What to do?

Spring is offically here...pollen, flowers, sunshine and all. I went through my winter clothes, putting what I had taken out of the suitcase back into it and pulled out the summer clothes. I must say that I the thought of the sun on my skin made my stomach jump. I am truly a child of summer.

I met both of ****'s parents this past weekend. I like them both..his father in particular. He was a sweet and funny man. His mother has very kind eyes and a gentle disposition. I get the impression that one wouldn't want to cross them. We have been working on getting our materials together to send to Korea. I am going over to his house this evening to start sending our paper work off.

I had a disturbing dream a couple of nights ago. It was disturbing because of the emotions that it evoked. **** was in the dream but it wasn't about him. So many of the feelings I felt after the last botched relationship attempt lingered with me all day after I woke up. I think I am at a wierd place with ****. I can't put my finger on it. It isn't a bad thing but for the first time I really am having to let go. This is very difficult for me. In the past I always wanted to be a step ahead...in control so I wouldn't get hurt...but ultimately I was hurt beyond anything I could imagine. But it was what I was used to. It was predictable. This isn't. I cannot lie I am very scared. I think the dream was all about fear. Not fear of being in a relationship with **** but fear of newness. Fear of growth. Fear that even if I do all the right things I can still end up hurt.

The big thing is that we have decided to take out the physical aspects of the relationship. Although I am a Baha'i and chastity is one of the laws of my religion, I haven't been very good at keeping that law. I never learned how to be in a relationship with a male without the physical being involved. It all started when I was a toddler and didn't understand that aspect of myself. The abuse happened for years. Now I am at a stage in my life where I have to change what was learned and it is proving to be very difficult. Not that I have been involved in numerous relationships that involved physical interaction...but I learn from everything...I don't need to have a multitude of botched up relationships to be able to figure out what the pattern is.

It is hard to explain the effects of abuse and what is learned as a child. I don't remember being hugged or cuddled by my parents. I don't think I had a good frame of reference for what was acceptable physical attention and what wasn't...so as I got older I just didn't really allow anyone to touch me. I lived most of my teenage years and my early 20's completely closed off. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 19 or 20. There was a part of me that didn't want to deal with the past so avoiding romantic relationships was my solution. At this point in my life this isn't helpful...unless I want to remain single forever...and I must admit that sometimes that looks very inviting...only when I am feeling sorry for myself or selfish.

So, now, I am actually involved with a man and he is saying and doing all the things that I think I should be able to. I am trying to figure out how to set boundaries without putting up walls. I am used to putting up walls. What to do? What to do?