heart memory

in May ten years will have passed since my soul journey to East Africa. i sometimes remember Asmara, Eritrea and tears come to my eyes. it was such a powerful trip. such a look into the nobility of being human. my heart is still attached and i hope that whatever happens in my future, a part of it is getting back to "the Continent".

yeah, ten years and my passport is stamped on so many pages that i had to have new pages added. i know it has been ten years because today i go to the US Embassy to have my passport renewed for another ten years.

it is strange the things in our lives that mark the time. the first passport i ever had was for going to East Africa. during a 3 day visit to the Baha'i Holy Land in Haifa, Israel, it was stolen. well my ENTIRE bag was stolen and it was by the grace of God that i got out of Israel and back home. that in and of itself is a story. needless-to-say, my passport says, "Issued- U.S. Embassy Tel Aviv, Israel", a temporary passport...so i have to tell people at customs when i enter any country, "Go to page 21. My passport was extended.

today i turn in my old one for a new one. i was elated when i found out that i get the old one back. the photo of the 22 year old me has a great tan. my new one will be a much paler version. the effects of life in the city!!!

so 22 is now 32 and with countless life changing experiences under my belt still, none move me like my memories of East Africa. none.

BIG NEWS!!!

yes, in my life which seems to move at a snail's pace when it comes to reaching personal goals, i have finally gotten the letters of recommendation i need for graduate school!!! yes, now i have only to write my own letter and the application is COMPLETE!!!

more sleep?

i am starting to get that antsy, panicky wake up crazy early in the morning feeling again. it is 5 a.m. and i cannot sleep. i usually get like this around transitions. so much to do! make sure my students finish all of their books, get my kinders ready for Festival, start packing and moving my stuff, getting my passport in the mail to the US Embassy so I can get it renewed so I can stay in Korea another year. of course i am most worried about the amount of class time i have with my kinders and the fact that they have so much stuff to memorize for the Festival...a play, numerous songs with movement or dance, and the introduction skit. luckily these kids are bright and young so memorizing comes easily for most of them.

i do have one student Timothy who has had a very difficult time all year with everything. he is finding it difficult to memorize and i am finding it hard to create time to help him in class with so much going on. i think he is one of those really smart kids who needs other ways to be taught. it is actually because of being a teacher for children like him that has made me really want to get my education degree in alternative ways of teaching. he and i do share a mutual affection for eachother so i hope that despite my lack of understanding for how he learns best, he still feels noble. children equate so much of their worth on how they please those adults that are closest to them.

so, anyway, i am awake and it is nearly 6 a.m. and it is almost time for my alarm to go off. maybe i can go back to sleep until then.

after the melt down

i think the hardest part of getting older is not the getting older part but figuring out how to put everything together. figuring what is it that i want from my life. there are so many things i am drawn to and i hope that by staying in korea i am able to get things more financially balanced but i am also hoping that i am not avoiding answering the BIG questions. it is so comfortable here that it is way too easy to get caught up in living easy. i guess i just want to know that i am doing something with my life that is not only serving me but serving others. although i love teaching and i love my students, it is my job. i have been so used to being of service to others without compensation financially...hey! maybe that is why i am now getting my finances together!!! hmmmmm, i caught myself on that one :)

anyway, it will all be figured out. i chalk up my recent melt down to being human...oh my god, now that can't be!!! :P the big thing now is getting used to praying and reading the Writings everyday. i think that will ultimately be the answer to getting some balance and clarity.

ranting

i think i am beginning to finally face the self doubt that has plagued me most of my life. i am all about wanting to start teaching dance but the more and more i engage in conversation with others, the more i feel like i am not qualified enough. i don't have perfect balance. i can't do like 100 spins at one time. i am not flexible. i don't have a wash board stomach. i am not "sexy". i love latin dancing but my first love is modern and i haven't been able to get any training. needless-to-say, i am feeling pretty shitty at the moment.

hating

i hate it when i see what other people are doing with their lives and i feel like a loser. i hate it when i see an ex who is doing things that i have have wanted to do. i hate it when i see aquaintances with dance companies and connections to big names with big possibilities. i hate it when i see people juggling the family and the dream. i hate it when i realise lack of opportunity and lack of self-esteem are what got me here. i hate it when i feel like my life is just not enough.

Adoption the New Option

I had a very life changing conversation with my mother two days ago. She asked me, out of the blue, how I felt about adoption. I have always wanted to adopt children but had decided I would wait until I was married so that the child would have a father in their life. My mother said for children who have no parents one is better than none. I hadn't really thought about it in that way. She really encouraged me to do it and it is resonating with me. I have always wanted to have children and now I am getting older and it doesn't seem a man will be coming into my life anytime soon. Being a mother sits well with me especially now where I am in my life. The thought of adopting a child and finally being able to be a parent is starting to change how I am approaching things now. It looks like I will be here another year. I spent this past year paying off bills and getting certifide as a salsa instructor. This year is about saving, preparing for grad school, and now researching adoption information.

The idea that where I live in the future revolving around where I want to raise a little person fills me with a sense of purpose. It would be nice to take care of and to love unconditionally.

I feel like this is an answer to my prayers. It is just sitting with me so well, so comfortably and naturally. Years ago I had a dream about my daughter. I could feel her and we talked and I felt so in love with her. I feel sometimes like I am waiting for her and maybe she is the child I adopt. I wrote a poem for her 3 years ago.

To My Daughter

I hold your hand now
because someday you will not want me to.
I hug and kiss you now
because someday you will not be infront of me.
I tuck you into bed now
because someday
you will tuck others into bed.
I tell you I love you now
because I want you to know it
for all of your life.
You visit me in dreams
from which I awaken feeling your warmth and weight.
I tell you these things now
because you are not absent
but waiting to appear.
Someday you will come into my life
in the flesh
and will know that I have always loved you.

My Childhood Friend

When I was a child I had one person I considered to be my best friend, Sultan. He and I met when I was 8 years old and there is not a good memory from my social life as a child that doesn't include him. We grew apart after I went to Maxwell and never really reconnected again. I haven't really spoken to him or seen him in at least 16 years. We were in the same university for a brief time but at that point we were more like aquaintances.

Having said all of this you may or may not understand my surprise when I started having dreams with him in them. They started about 4 or 5 years ago when I arrived in Korea. The nature of the dreams is what has made them hard to ignore. They are all continuations of the last dream. Like an ongoing story. It is almost as if I am watching my life unfold as he is being me. I have been having these dreams every 3 to 4 months. We didn't talk at all in the dreams I had the first 2 years or so. Recently we have started talking. I have had two dreams very close to one another in the past month. The one I had a few days ago has really stuck with me. I think it was a forshadowing of another spiritual struggle.

In this dream I think I was either reading something or remembering something that overwhelms me with sadness. I start crying. Sultan, who had been sitting in another chair on the other side of the table not too close to me, gets up. He takes kleenex from a box in front of him and starts wiping away my tears away saying, "Don't cry. Stop crying. You are strong. You have to be strong. Don't make tears your friend."

I have been thinking about it ever since. Basically, I feel like I have spent the greater part of my adolescent and adult life feeling disconnected spiritually for many reasons. I have never been very happy about this but usually I just become sad about it because I am not sure what to do. I am feeling like the questions are coming around again. How to bridge the gap. It has been the hardest, most intangible, frustrating struggle. This dream basically left me feeling like the only way I can finally be at peace with this is to overcome the problem and to overcome the problem I have to stop becoming depressed about it. In the dream Sultan's voice was gentle but very firm like it wasn't an option to face the test any other way.

I am not sure why my subconcious chose Sultan as the person to “watch” me grow and change. There are a few other people I would have chosen but for some reason this person left an endearing imprint on me as a child, and my spirit feels most comfortable with him.

When I was a child I had one person I considered to be my best friend, Sultan. He and I met when I was 8 years old and there is not a good memory from my social life as a child that doesn't include him. We grew apart after I went to Maxwell and never really reconnected again. I haven't really spoken to him or seen him in at least 16 years. We were in the same university for a brief time but at that point we were more like aquaintances.

Having said all of this you may or may not understand my surprise when I started having dreams with him in them. They started about 4 or 5 years ago when I arrived in Korea. The nature of the dreams is what has made them hard to ignore. They are all continuations of the last dream. Like an ongoing story. It is almost as if I am watching my life unfold as he is being me. I have been having these dreams every 3 to 4 months. We didn't talk at all in the dreams I had the first 2 years or so. Recently we have started talking. I have had two dreams very close to one another in the past month. The one I had a few days ago has really stuck with me. I think it was a forshadowing of another spiritual struggle.

In this dream I think I was either reading something or remembering something that overwhelms me with sadness. I start crying. Sultan, who had been sitting in another chair on the other side of the table not too close to me, gets up. He takes kleenex from a box in front of him and starts wiping away my tears away saying, "Don't cry. Stop crying. You are strong. You have to be strong. Don't make tears your friend."

I have been thinking about it ever since. Basically, I feel like I have spent the greater part of my adolescent and adult life feeling disconnected spiritually for many reasons. I have never been very happy about this but usually I just become sad about it because I am not sure what to do. I am feeling like the questions are coming around again. How to bridge the gap. It has been the hardest, most intangible, frustrating struggle. This dream basically left me feeling like the only way I can finally be at peace with this is to overcome the problem and to overcome the problem I have to stop becoming depressed about it. In the dream Sultan's voice was gentle but very firm like it wasn't an option to face the test any other way.

I am not sure why my subconcious chose Sultan as the person to “watch” me grow and change. There are a few other people I would have chosen but for some reason this person left an endearing imprint on me as a child, and my spirit feels most comfortable with him.

Magic Time

Once a month every female on earth from age 10 to age 50, give or take some years on both ends, is united in a single physical cycle. In everyday English most people call it their period. Some other labels are: Monthly Visitor, Monthly Friend, Courses, the Curse, being on the Rag...mostly Western, American labels. Apparently in Korea the label for this cycle is Magic Time. At first when my friend said this, Magic Time, I scoffed. It doesn't feel like magic when I am bloated, feeling nauseated, my knees feel like they can barely hold me up and I am light headed. But it really made me think. Magic Time. The names given to the menstral cycle usually focus on the end days of the cycle but there are actually alot of days, 12 to 14 to be exact, when there are other things going on.

When I was going through a really bad break up I found that there were times when the night terrors were worse and I was barely able to keep my sanity due to all of the emotional poison I was carrying. It was my mother who called it to my attention that I should start paying attention to my cycle. I realised that my most vulnerable times were right before the end of my cycle. I had never experienced such an obvious connection between my emotional state and the cycle going on inside my body. I was able to prepare myself mentally for the onslaught.

Many people speak of PMS, PreMenstralSyndrome, with disdain and make it the reason that any woman is upset or voices her opinion. "Oh, she must have PMS" "Don't mind her, she is Premenstral". PMS is a curse word to me in that it is a word that allows others to invalidate what I maybe feeling. There is so much mystery, shame, and avoidance of the topic of menstration, I think, because it involves blood. I honestly didn't realise until my mid-20s that I should start taking note of these times.

Magic Time is my new choice of words. It embraces the ENTIRE cycle. I feel more spiritually aware at these times. More aware of where I am weak or vulnerable spiritually. Once a month I can potentially be given a glimpse of my soul. Everything is heighted and takes on a new light. Sometimes the cycle is more intense than others. Like this time is more intense. I can't sleep and my mind is racing. As I am starting to take this a bit more seriously and no longer ignore the sadness I might feel or happiness I might feel, I am able to be more in control of how I interpret what is the reality of the state of my soul. I know that at the end of this Magic Time I am feeling malnourished spiritually so it is time to get an IV going and get myself on a healthier diet.

If you made it through this, espeically if you are a guy, I am grateful. You have just validated one person's human experience which is shared by millions of others.

Midnight Shopping

Dongdemun Stadium. When people say Dongdemun Stadium it is immediately connected to shopping. This stop on the blue line is probably the largest shopping complex in all of Korea. Lots of knock offs, if you know where to look, and lots of haggling, if you know how to do it. Every square inch of the stadium is packed with stalls. Folks selling everything. Fabrics alone occupy at least two floors with stalls so close to each other that you have no idea where one stall ends and the other begins. Street vendors make the already minimal sidewalks even more narrow. They are selling everything from jewlery, to fish cakes on a stick, to boiled worm larva, handbags, shoes, scarves, t-shirts and much more.

This place is HELLISH to go to during the day. Imagine thousands, if not close to a million, people trying to shop in one area. I have been there at times where I am carried forward in a jammed packed sea of people. People run into you, bump into you, push you, elbow you while you are trying to walk on the narrow, uneven sidewalk. Needless-to-say, I hate going to Dongdemun Stadium during the day. I am also so overwhelmed by the people and the stalls with all of the things to buy. I usually avoid the place but my close friend Kathleen came to visit and wanted to go jeans shopping so we went to Dongdemun at midnight. A very good choice. There were far less people but also still busy.

It is hard to describe Korean fashion. Alot of frills, lace, bows, dangling items, wierd combinations of English words on oddly designed t-shirts, glitter, ruffles. When I first came to Korea my first impression of shopping was a huge second hand store but with mostly grandma looking clothes. I am a clean lines, simple yet elegant type so it is hard for me to find anything I like here, unless I spend ALOT of money.

It is really difficult to find pants or jeans here especially for foreign women. Apparently it is hard to find bras too. Korean women tend to not have much shape to them. So when my friend Kathleen tried on two pairs of jeans last night one pair had too much going on and another pair would go over her thighs and butt but were loose around her waist. The interesting thing too is that these were stalls without fitting rooms. To try on jeans or in my case, a pair of slacks, the shop keeper gave me a long skirt to put on over my pants. I take off my pants and try on the others under the cover of the skirt. Remember there are people walking around the entire time while you partially disrobe yourself. It is a little odd I must admit but part of the experience of shopping.

Kathleen told me as we left that one of the shop keepers was staring at my butt the whole time! As I said, Korean women ,for the most part, are pretty narrow so I do get stared at sometimes because I am not.

I am not a fan of shopping. I like to find what I want and leave. I bought a couple of things I needed last night in the relative comfort that midnight shopping offers. Kathleen didn't find what she wanted so today we wgo to Itaewon for brunch and jeans shopping!!!!

am i spoiled?

maybe i am spoiled but my MP3 player is not working and i am REALLY bothered cuz the soundtrack of my life is on that little thing and now i can't listen to it on my LONG rides on the bus or subway!!!

The Receiving End of Xenophobia

Xenophobia- An unreasonable fear, distrust, or hatred of strangers, foreigners, or anything perceived as foreign or different.

it ranges from the seemingly harmless (passive aggressive behavior) to outright rudeness. young women giggling nervously and running to find someone else to take your order, on a crowded bus or in a crowded subway car people would rather stand than sit next to you(which has its perks), or not being able to get a taxi.

tonight i had a dance class. when the teachers called for people to partner up i was ready for the usual display of guys avoiding me. tonight was particularly different because one guy looked straight at me and then partnered with his buddy, another guy. when the teacher asked one of them to partner with me, he grudgly did so. i almost told him i didn't want to dance with him, when relief came over his face as another korean girl was available. he told the teacher he already had a partner. the teachers were almost pulling teeth trying to find someone to partner with me. the air was charged with discomfort as the guys and the ladies looked at me because no one wanted to partner with me. when it became apparent that no one would and there were two guys less than ladies, i was relieved. relieved because i wouldn't have to tolerate dancing with a guy who was so nervous and scared that he could barely move and would continually say, "sorry".

in essence i was lucky because i got to dance with the teacher and he is a phenomenal dancer. i think to try to make me more comfortable, which it didn't, the teachers later called for partner changing. i ended up dancing with scared, nervous guys who couldn't lead well because they were so worried about dancing with a foreigner.

this has been the behaviour of many folks the entire time i have been here and i usually have overlooked it because i realise this culture has been closed for a long time. i think tonight got to me because i was really put on the spot. i may as well have had a glaring light on me. it was almost like being back in school and you are the last one to get picked on the team...yet this was worse because it wasn't because i lacked the ability, it was because of how i look.

luckily i have been here long enough to see the sparkles of light...people who will go out of their way to make sure i get on the right bus, grandmothers smiling and saying, "Epahyo" (beautiful), the woman who owns a shop in Camille and Iyabo's area who rushes to her door to smile and say "Anyounghaseyo!!!" (Hello), Sopia my friend turned sister, and all of the sincere, unique Korean young people i have had the opportunity to meet who show me that there is hope and no, one cannot generalize.

Deja Vu Moments

i have been having lots of deja vu moments lately. i don't know what it is. i keep being in places and seeing interactions that i feel i have been apart of in my dreams. very strange. i am beginning to realise that maybe i am not meant to move back to the States soon if not ever. i have to start thinking about long-term planning. i have been going from year to year since i have been in Korea. some projects and events take a year just to develop and implement for test runs. i am trying to work out the graduate school aspect though. i already know that i would not be disciplined enough to do it online but it just doesn't seem that i will get to the States long enough to see it happen.

the thing about living in Korea is that it is so easy to find your niche once you know what you want. there are so many things that are still "new" here and there is also the incredible numbers of foreigners here from all over the world...especially in Seoul. services are relatively cheap when compared to the States so it doesn't break a person's wallet to take dance classes or even to go skiing/snowboarding. there is a synergy happening in my life at the moment. a combination of individuals who are all on the same "wave length" i guess you could say. there definitly is an energy being created by our friendships.

this is something for me to pray on more. i have gotten answered prayers consistently, yes and no, so i know that it works. i have set in motion already applying for graduate school so i am not going to put it off. maybe by next year i can go back to the States for a year to get the Masters. we'll see.

Answered Prayer

Without a doubt I have great hopes for this year. During my vacation last week I said a prayer that was answered 30 minutes after I said it. I will have to post this prayer on my blog for any folks who want to use it. It is a prayer for prosperity with the hopes of serving mankind. It is called "The Prayer for Jabaz" and can actually be found in the Bible. It was a prayer given to me years ago by a beautiful, wise and fierce woman. I haven't said it often but everytime I have, the prayer was answered. I notice that when I say it without any intention and with openess to the Will of God, I get what I need. I will be starting a new job in March that is a major salary increase, with less time, opportunities to seek other forms of income, three months of paid vacation and my Korean sister asked me to be her roommate at minimal cost to me.

I am beginning to really think about what more I can do now that I will have the time and the finances. I feel like God has made it abundantly clear that this is where He wants me to be. I am trying to figure out graduate school. I want to do it in the States but it seems that going back for any length of time just isn't in the Plan. I have planned to go back to the States a few times during the years I have been here but everytime I pray with God's Will as my guide, I end up staying here.

I am also involved as a tutor in a DYNAMIC study circle group! I will have to write more about that one at another time cuz it calls for special attention. By staying here I get to continue with this group which is a direct service to the Baha'i community here.

So I will be back in the States for a month in August. I imagine it will be a crazy time for visiting those dear to my heart, getting essentials I can't find here, and getting my full of soul food and Substation II.

Writing in Voice

I have no clue why I don't write for long stretches of time. I have found that I have less and less brain power to do everything I want to be doing. I think I also am realising that just am not a die hard computer person. I have to have human contact. Writing in blogs doesn't give me that. I realize that if I write consistently I MIGHT get readership but as I said, I am not a die hard computer person. Plus, my life is not nearly as interesting as the lives of some of the folks who keep blogs. I mean, people make MONEY at this, which is pretty cool.

Anyway, yes, I haven't written for awhile. This is my "serious" blog and I want to be able to have the time to write when I do write. Like now, I really don't need to be doing this. I should be in the shower!

Maybe I will copy and past a post from MySpace....I have TONS of friends on that site and I am lucky if ANYONE reads or responds to a post...yeah, my life must be pretty boring. Look at me, I am writing as if someone will read this!!! :)