Falling Hard

i swear to God i haven't had such a hard time getting over a person in a long time. for the first time ever it isn't because anyone did anything wrong, the timing just isn't right. it is funny, since i don't have anything to be angry about it is hard for me to cut stuff off. i think i can say with full confidence that i was falling in love with this guy...like really. and it was the first time i didn't have to stop being Adalia to do it. i think for the first time i really loved a person and i was completely all there. there was something beautiful and affirming about that. having to distance myself has been so painful. and it is deep. there is something inside of me that just isn't understanding how it is that two people can discover each other, see that they have what the other wants, complement eachother, and be completely themselves with one another and not be together...at least taking the opportunity to know each other better. i wish i hadn't started to fall in love with him. i wish i had used my head and not my heart. i wish i had done a better job of taking care of myself. i guess i can now and i am. it has been tiring the mental process i am undertaking. the process of changing how i think on a fundamental level. the efforts at living in the present moment are really taxing. i know that i am growing and changing but it has been so very hard. i have had to be vigilant about being careful about how talk to myself, what thoughts i let form in my head that can either cause me pain or happiness is a drain on my energy, and also missing him...feeling the constant ache of his absence and distance physically, mentally, and emotionally.i just start crying sometimes because the feeling overwhelms me but this is happening less and less these days. i have to be patient. i have to learn the lesson. i have to embrace the pain that is found in grief so that i can let go.