Ranting

I am in a foul mood this morning. It isn't pms either because I just said good-bye to my monthly visitor. No I am in a foul mood because I have figured things out. I have been a fool again. Once again the guy got what he wanted. Mike gets his "friend", my sister gets to know that we are "friends" and my mother can sleep well at night knowing that I have another "friend". Another guy to add to the ever growing list of rejection and the pattern...I don't want anything, the guy thinks he wants something, i go with the flow, he figures me out, he decides he in fact, didn't want anything serious but he does want a friendship with all the perks...keeping me in his life at a safe distance...and "go with the flow girl" ends up with nothing because it was what she wanted in the beginning...forever chasing that ever elusive "promise of something" and getting crushed in the process. Yes, he gets what he wants...help going to Korea, a study partner for the EFL program, a "friend"...and I am left with shit...just another friend...as if I don't already have enough of them. I guess what I wanted was something serious...an end to the pattern...but the pattern lives on and I am left trying to figure out if I want to keep him in my life or not...yes, rejection is a slap in the face...is he worth keeping around? I can hear the relief in his voice and that pisses me off. All is good in his world.

I have been fighting the urge to become like stone. Yes, the urge is strong. Life was so much easier when I don't have anybody in it. When I was too busy to care. When I would have my momentary lapses realising that I was alone and would probably stay that way. I hate the fact that I let myself get hurt. I hate the fact that I let him in my life. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to follow my pattern. I hate the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. I hate the fact that I have no idea what to do now.