Getting Healed

I am beginning to feel that energy again. The energy I felt when I first came to Korea. Like I am on a path and I know that it is the right one. I had a phone therapy/conversation which really has helped me to finally be able to pin-point the original pain and what causes the anxiety I was feeling in the mornings...which in turn brought about the exhaustion which then shows itself in impatience. Now I have some idea of what that last sliver from the past was and now I am being able to heal completely, a day at a time.

I keep writing about this as if anyone who is reading this has any idea where all of this is originating from. Well, as a child I was sexually abused for years and at the age of 7 I had to tell one of the people abusing me to stop. I had gone to all of the adults that I thought would protect me and no one had done anything. So for the longest time I have been carrying all of the scars that abused children carry and when I got much older, in college and experienced my first heartbreak I began to start therapy. So for about 10 years I have been going to therapy chipping away at the past and the pain. The thing that finally put me on this current path of doggedly pursuing freedom from the scars was the end of another relationship that was particularly traumatic.

So being in Korea has been such a blessing. I feel like God gently guided me into adulthood and I am finally being able to learn to love Him with full trust. It is a process. The abuse effected how I viewed myself in connection to God and this is the last part that I am in the process of changing now. It is a confusing thing to explain...the many different levels that abuse violates individuals...particularly children. The way children approach such things is a world apart from an adult. Alot of what many abuse survivors are dealing with is self-blame, guilt, shame, sense of responsibility for what happened to them. It makes so sense to an adult brain but for a child, in their many different stages, they take everything in and it is personal. For children they have to be be protected, feel protected and whether we like it or not, parents are like God to children until they are able to conceptualize the difference. I love the line in a movie called 'The Crow' when the main character tells a neglectful mother, "Mother is the name for God on the lips of all children". When I didn't feel protected by my parents I connected that abandonment to God also. Of course as an adult now I have a different relationship with my parents and I have been able to come to a place of peace with the both of them in very different ways. This was so important for me to be where I am now.

Deep huh? It really makes one think more seriously about parenting. I read a book once entitled "The Drama of the Gifted Child", I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand the direct link to their own healing and being a healthy parent and partner. It is an incredible book. Very short but powerful.

So, I am happier now. I am finally getting to the root of everything and it feels good. It feels real good!