In the Incheon Airport

in the Incheon airport again. waiting to board my plane to Chicago. i finally signed up for frequent flyer miles! it was so easy and i can't believe how long it has taken me to do it! man, i could have flown home practically free if i had been using a card like this! anyway, i am so happy to be going home to south carolina!! i finished up packing this morning and ran a couple of errands before heading to catch a bus to the airport. you should have seen me lugging my heavy, awkward bag/suitcase down the stairs that lead to my apartment. a halmoni in the apartment below me saw me manauvering it down the stairs while also trying to carry two smaller bags. she actually came over and carried the smaller bags for me with this big smile on her face. it is so funny how extreme Korea can be. there are times where no one will help you and then there are times, when you least expect, some soul defies any stereotype you were attempting to make.

check in and security were extremely smooth so i have tons of time now. i think i will post some new poetry on my poetry page then go eat something!!

Love is the Answer

what it all comes down to is understanding and healing internal wounds. so much of what a person perceives about the world and others is about how they see themselves. projecting onto others the poison that they may feel about themselves. thinking that others see them in a negative way because that is how they see themselves. i got a lesson in that this past few days. my fears that are awakened by interpersonal relationships cause me to overreact, over analyze, become bitter, distrustful...all these poisons. the desire to blame someone for what i maybe feeling is so strong. i am learning that it all comes down to forgiveness. not necessarily forgiveness of another but forgiving myself. i am brutal on myself mentally and emotionally. some of the images that accompany my intense negative emotions are so destructive.

i can feel myself changing and growing. just as the sun shines warmly some days it is covered by clouds and cool on other days. no day is better than the other. they just are and you adjust and you live your life as the Divine moves you to live. i have had some intensely sunny days, some warm days and some cool days. i am coming to learn to appreciate them all. the constant is that God is behind these changes and i just have to begin to perceive what it is that i am meant to learn.

i know that now i am on a journey to better understand love. particularly loving myself so that i can begin practicing forgiving myself and so that i may forgive others.

The Day After Tomorrow

the day after tomorrow i will be on a plane home. to my other home. these past few days have been filled with last minute dinners and coffee shop chats. reconnecting with folks. dancing all night. even as i am about to get on a plane back to the south i am still learning lessons and growing. i am going to shake off some of this spiritual and emotional weight/dust when i get home...in the safety of my mom's house. in the warmth of the ocean. in reconnecting with my spiritual family. although i am very ready to get to south carolina i know that i will begin to miss korea because this is my home too. all i know is that i almost cried when i talked to ody tonight and she assured me we would watch "The Color Purple" and eat collard greens!!!

Looking Back

my life has been touched by so many beautiful and spirit filled people. so much light and brilliance. i feel the person i am today is a composite of small parts of each of their lights. these past few years in korea have been a journey. the years before a life of beauty now a life of brilliance.

my first year here it was Soo Halmoni, Tara, Aimee, Jenny and Rob, Kapono, Chahn, Dong-Wan, Kwang-Hee, Ji-Woong, jazz dance class, my Hip-Hopucation class. a lovely year filled with wonder, newness, comfort, love.

my second year here i was given a brother Ji-Woong and a sister Sopia and unforgetable friends Kat, Hajir, Faysal, Tom, Janet, Heather, Janet Jung, Keebe, Irene, Hyun-Ah, Sook-Young, Moon-Sung. an incredible year where i began to come out of myself more and experienced the energy and love of having a core group of Baha'i friends.

my third and forth years here brought my amazing brother Vahid here, i discovered the beauty of having very deep connections with women; Janet Jung, Adrianne, Sarah, Sopia, Camille, Iyabo, Zhaleh, Magedela, Kathleen (my soul's twin), Counsellor Chung, Lina, Ed, Helen, Joey...i saw many friends leave and was momentarily heartbroken when the Ever Providing Divine sent me even more friends. i was also given the most wonderful gift of being able to lead someone to the Faith, Seung-Woo, who has flourished and become an active part of the community. i ventured into a realtionship and had the healthiest and sweetest connection ever with a man. probably the greatest bulk of my growth has taken place over these past two years. some of my lowest moments were during this time but i had such a support system that i always knew everything was alright.

a funny thing happened today. it is so lovely how pure and intuitive children can be. i was covering a friends classes this week. today was my last day. i got to talking with the students. of course they asked me questions as i asked them quetions. when one boy realised that i had no children he asked me, "are you lonely?" that kind of question deserves a real answer so i answered, "sometimes." he looked at me for a moment and seemed satisfied with my answer.

yesterday i received a phone call from one of my kindergarten students from last year, Cavin. he and his family were on their way to Malaysia for vacation. i was so surprised that he called and we had a funny, broken conversation.

these are the souls, the small moments that have made my life really sweet. made everything worthwhile. all of the choices i have made, prayerfully and otherwise find meaning when seen through the brilliance of love.

A Students Wisdom

My teacher always speaks well of the students. I paid attention to the
teacher. My teacher asked us a question. I was praised for the right
answer. She patted me on the back. She spoke highly of me. She paid me
a high compliment. It felt good to hear words of praise. When I was
praised, I felt proud. She cheered us up by praising us.
~Julia, ESL students journal writing

gettin' played...

the world of the single Baha'i woman if fret with pitfalls and briar patches. it seems the older i get the harder it becomes to meet someone. i am pretty sure i got played AGAIN!!! i met a guy a couple of days ago and we hung out alot and talked about so many deep and profound things. he seemed to like me. not a Baha'i but the first guy i met here who doesn't drink alcohol. he has a wonderful sense of humor and wants to go dancing...but i'd have to teach him some stuff beforehand. we went to the movies, had dinner, talked about life. he said he would call today but my phone only rang when my forgetful principal called me three times about my vacation. i am getting to the point that i am really tired of the whole thing. the game of meeting someone. i only meet people when i open myself up to the possibility. i think at this point the best thing to do is forget the whole thing. it isn't good for my energy and my sense of self worth to keep meeting people who really don't see me and honestly, don't seem to care to.

Feelin' Good

i know it has been quite a long time since i last wrote. things have been so hectic and busy that i just don't have the energy to write. lots has happened. i am going to the States for a short visit. i am beyond excited. the days can't pass fast enough for me. it has been nearly 3 years since i was last home. food, beach, sleep, visiting, assisting in the Baha'i community, dancing...just being in the familiar will be nice.

i was getting to know someone for a short time. it was good for me. good to communicate with someone with honesty and integrity. i think we figured out we are too different to be more than friends but friends is always good. i think i am going to be single for awhile yet.

i was planning to take a year and pursue the arts. take dance classes, teach dance classes, take acting/modelling classes and just see where it takes me. i am also now trying to figure out how to a majority of this and still get a masters degree. i will be doing some investigating when i go home. there is an acting/modelling agency in Charleston that i can attend for like 2 months or so. i am thinking about doing that during the summer after i return from my trip through Latin America. i also will be looking at job possibilities using the arts with young people. i am feeling that alot of this is workable if i do the footwork.

this past semester at school has been great. i love my new job and i love my place. it is so easy to consider staying here. my co-worker was telling me today how he saved 100,000USD over the 5 years he was here! INCREDIBLE!!! if only i was in that mindset when i came here! so the thought of coming back after finishing my masters is pretty heavy. i may actually have a job opportunity too that would fit me quite well.

the Baha'i community here is redoubling its efforts to get Seoul to an A cluster. i haven't been as active as i would want because i am teaching dance classes during some activities. hopefully when i get back from the States in August i can start being more involved again.

i am growing in leaps and bounds these days and it feels good. it feels really good.