A Jumping Off Point

I have been having a bit of a struggle lately. Actually, it is the same struggle I have had for years but it seems that it has reached a point where I need to take the necessary steps. I talked with Louis and Corinne about it. I feel as if I am in limbo spiritually. I feel like I am at a jumping off point. For years I felt like I had it down. I was very involved in the Baha'i Community, had tons of Baha'i friends, and was always serving. I felt so centered. Then I was thrown off my center and although I have been able to rebuild in some areas, rebuilding spiritually has been tough. I realised in Korea that it was just me. Not that there was no Baha'i community, there was, but I had to feel it within myself. I have moved from youth to adult. I am at a new place spiritually. Now I am trying to understand where I am and how to move to the next stage.

I am home and I don't want to be involved in anything and I am also trying to maneuver myself through this new friendship/relationship...actually this has really forced me to start looking at myself. **** is not a Baha'i and it is not a necessity that he becomes a Baha'i. I have also learned that it doesn't matter to me if the guy is a Baha'i or not. For the first time I have met someone who, at the core of our friendship, there is mutual respect, similar values, and authenticity. I am realising as I write this that this has always been my struggle with men. When I was getting to know Baha'i guys, being a Baha'i wasn't an issue but being myself was. Now I am able to be myself but I am uncertain about how much of the Baha'i I bring into it. The truth is that the two are not seperate. They are one in the same with me. I cannot seperate the two. The struggle has always been, and I don't know where or how I learned this, if I am fully myself, Baha'i and all, with my insecurities and faults, that I will always be alone. So it has very little to do with **** and everything to do with me. I have come to really value him because he is the first guy I have ever gotten to know that has given me permission to be who I am, Baha'i and all...it is wierd that I use the word "permission" but it is the only word that comes to mind...I guess another word is that I feel "seen" by him...that he is a witness to who I am becoming and seems pretty cool with it. I just have to come to a place of peace within myself.