miss my other home. I knew it would happen eventually. My Korean sister Sopia has gotten married and I really wanted to be there. Anyway, I digress, Fall. In Korea, the mountains are on afire with color and brilliance. The weather has become cooler and I must say there is a different energy in the air. It is contemplative and peaceful...like a silence after loud, boisterious summer. It is called the Season of Lovers because it is the best time to go for a walk or a hike or a road triip with your sweet heart.

I am noticing Fall here and I am surprised that I hadn't before. When I am driving down some of the country roads, which is pretty often, I am the only car on the road amongst all the colors of the changing leaves. In my travels around my home state I have driven down some truly beautiful stretches of road. I will actually choose the scenic route over a shorter less beauiful one because it makes the drive go faster.

Fall, since Korea, has become my season of shedding, death, change whatever you want to call it. I usually go through some major shifts internally and start getting rid of old patterns, habits, truths that may have served me well at one time but don't any longer. This past month has been very intense for me in that way. The mental tests that the Writings speak of are not only external sources but mostly internal ones. I think when I was younger I didn't really understand what was meant by "mental tests" but I certainly do now. It is amazing all of the self degrading thoughts and patterns that a person can adopt when they are children. I have a much deeper and profound respect for the sacredness of parentling now.

The exciting thing is that now I am starting to shed things so I get to replace old patterns with new ones and I get to be a big part in what those patterns will be. Right now I am in the middle of things and though it has been hard but I can see the end.

Some Place to Go

inside where everything starts. in my heart and soul where i accepted a truth that allowed me to make sense of an insecure world. i took in so much negativity and made it part of me now i have to descontruct it. at the core of me i feel i am not meant to be loved, that i am not worthy of being loved or protected, i am always going to be alone both physically and emotionally, and i am not enough as i am. this last involvement really brought this truth to the forefront. i want so badly to believe that what i held to be true for so long is not true...i long to meet someone to discredit it. the only problem is that this is something i need to change myself. another person cannot do this for me. i see now what i have failed to see until now. it is time for me to change the core belief i have had of myself.

to do this required me to separate from the guy i was becoming friends with. i saw my past behavior coming through and i loved him. i really did...i still do and i so miss him. i am hoping that by taking care of myself i can be better for him and become a more centered person. i can love myself. i hope that by doing this i haven't ruined the possibility of reconnecting later.

there have been so many fears. so many mental tests. i am excited to get this worked out so that i will be centered and at peace finally. i can be adalia.

No Place to Go

of all the great and wonderful things happening in my life i can only be inspired to write out of grief and pain. i am tired of these mental tests i keep getting. i am tired of working so hard to become a better person only to be alone. i am tired of me being so careless with my heart that i keep letting people in who take it for granted and see so little worth in being there. i am tired of me choosing to let myself become involved with people who are careless, insensitive, who don't reciprocate, who choose others over me, who are lesser friends to me than i am to them, who treat me with little regard or respect, who are only looking out for themselves though they speak with words like honey...though they look at me as if i am the only one. i am tired of grieving. i am tired of crying. i am tired of aching. i am tired of my heart hurting. i wish i could just give up and accept solitude. i lived in solitude for so long and it was so much easier. so much less painful. then i loved. i loved deeply and now solitude doesn't bring me peace but neither does loving. i am a wandering, hurting spirit with no place to go.

Falling Hard

i swear to God i haven't had such a hard time getting over a person in a long time. for the first time ever it isn't because anyone did anything wrong, the timing just isn't right. it is funny, since i don't have anything to be angry about it is hard for me to cut stuff off. i think i can say with full confidence that i was falling in love with this guy...like really. and it was the first time i didn't have to stop being Adalia to do it. i think for the first time i really loved a person and i was completely all there. there was something beautiful and affirming about that. having to distance myself has been so painful. and it is deep. there is something inside of me that just isn't understanding how it is that two people can discover each other, see that they have what the other wants, complement eachother, and be completely themselves with one another and not be together...at least taking the opportunity to know each other better. i wish i hadn't started to fall in love with him. i wish i had used my head and not my heart. i wish i had done a better job of taking care of myself. i guess i can now and i am. it has been tiring the mental process i am undertaking. the process of changing how i think on a fundamental level. the efforts at living in the present moment are really taxing. i know that i am growing and changing but it has been so very hard. i have had to be vigilant about being careful about how talk to myself, what thoughts i let form in my head that can either cause me pain or happiness is a drain on my energy, and also missing him...feeling the constant ache of his absence and distance physically, mentally, and emotionally.i just start crying sometimes because the feeling overwhelms me but this is happening less and less these days. i have to be patient. i have to learn the lesson. i have to embrace the pain that is found in grief so that i can let go.