Meeting Mike- An "old friend"

Okay, I met a guy tonight that I haven't seen in years. The last time I saw him was 4 years ago...maybe more...he came to Myrtle Beach with my sister and we hung out a bit. It was the first and last time I saw him. My sister told me later that he really liked me. Well, I didn't think much of it because he is so much younger than me. I thought that time would take care of it.

When I got back home after being gone for awhile, my sister informed me that not only was he still here, but that he still liked me. I must say that I was suprised and that I also was a bit intrigued. Tonight I saw him again after years. We immediately began to talk. It was like I was talking with an old friend. I think we could have talked all night. The thing is that this isn't uncommon for me. I have quite a few people in my life that I connected with as friends very quickly..men and women. The only thing that sets this apart is that I knew beforehand that he liked me in a romantic way.

As I think about it now, I sensed that he sees in me things he would like to do. I have travelled alot and he seems to admire the things I have done. He wants to travel. He isn't averse to trying new things. He is very open minded. He has a sincere kindness about him. He also seems like an old soul in a young body. This is what I saw.

Looking at my own past, I have learned that most of the guys I have ever been involved with have an idea in their heads as to who I am or what I am like. Usually it isn't a 3-D version. I am not sure what he has going on in his head. I am older and a bit more aware of myself and I think that maybe part of why a young guy might be interested in me. In the past, the type of guys I have been involved with, regardless of their age, weren't very mature emotionally. We may connect intellectually and there may have been chemistry but when it comes down to it, there is just too much emotional dysfunction. I keep being attracted to these types of men. I know it has been because of my own lack of a healthy emotional life but things have changed now. In the past I would meet guys who liked me but who didn't know me. Things would move much too fast and he would realise that I am not the person he had created in his head. I have to be very careful.

Here I am again but so much wiser. In the past I would have taken this little morsel of attention and run wild with it. I mean, the guy hasn't said anything to me and hasn't even approached me to go out on a date. I have been home almost a month. He knows how to contact me. For me, age has little to do with it. It's the person's character and where they are in their journey toward maturity. I don't know this guy well enough to be able to come to any significant conclusion. I do know that I am not going to pursue anything...not like I would have in the past. If he is interested he can make the effort otherwise when I see him, I see him.

2005

I just got home from an outdoor New Year's party in the back woods of Florence, South Carolina. The sky was very clear and it was cool out. I must say that it was like having another cultural experience to be hanging out with people who are use to doing this. I mean, basically all there was to do was drink alcohol and talk. I don't drink so I did alot of talking, mostly with one person. I am used to going to parties where there is a bit more to do but it was all good. Everyone was kind and I laughed alot. Now I am really tired. Hopefully I will go to Columbia later this morning to visit my friends there.

Corey Spears

My best friend from 5th grade saw my sister today at her job. He bought a computer from her and then recognized her name. He asked her is she was my sister and they got to talking.

I haven't seen him since he came back for a short time when I was in 8th grade. We didn't talk much but I remember all the girls going crazy about a week before he got here. He was a very handsome guy...even in 8th grade. There were a couple of girls who helped in the office and had his class schedule. Of course it was the "popular girls" but he impressed me when he finally got to Southside Middle School and wasn't interested. He and I never really talked again. I am not sure why but I moved and never went back to the elementary school where we were friends and he had left town. I don't remember why he moved. So when he came to Southside I got the feeling that even though we were best friends in 5th grade something had happened in the years between and we never really reconnected. I was kind of sad about that. Maybe in my mind I felt like we were best friends but to him it wasn't the same..which is completely possible. I have a tendancy to put alot of importance into interactions with people that I have experienced something significant with. He was probably the first friend I had that I ever told about my abusive father. I don't really remember everything that happened but for me it was very significant.

Oh well, my sister didn't give him my number and I have no idea how to get in contact with him. I guess there are just some people in life whose paths you are not meant to ever cross again.

A Strange One

I just changed the name of my blog...why am I so happy?

My sister asks, "Adalia, are you going to be productive today?"

Okay, as the days progress a vision is developing.

Plan A: Get into Nork York City Teaching Fellows program. Move to New York. Live there for 3 years while working and going to school. Finish with teaching experience and a Masters degree. SWEET!! I should find out in a month or so if I made it through the interview.

In the event that Plan A is flops move to....

Plan B: Apply to programs similar to the one in New York (ie UMASS program) and to universities with masters in education with focuses that I am drawn to ( ie Harvard or Columbia College) Wait to find out if I am accepted. If I am accepted I won't be able to start until Fall 2006...ARGH!!! another year of....

....waiting...while waiting for Plan B to come to fruition, start now toward....

Plan C: Use the time I have between now and May. (Target date: May 15, 2005 my brother's graduation) Work a part-time job. Save money. Get my financial issues under control. Take an online TEFL Certification course with the possiblity of pursuing a diploma. Look into jobs overseas. I have no inclination to stay here in America another year unless I am studying for my Masters degree. If I can find an EFL job here in America, I'll think about staying but if not...ANYOUNGIKASEYO!!! Look into the possibilities mentioned in Plan B. Study for and take the GRE. Start working out. Take a pilates class. I may have to get another job to make my financial commitments but all I have is time right now...and it's meant to be productive...so let's be PRODUCTIVE.

What 2 Do?

I don't feel like I will be accepted into the program in New York. I felt completely inadequate and unprepared. Talking with my mon today we decided that if I am not accepted I will apply to other universities and similar programs for next year. I know that if I am accepted than I am meant to be there. I thought I was until I walked into the building and all these people began arriving.

I like the fact that my mom is so supportive. I also like the fact that I was given this window of time to get myself together. To get things on track. It seems odd that I would have so much time on my hands. I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. I can think of a million things.

I am pretty sure that I will start tutoring some Ruhi classes. I am also looking at getting into a fitness club...doing some exercising...taking pilates. I will only be working part time so I have so much time in the morning. I will also be looking at doing some volunteer work. We'll see.

New York~ Reconnecting

Monday was my first day here. It was so cold. I think the temperature dropped dramatically that day. I met Kwang-hee in Manhattan. I was so happy to see him. We went to a Korean restaurant for dinner...kimchi jigae and doenjon jigae...hmmmmm so yummy. After dinner we walked a REALLY long time through CRAZY cold weather to meet up with Dong-wan. We stopped by a store for him to buy jeans. I was so impressed not only by his English but more so by the way he interacted with the people in the store. He was so kind and warm. He seemed at home. (Kwang-hee is a friend of mine from Korea who is visiting America for the first time.) He was not afraid to talk with people. I was so impressed. Dong-wan and my friend Jen met us at Starbuck's. I was so happy to see Dong-wan that I almost hugged him. I hadn't seen Jen for three years and she was so beautiful. What has really struck me though is that I am the same person with all of them. I felt so much stronger the authenticity of my friendships with these very different people. My heart felt so full.

Then yesterday I was able to spend time with my childhood friend Artemus. He is like a big brother to me. Ahhhhh...it felt like being at home. To see after all these years that we can still talk and that the true nature of our friendship is still there and strong. I am so happy. Reconnecting has been beautiful.

New York~THE INTERVIEW

Being in New York has been a good experience. I went to my interview for New York Teaching Fellows on Wensday. I went there feeling so confident but then as the interview got underway I felt less and less confident. I am not sure what it was. I wish now that I had prayed for strength and centeredness before I got there. There were about 25~30 people there and we were split into different groups for our interviews. Everyone was really nice and it was comfortable but I felt very unprepared. I just don't think I was mentally prepared for it. I was so busy just getting here and to the interview location that I really didn't think about the interview itself.

We'll see what happens. I have definitly learned my lesson. For the next interview I will try to prepare myself more mentally and spiritually. I should hear back in a month or so.

Oh, How Things Come Together

yeap...I have got to come to accept that things in my life come together when and where they are supposed to. I have been worried about not having money or a job for a few weeks now. I was really worried. I started having feelings of anxiety and that had not happened in a long time. I kept telling myself to be patient, to keep praying, and to know that things will happen in their own time. Well, I got to Florence and in less than 24 hours I got a job. The PERFECT job!!! I am so amazed and grateful. It is part-time but I think I will make enough to take care of bills and be able to save. The hours are perfect and as of right now I have the weekends off. I think it will stay that way. Maybe now is the time to do study circles at my mom's place. We'll see.

It is such a battle for me to allow for God to take care of things. I have to keep perserving and then He will guide me to what is best for me. So now, I am going to stay in Florence at my mom's with my sister. I keep remembering this incredible dream I had years ago. It was a dream about my life's journey... alone. It came full circle and in the end I was with my sister and we were jumping off into life together. I am trying to be aware that none of what is and has happened in my life is guided by me. I hopefully am learning to perceive things and to make the right choices but God is placing these things in front of my eyes.

At the Ole' Uni

It is wierd. I am back on my university campus...Coastal Carolina University. Everything feels so familiar and unchanged. Yes, there are new buildings, new staff, new students but the atmosphere is the same. A warmth and unpretentiousness that seems to characterise so many southern places. I am sitting in the library using the internet. I remember the hours I spent here researching, studying alone and "studying" with friends.

I really did enjoy my time in university. There is no doubt about it. I don't have a single negative memory of this place.

I came to Myrtle Beach last night to see friends that I haven't seen in two years. I surprised everyone. They had no idea I was coming! Yeah, I have had a wonderful time reconnecting with people. My best friends, a wife and husband combo, were the most shocked and I had the best time with them. Their two children are so beautiful and I love that I came into their home and nothing much had changed. Not the essential things at least.

Thinking Time

My mom and I drove from Delray Beach, FL to Florence, SC....two small towns with not much to do. The drive was cathartic...like driving used to be. We went up I-95 all the way. No bad traffic. No crazy drivers. Just open road and alot of time to think. Being home at my mom's house finally is so good. Things are familiar here. I know my way around. I got to see my sister. Today I will go to Myrtle Beach. Check out the registar's office at my university and go visit friends. No body knows I am coming. Don't have any numbers but I know people like that. I can just drop in and after two years of not seeing each other, and know it won't be a problem.

Yeah...lots of thinking time.

A Heavy Heart

Tonight I received a full on over-exposure to America's underbelly. It seemed that everything wrong and beautiful about this country was wrapped up in a couple of hours of coffee shop talk. Maybe everything wrong and beautiful about me too. I was told once by a fortune teller in Korea that I was highly spiritual. That I pick up on many things. I didn't need him to tell me this. I have been this way all of my life. It was nice to know that an absolute stranger with a "gift" was able to see it...to confirm my own suspicions. That I have been living at odds with myself for a long time. But that is completely off the point. The point is that I got an overload tonight. My last night here in Delray Beach. Sitting in a coffee shop on the corner of Swinton and some numbered avenue, I saw reality unfold. Before me sat a beautiful man of great intelligence...unlimited potential. I saw him and felt drawn to him. Maybe now I realise that it is the saviour role that I am so used to playing that drew me to him. Before me sat a beautiful woman, my wise cousin in all of her brightness. I connected with her immediately after 30 years of never meeting. A connection born of realness only developed after hardships that we chose not to define our lives. A table of 5 people all having various conversations. I kept looking at my beautiful dark friend...wishing that he could see himself. He emanates self-hatred and it hurt me. More than his words jusifying the killing of millions of people by the Europeans, simply because the tribes of America already were at war...the Europeans were only stronger. Survival of the fittest. Not even his words touched my heart, just that his inability to see his own beauty made it impossible to see the beauty in others. I knew that I had to leave. That I was going to step into the saviour role and I didn't want to be there. He didn't want me there. I saw him become uncomfortable with me. Maybe he could see the concern...the hope...the battle. I don't know. My cousin opening my eyes to the fact that some white people are realizing that the American society was created to benefit them. That some are seeing it and are taking steps to change things. She understood when I spoke of the fact that we could sit in DaDa's and have this "debate" but if most black people lived the life that many of the recovering white people had lived, most of them would be in jail or dead...not sitting in some coffee shop discussing the war in Iraq and whether it is okay to help other countries in need.

Suddenly I understood the universiality of pain. Truly, no one has the corner on "Han". That deep, inexplicable pain that dances in the eyes of so many people. Whether it is the starving child in Africa for whom a vulture patiently waits for to die or the recovering heroine addict, who is soul starved, whose very life lies in his own hands...there is a pain there that digs into me. It is knowing that I cannot save either one. Yes, I could feed a starving child but to save a nation of starving children requires a change of heart in a nation of starving souls. Yes, I could befriend and love the recovering heroine addict, but ultimately it is a battle he must win alone.

There is a desire in me to take away the pain. To not watch him hurt but it is his pain...his hurt...that he must decide what to do with. I have had my own pains and hurts. No one came to save me. I had to ask God to show me how to save me. I am stronger because of it. He has the chance to become stronger too but it is his own choice...only he can make it.

I see my weakness. It is the fact that I do not believe that people can handle their struggles. I belittle them...condescend them. They would not be having the test if they could not handle it. That humanity will not continue to turn it's eyes away from the suffering of brothers, sisters, daugters, sons...I have to trust. I have to decide to live my life in such a way that it contributes to the slow change taking place. I have to believe that people are strong and can pull through.

"Let's Be Friends"

Why is it that I continue to meet really cool, attractive, compatible guys the week before I have to leave a place? My mom says that I make friends very easily. Well, maybe she is right but can I just say that I have enough friends? I met a guy here in Florida. He is someone I would love to get to know better and spend time with but I am leaving soon. We had the preliminary conversation that establishes the interests of each person and what they expect from a relationship...completely casual of course. Now that I know and he knows that I am leaving soon I can feel the both of us backing off. What else can you say? He won't be leaving Florida anytime soon and I am hoping to end up in NYC for a few years. Oh well, he is another rung up on the ladder that is going to the PERFECT guy. He is somewhere WAAAAAYYYY up there and I think I might have to die before I can meet him. I met a guy in Korea, literally a week before I left. Man, he danced, was intelligent, a gentleman, 32 years old, and spoke 3 languages. I crazy missed him the first couple of weeks I was here but we had decided to be friends. GREAT!!!

Day 2: Desire and Confide

...turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee.

Desire, in this context, means: To wish or long for; want
Confide, in this context, means: To put faith (in); to repose confidence; to trust; -- usually followed by in; as, the prince confides in his ministers.

Justice is such an important principle that if a person desires God, 2 B closer to Him, they cannot turn a blind eye to injustice. If a person wants to be worthy to receive the ability to perceive things, he cannot leave justice alone, God will confide in him those hidden mysteries.

For any person who is striving to live a God centered life, if justice is not a part of that life, they will not reach their goal. We will see later why this would be so.

I Have New Friends

I have been going to AA with my cousin for the past three weeks. I know it may sound strange coming from someone who has never drank but I am learning so much from listening and being supportive. I have met some pretty cool people and have hung out with different people in different settings. It's funny...I usually go to coffee houses with my Baha'i friends because they don't drink and now I will be going to a coffee shop with friends who are alcoholics in recovery. Yes, life has this way of giving a person loads of opportunities to grow and come to accept everyone for their humaness.

Going to New York..where dreams come true!!

Life is beginning to come together in short quick bursts. When I finally wrote my personal statement for the New York City Teaching Fellows I received an invitation to interview...not two weeks later but 4 days later. So now I will be off to New York to interview for the masters/teaching program. I am really excited. I got in touch with an aquaintance who is currently in the program. I wasn't prepared for it to be easy and he basically confirmed it for me. Unruly classes, little to no administrative support, supplies have to be bought by the teacher, class sizes of 30, kids at different levels of ability...ahhhh, heaven!

Day 1: Best Beloved

O SON OF SPIRIT! The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice

....it is interesting how the person reading this is addressed...O Son Of Spirit...already there is the understanding that at the core of us we are spiritual. That our true essence is spirit. Son is usually the title given to male offspring but in this context...son is a general term applying also to females. So we are the offspring of spirit. Pretty cool considering that most of the time it seems that humanity continues to behave as if there is no spiritual reality.

...The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice... ahhh, there is that word love, nicely placed between be and d. Something that is beloved has a special place in your heart. Usually we use it to refer to a person but in this context it is a spiritual principle that is beloved. Not only is it beloved but it is the best. In the sight or eyes of God...when He looks into the hearts of His creations or into the world and the choices we make, He loves to see Justice. To see us treating one another justly...treating ourselves justly. Further on in the passage there is a definition of justice presented. It is for more beautiful and understandable than the justice that many of us imagine.

Taking a Look at Justice-One Day at a Time

To me justice is one of those prinicples that has received a bumm rap. When a person says "justice" usually thoughts of violent punishment or outright vengence comes to mind. Justice usually brings to mind an unmerciful punisher with fire in his or her eyes whose vexation inspires trembling fear.

To me justice also gets a bumm rap because people see so little of it in the world that they have become skeptical. Justice has become an elusive ghost in the minds of some. A fairy tale story told to assuage the minds of the oppressed. Justice...it will be done in the Great Beyond...just not here on earth. If you are patient and wait, justice will eventually have its day.

Yet, without justice there will be no balance in the world. No sense of well-being and security. Like with any other element lacking in society, justice is home grown. Yep, that's right, it takes root in the individual, then the family, then the community, then the nation....and so on.

People have some VERY different understandings about justice and what it means to be just. In my mind there are two types of justice: justice that is carried out by the governing institutions and then personal justice (not vigilant stuff-I mean internal...how one allows themself to be treated based on their own self-image.) Both types require wisdom and the ability to be objective.

I like the following passage from the Baha'i Writings about justice. I think I will take a sentence or a phrase and break it down...one a day until I am done. Yeah...that would be cool.

O SON OF SPIRIT! The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.
(Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words) The Baha'i Faith

Why Am I Awake?

i have no idea why i am awake so early. i went to bed at 1:00am. my mind is really restless...i want to sleep! Maybe it is because i am hungry...bowl of cereal...back to bed!

I Hope You Dance...

...and she did. She danced all the way into the birth of the sun. She danced all the way into the Land of Morning Calm. She danced with light feet, aching legs, and a joyous heart. She danced to- ba ba baa baba ba ba baa baba and uh uh uhuh uh uh uhuh and dodo dodo dodo dodo. She danced-no one could stop her. She danced with someone. She danced alone. She danced loving the God within her. She danced loving God.

The Reason=Hobostank(#8)

Listen to the song and you will understand all I am about to write.

For anyone who experiences a heart broken beyond repair...so broken that they have to start from the beginning...pick up the pieces and rebuild there is a miracle that is rarely witnessed. I have been fortunate to have been blessed not once but twice with the same miracle...my mother and my ex. It is when the person that has hurt you most says to you, "I am sorry for what I did. You didn't deserve it. I take responsibility for what I did to turn your life upside down."

I got an email from my ex. I never thought I'd get it but I did. It's a miracle. I had to put on Hobostank and play the song again and again just to hear the words....

The Poem That Changed It All

Who is this person I feel me becoming?
I feel a certainty that I have never felt.
I feel a centeredness that is so new.
Is it maturing?
Is it being caught between time zones,
heartbeats?
I feel ready to talk to God.
I feel okay with taking the next leap.
It feels natural.
I have stopped questioning everything.
Some questions are not meant to be answered with the mind
but by living life.
I am at peace with you Jesse.
I never thought I'd get here
but here I am.
I am at peace with all things.
It is a peace that is full
and complete.
It has entered all of my limbs,
reached my soul
and calmed the storms.
Who is this person I feel me becoming?

~Adalia

first time user frustration

want to start posting my poetry under my other blog...Adalia's Poetry....but for some reason i can't get it to open...ARRRRGGHHH!!!

i woke up this morning with something on my mind. i hadn't had an anxiety dream in a long time and i did last night....not a good sign. there seems to be an invisible hand in amercia that just applies pressure, ever so slightly, until one day you find yourself worried about everything. i don't like the weight of living here. i am trying to hold onto what i felt when i left korea...a contentment....peace.

Being Named

I have been given various names throughout my short life. Each name describes a part of my character as seen by other people...except for Jeong-Eui. Let's see....I am Adalia-noble one/justice as named by my parents. I am Shingai-Be brave and of good courage as named by a television host in Zimbabwe who interviewed me. I am Oshupah-One with light in her eyes as named by a medicine man from a Native American tribe near Mrytle Beach South Carolina....I was the television host that time. I am Jeong-Eui-Justice as named by me because it is the Korean translation of Justice...one of the meanings of Adalia. So I came full circle...back to the name of my birth. What I have difficulty with is letting go of any of these names because they all describe me...but that would be a helluva long name to put on forms... Adalia Bahiyyih Shingai Oshupah Jeong-Eui Ellis...and if I got married and hyphenated that, I'd be sayin my name for days...so I am simply Adalia. I think that captures all of me.