Forgiving

i remember the day it happened. i spoke the truth without emotion. with so much detachment that i wasn't sure it was me on the phone. the listener couldn't deny what we both knew was true. there was a simple acceptance that things were the way they were going to be. the past couldn't be changed. the choices my father made that created the relationship he has with his adult children couldn't be undone. we both knew it. we also both knew that if he wanted present conditions to change it was going to require an acceptance of responsibility that he is not ready to undertake. but once the truth was spoken, the child in me no longer needed to hear his apology because i had put into words what the 7 year old couldn't.

this phone call was long in coming and was preceded by two attempts at communicating my present hurt to my father...hoping he'd realize that he played a role in what i was trying to heal. both attempts weren't met with anger on his part, just a distant silence...similar to what i experienced at the age of 5.

forgiveness has been a great struggle. probably the biggest test of my adult life. somehow i had gotten it in my head that forgiveness meant that the victimizer was absolved of all responsibility and i just had to swallow my anger, live with my night terrors, and muddle my way through life ignoring the hurt they caused. my abusers hurt me by taking advantage of my youngness and vulnerability. my father hurt me by not protecting me when i needed it and asked him. an ex hurt me when he asked about something deeply painful and then turned it on me. and some hurts, like these, go far deeper than the heart. they go to the soul and it aches all the time.

i felt protected by my anger and my unwillingness to forgive. not that anyone was asking. it was a mental thing and it was definitely all in my head. it would make me angry beyond words when ,every once in awhile, a therapist or a friend would mention forgiveness. how dare i have to be the one to do all the hard work? and forgiveness is definitely hard work.

i kept making poor decisions when it came to relationships with men. i knew that the only way to change this was to finally confront my father. i have always had difficulty praying but when i finally do pray they are always answered.

one day about 4 years ago i prayed about what to do about my father. it was heavy on me because i was tired of being the one to approach him. the next morning i woke up and something inside just said, "call him." the conversation that ensued between us could have been guided by none other than some angel because the truth was heard by both of us and i was able to accept where my father was. after hanging up the phone i knew that i had turned a corner and i could never go back. i remember thinking, "so this is what forgiveness feels like."

there was a great lifting of heaviness as well as a new sense of personal power that i had never felt before. i didn't know that this is what forgiveness felt like. the boundaries were clear. the need to have validation from the only man i knew as my father was gone. i also knew that no longer could i hold onto being a victim. no longer could i blame past transgressions for the choices i was making as an adult.

i realized something. forgiveness doesn't mean the transgressor is absolved of responsibility. forgiveness means a return of power to the one who was transgressed against. it means that you can choose not to be around the transgressor and feel no guilt about it. you understand that they made the choice to hurt you and you are making the choice not to be hurt by them again. you can speak your truth. forgiveness is unconditional yet there is a justice involved. until the other party forgives themselves and accepts their responsibility, they do not get to experience a full and healthy relationship with you. you get to stop the cycle of transgression and victimization. you no longer hand over power to any being other than God.

after this experience with forgiveness it was not easy to forgive later but where there is a desire, no matter how small, it will come to pass. so, for a second time i have been able to forgive and i must say it is becoming easier.