Free Writing

at night i cannot sleep for fears i do not know seem to follow me. maybe it is all the words that run in my mind. maybe i am lonely. i am a writer and i cannot find words and i am afraid to write words. my voice is so quiet replacing the once strong, loud voice of my youth. without hesitation. without thought. maybe it is knowing that i do not want to marry you. maybe it is truth that keeps me awake. maybe it is knowing that you are not the man. we lack an energy. a connection. you not yet a man. me not yet spiritually disciplined. something is not right. something is very wrong. i fear that i have led you on. i have been feeling this for some time. i have told you. i have not been untruthful. once again i was worried more about how you reacted than what was best for me. for you. maybe things will become clearer. maybe after some time apart i will be able to see more clearly. maybe i will be able to see that it is not you but me. maybe some fear i have that keeps me awake at night. some unknown fear not even connected to you.