Writing It Out

I think I thought when I was much younger that at some point in life your dreams, aspirations, longings for completeness are met. I find myself a frustrated 41 year old who seems to have lived all of those dreams, aspirations, and found my longing completed in my youth and young adulthood. I feel as if I am marking time now. Like my time is long past and I am spinning my wheels in a empty effort to fill the space or to feel relevant. I am now married. I am now a mother. The two things I longed for for years, the space I filled with all of my dreams, aspirations and longing, I now have and I feel incomplete. Had I spent so many years looking to the future that I didn't do what I needed for myself? I never felt that way before. I think I am feeling trapped by my decisions. I am feeling the regret of long years of nursing a broken heart and a wounded soul. I am feeling the regret of not planning for my future financially. I am feeling regret for not truly being bold and fearless when I had the chance. When there was so much less to lose. So much less to fear. I used to think I knew what my calling was. I used to think I knew what talents and abilities I was given to develop in service to others. Now, I don't know. I am in limbo.

What do I do with the time I have now? How do I use it well, with purpose, productively, with intention? Do I settle into the mundane of my life and find happiness there? Or rather bring happiness to it? Do I focus on getting my body back, educating my son, building with my husband? Will I see a glimpse of my next steps in these mundane, happy, constructive everyday works? Is this where my service is for now? Is this part of the ebb and flow that I have experienced over and over in my life?

Can I happily throw myself into these difficult tasks because honestly, they ask the most of me. They ask of my inner, deepest self and demand time that I feel I don't have. Maybe that is the problem. I am seeing time as lost to me when in actuality, I have time for things I do not want to do but need to do. It is letting go of the ego self. The ego self that keeps looking for the next big thing. The next thing that will show me and the world that I am relevant.

Once I stop seeking recognition I will find peace in the space I am currently inhabiting. I will find peace and be happy.