Crossroads

I am at a critical crossroads now. In a real way. I have told my father all I needed to tell him. I have taken a break from a relationship that was not healthy for me. I am actively trying to get back to Korea. I am also looking at another possibility here in South Carolina.

I am finally ready to change and let go of the thorn in my side. It requires that I change the way I think. It requires me to break with the patterns of how I speak to myself in my head. It requires me to break these patterns through prayer and interacting with the word of God. I intend to conciously and actively arrest negative thoughts or behaviours that leave me vulnerable. It requires perserverance and resolve. I hope I can do this.

Morehouse Man

My dear brother Vahid is now a Morehouse man!!! Yes, there are no words to capture how proud I am of him. My mother, sister, her boyfriend and I went down to Atlanta for his graduation. Friday was the Rite of Passage program. Saturday was the Bacclarate program which was full to capacity with a truly dynamic speaker. Sunday was the BIG day. We woke up at 4:30am to be there by 5:30am to get good seats. It rained. Hard rain. Drenching rain. We had umbrellas and were given huge plastic garbage bags to cover ourselves with. We sat in the rain for over three hours to watch my beautiful brother walk in proceeded by a group of drummers playing traditional African drums. We watched him cross the stage on a big screen. Then headed off to King's Chapel to get out of the rain and wait for him to arrive.

D.C. Abbreviated

I have to finish writing about my trip to D.C. because it was such a reinforcing weekend. I went dancing Saturday night with Geneva and Shirin and had a wonderful time. The club was called YUCA. I had never seen a salsa club like this. It was huge. A restaurant, bar and club in one. People danced everywhere and it wasn't frowned upon for someone who was eating a delicious meal to get up and dance. Good vibe. Good people. Great music. Excellent dancing. The best salsa club I had ever been to. Sunday I went to the devotional gathering at the D. C. Baha'i Center with the hopes of seeing one of my sisters. She was there with her beautiful children and we got to spend some truly quality time together though it was too short. Monday night I had an amazing dinner with some of my dearest life long friends, Grant. Bernard and Kate. I cannot describe to you the energy and love and happiness I felt being with them.

I ended up missing my flight out the next day which caused some problems but it was okay. I got to work and nothing traumatic happened. Of course this is the majorly abbreviated version but the most important thing about my time there was that I was able to feel refreshed and loved in the prescence of my dearest friends.

Trippin' to D.C. Day 1

Last weekend I went to Washington D.C. I was there for four days and it was GLORIOUS!!! The weather sucked but I basked in the love and warmth of my friends that I hadn't seen in years. That was the entire weekend..reconnecting and thanking God for these people. The trip was paid for courtsey of my friend Nica, and I stayed with her sister and my friend, Shirin...and Sammy her cat. I met up with my friend Geneva...the massage therapist on the first day. We caught up pretty quickly and went to a second hand store to shop...I didn't buy anything. (Thank God!) The first night was fantastic coz I got to catch up with Nica and her friend Lua and Shirin showed up to have dinner with us at an Ethiopian restaurant...which had a live jazz band...how cool is that?! The food was incredible. It was just so nice to be with people who knew me...instantaneous comfortability. It was like coming home all over again.

Ranting...Epilogue

Well, after a much needed drive out of town with my mother, I have finally calmed down. She was taking a class so I had the car. I just aimlessly drove around Columbia, listening to music, and feeling pretty dejected...actually I did have a destination but I kept getting on the wrong streets or not going far enough. I ended up in Five Points...where I wanted to be. A kind of hip area with coffee shops and cool stores. I found a coffee shop, ordered Earl Grey tea and a pastry, found a table and got to writing. Putting my feelings in words...in poetry where I keep the words brief and to the point...helps me to get a good perspective. To read this poetry go to: http://poetry4adalia.blogspot.com I could feel the negative feelings I was holding fall away. I was so angry with myself. I had to start letting it go...it's like poison to my system. I also talked with my friend Shirin which helped alot. Once we were finished I was back to my old, energetic, confident self...just a little miffed. I think I have learned my lesson this time. Without alot of drama or trauma...I think I learned. I hope at least.

Ranting

I am in a foul mood this morning. It isn't pms either because I just said good-bye to my monthly visitor. No I am in a foul mood because I have figured things out. I have been a fool again. Once again the guy got what he wanted. Mike gets his "friend", my sister gets to know that we are "friends" and my mother can sleep well at night knowing that I have another "friend". Another guy to add to the ever growing list of rejection and the pattern...I don't want anything, the guy thinks he wants something, i go with the flow, he figures me out, he decides he in fact, didn't want anything serious but he does want a friendship with all the perks...keeping me in his life at a safe distance...and "go with the flow girl" ends up with nothing because it was what she wanted in the beginning...forever chasing that ever elusive "promise of something" and getting crushed in the process. Yes, he gets what he wants...help going to Korea, a study partner for the EFL program, a "friend"...and I am left with shit...just another friend...as if I don't already have enough of them. I guess what I wanted was something serious...an end to the pattern...but the pattern lives on and I am left trying to figure out if I want to keep him in my life or not...yes, rejection is a slap in the face...is he worth keeping around? I can hear the relief in his voice and that pisses me off. All is good in his world.

I have been fighting the urge to become like stone. Yes, the urge is strong. Life was so much easier when I don't have anybody in it. When I was too busy to care. When I would have my momentary lapses realising that I was alone and would probably stay that way. I hate the fact that I let myself get hurt. I hate the fact that I let him in my life. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to follow my pattern. I hate the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. I hate the fact that I have no idea what to do now.

So much has happened in the past few days and I don't have any time to write about it. Maybe work will be slow today and I will be able to post some stuff. All is well!!!!