Haunted by the Past

I just woke up from an afternoon nap...very rare these days...and had a strange dream. I was at some function and was sitting on bleechers with a friend near me. I am not sure what we were watching...I think a performance or a speech of some sort. Then my ex-fiance shows up...I can still see him clearly. I know he sees me sitting there but he ignores me as he walks up through the bleechers and greets the girl he cheated on me with. They were all smiles and he was holding her by her head and smiling and talking...a very intimate exchange. Then they sit down and the friend next tome starts cutting the fool and I end up laughing and falling over. I know he sees me and sees that I don't care that he ignored me or that he is with her. Then I either woke up or moved on to another dream.

I haven't had a dream with him or her in it for a long time. When I first came to Korea I was still having these night terror dreams that started when I was in Chicago...bad breakup...and as I healed the dreams just stopped. Once I had taken away the power I had given him. This is the first dream in a long time and I saw him so clearly. I can see why I was attracted to him. He was a handsome man...an immature, cowardly, selfish handsome man and I was too immature myself to see it.

I heard the girl got married and I really am not sure if it was him or not. I assumed not him but I am not sure. Whatever the situation it's okay. I think there still is a part of me that is hurt by the whole thing and maybe that is what the dream was revealing to me, that any trace of negative feelings isn't good for me. I'll see what my intuition and prayers tell me.

A Shadow of the Late Macondo

Last night my brother and I went to Macondo, which is what I have been doing for the past three years. The old Macondo was closed and torn down while I was last in America so a new one was opened just a street over. Anyway, the new place has a different vibe...too many stuck up, scared, cold Korean people..unlike the last one where people, Koreans too, were able to just chill. Well, last night I saw the Macondo I was used to and it was great! We met some pretty cool people and just cut the fool and had fun. There was the awesome couple there just dancing their a@@es off. It just felt like the folks who were there were mildly interested in meeting up with people...like as we left this couple got to talking to me and my brother, found out the guy was from Mexico. The woman I couldn't figure her out. I think she was Korean but had travelled to South America for some time. We also met this cool woman named Elizabeth and a guy named Jerry...not hooked up. I had friends show up that I hadn't seen in a long time so my brother got to meet them too. Yeah, lots of laughing, dancing and good vibing!!!!

Freeing My Time

I finally got out of Toastmasters. I felt like I was suffocating being in that club. This year things has been so different. People that I thought were my friends really weren't or were simply using "friendship" to get what they wanted. Yeah, this year has been different. It is time for me to go home or to explore other places...make new friends.

Being at One

Until tonight I had forgotten the gift I received when I met one of my cousins or the first time. Not long out of rehab and going to AA meetings, asked me to come along. Ahhhh, I was so humbled. I saw struggle that has a face. The air charged with fear, hope, determination, defeat, shame, guilt, and truth. People brought so low that there was no other option but to be honest. The only way to heal was to admit to the poison, to addiction, to the fact they had lost control. I was amongst giants and I knew it. What am I trying to say...that I have felt the same way, that I am sure that to whom much is given much is required and I have been given so much...I am not talking only about being a Baha'i. Yes, I had a hard childhood but was blessed with wisdom beyond my years...I have lived a charmed life since those days despite my heartbreaks and pains I am still whole. I am now whole.

Family Adjustment

Today we celebrate my brother's 29th birthday. Incredible isn't it? How time passes. I think I have spent the majority of my life...especially my developing years...seperate from my family. I have lived a life that none of them have really shared in. This is true for most of us I think. I feel that I have become maybe too comfortable with being alone...living alone.

Anyway, my brother is here and it has been strange. I don't feel that strong brother/sister bond. I don't go out of my way to spend time with him and I am hesitant to really include him in my life..not necessarily in what I am doing but actually sharing of myself...my problems or just to talk. I think part of it is the attitude in my family that what is yours is also theirs...like I want to cut up some vegetables and I find my knife is missing...he has it. I want to get something to drink and I find that my cups are missing..he has them. You can't say "yes" one time because it is always "yes" from then on. I think I am understanding what my mother was feeling when I came home for an extended time last year. She is so used to her things...cars, movies, house...being taken over by her children. I had to reallly get it into her head that I didn't want to use anything that she wasn't comfortable letting me use. I had to tell her to tell me "No".

I am realizing now that maybe I just need to be more clear about my boundaries because I have them but they haven't been articulated, even for me. I grew up without many boundaries so it is hard for me to admit to them, recognize them, and to maintain them. That's the key.

Limitless Possibilities

I am sooo tired and I need to be sleeping now. My mind is so awake but my body desperately needs sleep. I had strange dreams last night that I can't seem to shake. I am soooo tired...there I said it again...I feel antsy. I don't know what to do with myself and all this energy I have all of a sudden. I am actually contemplating not staying home when I get back in Feb. I am thinking of being there long enough to take the Praxis exams and then being off again. I don't think I will be able to save up the amount of money I want to. I also am feeling like I am not finished exploring the world and finding my place in it. Lots of unfulfilled dreams. Lots of energy that is not ready to be tied down now.

Stepping Into It

There is nothing quite like the days I have been living... full of the concequences of my own choices...my own decisions. I can say with some sense of comfort that I am at ease and feel peace. I followed my intuition and made a decision. My heart and soul feel released...my mind relieved. Suddenly I am seeing all that has been in front of my eyes..what I needed to focus on all this time while I was distracted...fighting with my inner voice.

I no longer fear a future of singleness. I embrace the idea with great zeal now...hopeful of all the dreams I have had coming true because I chase them and God Wills them. I will love as I will love and I will find completeness in becoming excellent in those talents God gave me...oh great future...oh wonderful springtime!

Teacher's Promise

Days and weeks are passing swifter than ever. Relationships are being built. Relationships are falling apart. Students are learning. The teacher is learning. Always learning...this speeds up time. All children are different making you different when each one comes into your prescence. Each can be encouraged toward good, being malliable, influenced by those who, for the time being, are more wise. Children wish only to see a smile, a word of encouragement that shows love...recognizes their worth, shows belief in potential both present and future...the phenomenal people they already are.