Knowing Yourself: First Element of the Building Relationship Formula

Now, after weekend one, the weekend I met Ryan, all other weekends and week days seem to blur. I wrote nothing in a journal. I didn't make myself remember some particular tidbit. It is all just one collective experience after the initial meeting. Ryan made a point of noting certain dates and events. He will probably be able to fill in the spaces to provide continuity. Once again, I will write from my own experience.

To talk about the building process, I have to go back a year or more, and look at myself. Now, the Writings of the Baha'i Faith speak of folks knowing themselves as part of the investigation of character process. Actually, let me just take investigation of another person's character out of the conversation and look at investigating my own character. It is amazingly sad how many folks do not know themselves. I think we sometimes make efforts NOT to know ourselves. I dabbled around the edges for years but was not quite ready to really know myself.

I have spent the better part of the past 7 years investigating my own character. I am not adverse to therapy and counseling and I have seen a few over the years. For some reason I was born with the insatiable need to UNDERSTAND. Some folks can ignore things inside themselves that cause them to go into survival mode, fight or flight, I am not one of those people. I look to root out stuff that causes fear, anger, resentment. It is hard work. It can be scary work. It is a constant practice in humility and being honest with myself.

This past year, while I was pursuing my master's degree, I also pursued healing. I discovered early on in my program that I had this self defeating cycle and the only way I was going to make it through was to break that cycle. I went to a therapist on campus, it was free, and I found myself actively learning how to change the way I thought. I either inherited or created a record that constantly played loudly words that I spoke to myself but would never say to someone else. Although I had gone to lots of therapists, it wasn't until I was really ready to face down childhood demons, take away their power, and embrace the child warrior I was, could I move on.

I learned a lot about myself. I learned the power of taking control of my emotions instead of letting them control me. I learned two new words that I use to this day to describe certain behavior "AWFULYZING" and "CATASTROPHYZING". I learned to live in and accept the present. I learned that there are very few "shoulds" and lots of "just are's". I finally stepped fully into my own skin, no longer unsure of who I was and what I wanted.

Step into the picture Ryan Sawhill. I met Ryan Sawhill AFTER I truly met Adalia Ellis. I can say with conviction that I understand the power of knowing myself. I know now when I feel fear and am willing to understand where it is coming from. I know what I want and don't want and I am learning to be okay about communicating it. I found that it was only after knowing myself that I could see in another person what I needed. All the things I learned and developed over the years were not to just be able to be married to someone, but to be able to love myself and be fully present in all aspects of my life.

So, to build a loving partnership I had to start with something. I was the something. Knowing myself allowed me to see in Ryan the attributes and actions he possessed that would be indispensable for me in a long term, committed relationship. Know thyself...