Breaking It Down

i am feeling the need to chronicle this growth i am experiencing. i think it is very significant. today i went to the River Walk in Conway and wrote. this morning i talked with Aliyyah about how much i miss him and that i find it hard to focus on what is the real issue, this truth that i contructed as a child. she offered some very good insight:
1) it is not an organic process. it is purposeful and feels unnatural. i have to be constantly aware of how i am thinking. i have to be constantly aware of how to change it.
2) break it dowm into small bits. i become overwhelemed when i see it as one big challenge. by breaking this "truth" down into smaller pieces i am able to work on them in managable ways.
so, i went to the River Walk to gather my thoughts. it was a beautiful sunny,warm Fall day. the leaves are changing. there was a quiet around me and the words came out. i wrote on the page the components of my old truth...the ancient saddness that i feel was passed down to me...
1) Heavy emphasis on creating unrealistic standards for myself and becoming depressed when i don't reach them
2) Heavy emphasis on creating in my mind unrealistic scenarios and then becoming attached to them so when things don't "work out" i am deeply affected
3) BELIEFS:
~ I am not lovable
~ I am meant to be alone
~ I am meant to do things alone
~ My needs are not important
~ There is something inherently wrong with me

i will be looking at these components separately so that i can address each one easier. i think, though, that by deconstructing some of them i will deconstruct others too. the situations that these parts of the truth that became entwined in my being becomes apparent has been in "romantic relationships" but i know that this truth affects many parts of me...career, art, family...so it is not about him. it is about me changing something that has been undermining me in my adult life. i am excited and scared because i have no idea where this is all taking me. i do know that it has to be better that where i have been internally all these years.