Making Changes

my time in atlanta was cathartic and theraputic. i needed it. i needed to dance just for me. i needed to be with a soul friend to discuss the latest trials of my soul's journey. i am so hard on myself that i think it is probably abusive. the way i think and how i beat myself up. i say things to myself that no one has ever said to me.

i hit a big high in atlanta. for three days in the evening i would have a two hour session with anana. reconnecting with my body through movement. the only thing holding me back is that i was staying in my head. my body could do the movements but my mind would not let me. this is something that i will be working on.

i went out dancing two of the nights i was there and had an amazing time. the music was great. the people and the atmosphere was great. the dancing was awesome. it was really good for me.

i got to spend some time consulting with my friend Asali about my current struggle. actually it has been the struggle of my life but it has recently manifested itself in a very real way. i realized that i what i know is pain. in relationships that is what i know. that is what i am familiar with. my conditined conciousness is drawn to dead end relationships that will only bring pain. they are dead end but i let myself become emotionally attached and i am the one who is hurt. i need to change the way i think. i will be actively doing this with therapy. i know i can't do it alone. the issue is much too deep and i am having trouble seeing an end.

last night i talked at length with my friend Sarah who gave me some gems and things to take into therapy. using a book that she studided for her psychology masters, "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, just from our conversation she was able to pin point 10 cognitive distortions that i have:

1) All or Nothing thinking
2) Over generalization- view a nagative experience as a neverending pattern of defeat
3) Mental filter- Dwell on the negative and ignore the positive
4) Discounting positive- insist positive qualities don't count
5) Jumping to conclusions-
a. mind reading
b. fortune telling (predict bad outcomes)
6) Magnification or Minimization
7) Emotional reasoning- reason from how i feel
8) "Should" statements- criticize with shoulds or shouldn'ts (must, ought, have to are similar
9) Labeling- Identify myself with shortcomings
10) Personalization and blame- blame myself for something that i am not entirely responsible for OR blame others and overlook my role

all of these applied to me with varying degrees of intensity. being able to identify what i am dealing with gives me a great start. at the moment i am not feeling to well internally but i know that it will pass. i gave myself a pretty good beating yesterday.