Now is the Time

I recently met a woman who reminded me of what my greatest gift is. We don't speak the same language. We don't practice the same religion. We are separated in age by two generations. We are not from the same culture. Yet, my heart and soul responded in her presence. Like a wind that was once restrained finding release. She held a peace and composure that I felt instantly drawn towards. I asked her to teach me how to listen to God and she did. She showed me how to meditate. She reminded me of the intimate connection between prayer and meditation. The most profound thing she did without saying anything, was to remind of the one gift I have that I can be passionate about and can make my life's focus. It is spiritual strength and power. I was told once by a fortune teller I spoke to on a whim many years ago, that I possessed a spiritual power that I do not acknowledge or accept. He told me that this power was passed to me by mother because she prayed so much when she was pregnant with me. He told me that I would not be happy, feel centered or find peace until I embraced this power. He told me that it was my guiding voice if I chose to listen to it. He told me things I already knew but had never voiced aloud or in writing.

Meeting this woman re-awakened something inside of me that I thought was dead and lost. Beaten down by pain, compromise, and neglect. I felt and saw a glimpse of the me that I knew but did not understand. I know now that this is my life's purpose. My life's goal and passion is to learn about this spiritual power, allow it to be the guiding force in my life, and infuse it into all that I do as a dancer, teacher, event organizer, writer...this is what I must do.

Getting Some Relief

In my most recent post "Venting" I shared a very rare moment of blinding anger I felt while married. Luckily for me these moments do not occur very often but rather it is the result of many withheld words and frustration covered by with being busy with life.  Ryan did write to his former boss, he will be waiting for a reply, and he will be going home early. This was the plan from the start if he didn't find a job here soon. The Universe has converged and has spoken. It is time to give up on the possibilities of living here and to start living where certainties are offered.

What does this mean for me? For me it is a win-win situation. I find work, go home, do the masters program I wanted to do at Columbia College and who knows from there. I certainly do know we learned some lessons being here and we would have regretted not having taken the leap to come here. But now it is time to move on.

We shall see what comes of the phone interview. I will start looking into teaching positions in classrooms and online. I am just relieved that a decision has been made after living so long in limbo. We shall see what the days and weeks ahead hold for us.

Venting!

I need to VENT!!! I am about to KILL Ryan! He tells me last night that he received an email from his former boss letting him know that there are openings at home and he would arrange to have someone do a phone interview with him if he was interested. I am thinking, after our conversation last night and the consultation with my mom I figured he would get right on it.

NOPE! He has been on the computer/internet all night and has not replied. And honestly, I think his boss may have sent this email a few days ago. I am soooooo PISSED!!!

I asked him why he hasn’t replied yet. His answer is that it wasn’t meditated choice. He was caught up doing other things. On the computer the entire time.

These are the times I know I chose the wrong person to be married to. I don’t see any end to this behavior. This is the same pattern I have seen all year.  People have asked for his resume and he didn’t give it to them. He was told about a job here recently that could be a possibility, you know why he didn’t follow up? He had to do an online application!

He has been whining and depressed for over a year supposedly about not having a job. Not taking the opportunity to find a job. I have encouraged, supported, listened, talked, waited, worked, paid bills for over a year and this is what he does. He stays on the computer all night and doesn’t even reply to a job opportunity.  Oh, and he doesn’t want to talk about it as he continues working on the computer.

I am married to a f**in boy and I am tired of it! He is an able bodied person who chooses not to work. He would rather have his wife do it all while he sits around doing whatever he wants while trying to sound guilty and depressed about it.  It is time for his a@@ to go home! I am done!

Good at many, Exceptional at none

This morning when I woke up the first thought that came to me was that I am good at many things but exceptional at nothing. I have been taking stock of my life over the past year or so. I have been looking at the choices I have made. I have always been spread too thin. I have no real focus or direction. I have followed whatever seemed most plausible or reliable in the moment. My adult life has been a meandering one. I love teaching, I have fallen into quite by accident but I have recently come to realize that I am not an exceptional teacher. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have no life directed goal or focus that I pour the majority of my energy into. I do not have a life passion for which I am constantly honing my skills and becoming better and better at. Honestly, I never wanted to teach young children. I have fallen into it but I always wanted to be in a classroom of teenagers, young adults. I am not intellectually stimulated working with children and being in an ESL environment has its drawbacks also.

I have been on the cusp of some shift for quite a while. I do not know what I want to do or where I want to go. I want to find something that I can be exceptional at. Some heart and soul path that I would passionately and with single-mindedness travel down. At some point in my life I began to settle. I took the easiest route but that may not have necessarily been the best choice.

I have some reflecting to do. Some decisions to make. Some changing to start.