Re-Adjusting: When the Business Takes Over

I have been waking up with anxiety crazy early in the morning for awhile now. I have prayed. I have read. I have watched tv. Yet, this feeling still persists. Maybe, just maybe, I have come to it in today's early morning hours. My business has been all consuming. I have sacrificed more than I have been recompensed. I have sacrificed in areas I shouldn't have. I have sacrificed without thinking. I think for a sacrifice to be productive and not damaging, is when it is done with full understanding and mindfulness. I also have sacrificed wrongly because I have been unwilling to recognize my worth monetarily and  the skills I have honed over many years.

For this business of mine to truly flourish I can no longer sacrifice without thought and with low self-esteem. I have to face the reality of my life. I am not young. I am not a young mother. All the years when I could have put everything into this business have passed. I am not single. I am not without a child. I cannot go full forward on my vision. Not at this time and maybe never. I have spent many long years feeling like there was more for me to be doing. That I was not living to my potential. This feeling has kept me in a constant search for fulfillment but no longer. I do not have the time as I once did. I now have someone to raise to know and love God.

So, I will just focus on what I have now as a hobby/part-time gig. No kids program. No seniors program. No multi-space for classes and events. Just focus on growing what I have now and look no further. If something doesn't fall within the parameters of what my current business can handle, then it won't be done.

In Myrtle Beach, 2 socials a month with monthly intensives. In Florence, 2 socials monthly with weekly classes on Thursday and Wednesday. Have guest instructors come less often. The only thing I feel the need to develop and expand are the review videos and how to create a habit of practice between classes with instructor support. That is it.

When An Angel Works on Your Behalf

Nahara has been a very busy little angel. Not long after my conversation with my friend Windi (Refer to post: Oct 31, 2015) I began to say prayers for her assistance. She brought an opportunity to her father at work that, although it was a short experience, exposed him to some people high up in the company. Who knows what seeds were planted to be benefited from later!

In my life, she has moved things. She has moved me. I have no idea where to start with everything that has come to me. I guess to start, within 2 days I received three very obvious pushes towards becoming more dedicated to building an arts organization starting with Latin Dance. One was in the form of a conversation where a friend suddenly asked if I would be interested in working with him on creating a webinar. I had already started contemplating this! The second came in the form of a phone call/life coach appointment with a friend. When asked what I was thinking about how to integrate life coaching, the dance angle came up and I could see so clearly a path forward. The third might as well have been a huge sign placed in front of my face. It came in the form of an unexpected phone call from someone I had not spoken to in years. A former dance student that had become a friend was calling to ask if I would be willing to help build the Latin Dance community in Myrtle Beach again.

Things have moved so quickly. So quickly. I have learned valuable lessons. I started out with a simple idea to teach classes which ballooned into offering a weekend of activities. The first weekender had so many significant pitfalls but I kept reminding myself that this was not about me. That I have been led to do this and in everything there is a lesson. So I kept my cool. Spoke with people with honesty and respect and as a result, developed connections with folks. I saw how intentions can be very different when working with others and have had to have very difficult conversations to maintain justice and truthfulness.

I have learned to constantly come back to my vision. To focus on my goal. I have prayed constantly to remind myself that this was moved by the Divine and the Divine will guide me. As such, obstacles have been removed, opportunities placed before me, and I am constantly seeing how coherent this experience has been when looking at the rest of my life. The lessons learned are easily applied to other areas of my life and all that I do is in the spirit of service.

I have been to an initial Life Coaching training which proved to be very useful and I am now looking at ways to integrate it with the Latin Dance. I will be attending a gratitude training that I feel will unlock so many closed doors inside of me.

I have learned that it is attachment to this organization that leads to fear, jealousy, envy, anger and resentment. I have to keep moving forward with detachment, perception, in a spirit of service and keep my eyes on the vision. So, now I pray. I pray for guidance. I pray for detachment. I pray that obstacles be removed and opportunities to help me know how to move forward are placed before me.

Thank you Nahara. I see you in all of this and I feel you moving beside me my love.

Oct 31, 2015

I just read my post, "When Life Leaves You" and I realized I never wrote about the miscarriage itself. Believe me it was the stuff of sorrow, fear, and resilience. We were given 3 choices when we met with the OBGyn. 1. Miscarry naturally, which could take weeks. 2. Take a pill to trigger the miscarriage which would be hours. 3. Have a DNC. We chose 2 because I didn't have it in me to watch the remnants of my pregnancy leave my body for weeks and having a DNC just didn't sit right.

We got the pill and went home. We decided to wait until late in the evening for me to take it, thinking that it would not kick in until early to mid morning. Well it pretty much kicked in right away. I started having cramping so I took a prescription strength Ibuprofen and I felt no more pain. Not long after I began to miscarry in earnest. I cried every time i went to the bathroom. Large amounts of blood began leaving my body for hours. I thought this was normal. The sun came up and Ryan and Alai went to pick some things up from the store. I had another urge to go to the toilet but this time when the blood rushed out I began to feel weak. Weak to the point I could not sit up. I lay down on the floor and everything went fuzzy and I knew, I knew I was bleeding to death. I dragged myself to the bedroom floor but couldn't stand and I began to cry because I didn't know how I was going to make it to the bed where my phone was. I had to call 911 but I had no idea how I would get there. Then I began thinking about Alai. I thought of him and it is what gave me the stretch to crawl, run to the bed and get the phone.

I had never called 911 before. I could barely talk and she kept asking questions. I just wanted to rest and she kept asking me questions. All I could think of was telling Ryan and I kept saying I wanted my husband, She finally asked for his number and asked another operator to call him. Eventually I could hear sirens and soon they were at our house. I could hear banging and a fireman calling out and I began to cry more. I couldn't let them in. I kept repeating this to the operator. Then I heard the window being broken and foot steps on the stairs. And then our bedroom was filled with all these men and immediately I was embarrassed. I was in a short, silk night gown with nothing on under as I left my undergarment on the floor of the bathroom. They kept me from moving easily. I lay on the bed where I fell. Someone covered me up. Then they started asking me questions and I had to find the energy to answer them.

They couldn't get the stretcher up the stairs easily so they had me sit in a chair and they carried me downstairs and put me on the stretcher. I had the presence of mind to bring my purse with all of my information in it. As I was rolled out of our back door an ambulance, fire truck and police car in the parking lot, I saw our dear friend and nanny Regina. She had heard and seen the emergency vehicles and came down from her house. I was so grateful to see her. She asked if I needed anything and I told her quickly as I was being loaded into the ambulance. They had me in a sitting up position and I began to feel faint again so the EMT guy lowered my head and lifted my feet. I felt better. He started an IV and it felt cold. It was weird riding in the back of an ambulance. I couldn't see outside. I did tell them which hospital to go to but had no sense of direction.  The EMT guy that was with me was conversational and we talked a little.

When we got to the hospital and as I was being taken out of the ambulance, I was overcome by an odd sense of sensory overload.Things felt so surreal. I was wheeled into the ER but it felt like I was underwater. I was placed in my own private room and had a wonderful nurse. She cleaned me up, gave me a gown and made sure I was warm because I felt so cold. When Ryan arrived, the relief I felt was indescribable. He came with my laptop, movies, and an overnight bag. We learned from past experience to have an overnight bag when brought to the hospital. We were in this room for hours. They were constantly replacing the IV bag. As it turned out, not only had I had lots of blood loss but was severely dehydrated. I was so dehydrated they had a hard time finding a good vein to start an IV. For the first time ever I used a bed pan multiple times because I couldn't walk to the bathroom. At some point the PA came in and did a cursory look over and let me know that the OBGyn was on her way. Soon after I thought I'd try walking to the bathroom in my room. I got there fine but started getting light headed and had to be partially carried to the bed. All this time I had not passed tons of blood but was feeling full in my abdomin. Eventually the OB arrived and she did a pelvic exam. I notice that she had the nurse bring over a trashcan before she started and she had a concerned look on her face. It was very uncomfortable and when she finished she said I was to get an emergency DNC right away. I overheard her say something about all of the blood that had come out. After she left to get the surgical room ready, I began to feel really weak again. Like I did when I was home. I felt like I was falling although I was lying down. Things started getting fuzzy and I felt so cold. I felt like I was dying and I said it. I had a new nurse and she looked at the IV as I fell further and further. At some point she raised the end of the bed and right away I felt different.

A few moments later I was being wheeled to the operating room. It was huge and Ryan was with me. I began to cry again and I told Ryan that I missed "our girl". And cried and cried. I asked him to read the comforting words of Abdu'l-Baha that my brother Ruhi sent me. I told Ryan that I loved him in case something happened. Of course he dismissed the idea of me dying and to see him smiled was a nice last memory before the anesthesiologist's concoction put me out.

When I woke up I was in the same room and Ryan was there, I had no idea that I had fallen out so I was a little disoriented. The DNC was done. I had miscarried earlier. The loss of blood was related to my blood clotting in overdrive in my uterus because a piece of the placenta was still there. The clots were so big that they were building up behind one another causing my uterus not to contract, which then produced more blood and clots. I was kept overnight due to my blood levels being down to 7. The OB doc came in the next day and explained everything to me. I was so appreciative of her thoughtfulness. She did tell me that the PA should have done a pelvic exam. Had the PA done the pelvic exam, the critical nature of the situation would have been known and the doctor would have come sooner. I was surprised that she would tell me this but I appreciated her candor.

I was discharged and Ryan and Alai came to get me. I will forever have Regina in my heart because she stayed with Alai until Ryan came home late the night before. I had no idea how bad off I was until I got home. I couldn't walk up the stairs. I couldn't sit up for extended periods of time. My Baha'i family helped with childcare, brought food, cooked food, and gave me space to heal. My mother come up and spent the day with us. I loved the phone calls I received from sisters who dropped so much love, wisdom and strength on me.

All this time I grieved for Nahara and processed the feelings of imminent death. It would not have been so bad because I would have been with her but Alai would have been left without a mother and Ryan a wife.

I feel Nahara at times. My dear sister Windi reminded me to ask Nahara for assistance. She said to me when I was voicing a longing to return to South Carolina, "Have you asked your daughter for help? I ask her for assistance often. I talk to her more often than I do you. She is very powerful."

Dearest Nahara, I will try my best to remember you as the powerful soul I felt inside of me and I look forward to joining you in the ocean of light. I love you.

Writing It Out

I think I thought when I was much younger that at some point in life your dreams, aspirations, longings for completeness are met. I find myself a frustrated 41 year old who seems to have lived all of those dreams, aspirations, and found my longing completed in my youth and young adulthood. I feel as if I am marking time now. Like my time is long past and I am spinning my wheels in a empty effort to fill the space or to feel relevant. I am now married. I am now a mother. The two things I longed for for years, the space I filled with all of my dreams, aspirations and longing, I now have and I feel incomplete. Had I spent so many years looking to the future that I didn't do what I needed for myself? I never felt that way before. I think I am feeling trapped by my decisions. I am feeling the regret of long years of nursing a broken heart and a wounded soul. I am feeling the regret of not planning for my future financially. I am feeling regret for not truly being bold and fearless when I had the chance. When there was so much less to lose. So much less to fear. I used to think I knew what my calling was. I used to think I knew what talents and abilities I was given to develop in service to others. Now, I don't know. I am in limbo.

What do I do with the time I have now? How do I use it well, with purpose, productively, with intention? Do I settle into the mundane of my life and find happiness there? Or rather bring happiness to it? Do I focus on getting my body back, educating my son, building with my husband? Will I see a glimpse of my next steps in these mundane, happy, constructive everyday works? Is this where my service is for now? Is this part of the ebb and flow that I have experienced over and over in my life?

Can I happily throw myself into these difficult tasks because honestly, they ask the most of me. They ask of my inner, deepest self and demand time that I feel I don't have. Maybe that is the problem. I am seeing time as lost to me when in actuality, I have time for things I do not want to do but need to do. It is letting go of the ego self. The ego self that keeps looking for the next big thing. The next thing that will show me and the world that I am relevant.

Once I stop seeking recognition I will find peace in the space I am currently inhabiting. I will find peace and be happy.

When Life Leaves You

I cannot sleep. It is 2:00 am and I just spent 30 minutes on the toilet crying. Every time I wipe there is blood and I am reminded that a life has left me and the shell is expelling itself one ounce of blood at a time. Nearly 8 weeks ago I was pregnant. We saw her heart beat at 6 weeks when she was no more than 3 centimeters long. She was our little "Bean". Her heart stopped beating a day or two later but we didn't know it until 7 weeks and a couple of days. Before science confirmed it, I began to not feel pregnant somewhere between 6-7weeks. The small spots of blood were my ominous heralds of loss. The ultrasound that made real my intuitive voice, showed the silence of her heart and all I heard was screaming. I knew she was gone but the words " No longer viable" bounced like exploding bombs through my brain. Now I wait. I see remnants of the home that was prepared to house her inside my body and I cry. I have learned something about myself. I prefer to grieve alone. I may share of it in words but I prefer solitude when racked with tears.

We named her Nahara long ago, this little one we will meet in the Abha Kingdom. Here name is Aramaic for 'Light'. Although science will not confirm it, we felt that she was a girl. We would catch ourselves speaking of her with pronouns like she and her.

I cannot sleep because in the afternoon today I will face another confirmation of our loss when we meet with our OBGyn.

Life has left me. There is something sacred and profoundly intimate about sharing my body with another soul, a developing of the temple that would house her true reality.

I am sleepy now. The words have left my head and my eyes grow heavy. My dear Nahara is surrounded by love and light in the company of greatness. A depth of gratitude I cannot convey goes toward Abdu'l-Baha for penning the words I feel in my heart that sweet Nahara is saying:

‘O thou kind Mother, thank divine Providence that I have been freed from a small and gloomy cage and, like the birds of the meadows, have soared to the divine world—a world which is spacious, illumined, and ever gay and jubilant. Therefore, lament not, O Mother, and be not grieved; I am not of the lost, nor have I been obliterated and destroyed. I have shaken off the mortal form and have raised my banner in this spiritual world. Following this separation is everlasting companionship. Thou shalt find me in the heaven of the Lord, immersed in an ocean of light.’

Abdu’l-Baha (Selection From the Writings of Abdu’l-Baha, pp 201)

I love you.

We Are Marching To The Kingdom

It has been a powerful 10 days. I am now home and although I am happy to be with my guys again, I have so many thoughts swirling in my head that I am finding it hard to really settle in. My suitcase sits in the hall still fully packed as I attempt to unpack my heart and mind.

I make every attempt to live in the moment. To experience life as it is meant to be experienced, with all five senses and I choose not be behind a camera trying to capture every moment. With that said I also felt it was important to capture some part of this important moment in history so I compiled my efforts, as meager as they are, so I can share them with you.

SC Enterprise. I feel like I was on a voyage with a crew of amazing people. For ten days we sang, prayed, studied, consulted, acted, and reflected. We fellowshiped and united by our passion and love for Baha'u'llah, prepared to reinvigorate the spiritual energy of my home state of South Carolina. I felt the entire time like my hopes, dreams, and faith in the people of South Carolina were realized in the creation of so powerful an enterprise.

The 10 days were characterized by song, filled with spontaneity, capturing the combined spiritual fervor of all who were there. We learned about the deep history of the Baha'i Faith in South Carolina, with its victories, crisises, and sacrifices. Learning of the past helped us to understand the shoulders on which we stand. It helped me to recognize the enormity of the redemption that the process of spiritual education offered by the Training Institute and the Core Activities will bring to this sorely tried state.

Although I have completed the Ruhi sequence of study, I gained so much more understanding and appreciation for the purposes and actions related to each in the context of transformation at the level of the neighborhood. Study left me feeling excited and antsy to get going!!

One opportunity to apply the practice of devotions arose out of tragedy. One the evening of our first day, 9 people were killed by a young man in Charleston. The 9 people were black and the shooter white. He planned the attack for the anniversary of the slave uprising led by Denmark Vessey. The travesty of the deaths were felt near and far and reached our hearts at Louis Gregory. After some study the following day, by mid afternoon, an idea was suggested that we see what the Baha'i community was doing to respond. We learned of a devotional that was going to be held and after a quick consultation we decided we'd drive the 2 hours to Charleston to join them. The most powerful part of the devotional for me, was that each person shared how they felt or were impacted by the tragedy. People truly shared from their heart and we were there to listen to youth from the neighborhood near the church who were directly affected by this senseless act of hate. Prayers went up and comfort came down and our hearts were lightened so we could go forth with the work we are now tasked with undertaking. The drive home, we sang and laughed, and I could not help but to think that this is what it was like for those youth who came to South Carolina 40 years ago and saw thousands of people become Baha'is.

I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to serve alongside two groups of people in outreach efforts.
In Conway,confirmations after confirmations were showered as Destiny, Jillian, Fran, Darnel, Khadijih and I knocked on doors inviting folks to be a part of this learning process. The response was positive and learning happened at each door. Whether the door was opened or not, the people behind them were open to conversation or not, we learned. The group was able to follow up with the property manager who was so open to having the Junior Youth program.

In Hemingway, I did follow up with a group. The initial outreach resulted in a very strong interest in the Youth Movement and the Junior Youth program. We were welcomed back to present the program to the youth at the Boys and Girls club. Our team spent time preparing, consulting, and praying for this amazing opportunity. When Mady, Darnel, Destiny and I arrived, the youth and junior youth were in a recreation room where games and socializing was happening. We were definitely looked out with suspicion. That suspicion quickly gave way to interest as we taught them a song and sang with them. I had the honor of meeting with the junior youth separately. We talked about service and I taught them a line dance I choreographed 40 minutes earlier. I had goosebumps the whole time. I miss teaching dance and particularly teaching young people. There is an enthusiasm and openness that speaks to my soul. It reminded me that this was my first love and my first act of service when I was a youth myself. When we joined the youth group, the atmosphere was a lot more welcoming. As the conversation was wrapping up, some of the youth requested singing the song again, "Beautify Your Tongues". Five youth arose with enthusiasm and confidence to step into the field of service as animators. The group followed up with the interested youth and they are ready to start NOW. They will be meeting on Sunday at Burger King to plan for training.

In Florence, my hometown, I was teamed with a local believer as we went to visit the homes of people who had declared 40 years ago. We found some people were not home, one had moved, and another had passed away. Nancy and my visit with one elderly Baha'i was so filled with love, spiritual conversation, and friendliness that I left with a joyous heart. It looks like I will be accompanying my mother in her neighborhood in Florence. I am so excited!

Now  I am home in Raleigh. Clothes have been washed, groceries bought, books read with my son, meals prepared and eaten, and in between I have written and unpacked my heart and mind. Tomorrow I get to go to Charlotte to accompany a community that is having their first Children's Class Teacher gathering in a very long time. This week I meet with the neighborhood Youth Movement team as we lay out the final plans for youth outreach to start next week. This week I will meet with my mom and local friends as we plan for follow up in her neighborhood which may include starting a Children's class and a devotional. Monday I see my junior youth and I look forward to it as I have missed them! The work keeps on keeping on. We are marching to the kingdom!

The After Baby Body - Facebook Note: January 4, 2014 at 5:05pm

The After Baby Body

January 4, 2014 at 5:05pm

PublicFriendsFriends except AcquaintancesOnly MeCustomClose FriendsADECSee all lists...M.A.TADECAbu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates AreaMaxwell International SchoolFamilySouth CarolinaMaxwellLife FriendsFamilySalsa Queen ProductionsAbu DhabiKoreaChicagoCharlotteAtlantaLimited ProfileRyan's FriendD.C. ConferenceRaleigh, North Carolina AreaAroha LifeAcquaintancesGo Back

Yesterday I had a conversation with a dear sister friend that I have avoided having with anyone but my husband. And, honestly, I haven't really discussed it with my husband other than to complain and say unflattering things about myself. The after-baby body takes a lot of getting used to. A lot to accept, especially for someone who spent the vast majority of her life very thin and not thinking much about staying in shape. I find that the habit of exercise is a hard disciplin to learn when you have never really contemplated how important it is. I mean, this is the delusion of thinness, that it is healthy. Actually, being thin may LOOK healthy but thin people may lack stamina, cardio endurance, and muscle strength. I was and now for sure, am very unhealthy. I never thought about the fact that my stomach was flat without having to work at it or that I could wear size 4-6 clothes. I remember being called skinny a lot and people commenting on how thin I was, like it was a bad thing. I didn't exercise and THAT was a bad thing.

Now, now I have fat in places I never have. I have a scar that is never going to go away. I cannot wear any of my favorite pants and my shirts only accentuate my belly. The belly that was home to my son for 9 months.

I didn't realize just how much I was affected by the images and standards of health and beauty until now. I am only 8 months post-partum and I am beating myself up for not having lost the weight or burned off the fat.

Then today, at my son's first swim class, my vanity, idle fancies and vain imaginings, were silenced. I saw a mother, 6 and a half months post partum, in a bikini with her beautiful baby and stretch marked, saggy belly who walked as if she was the most beautiful woman in the place. And she was. Fearless and unconcerned, she walked into the water with her son and enjoyed the moment that they had together. And I loved her for it.

When did I buy into the idea that evidences of one of the most beautiful experiences a person can have in this lifetime was something to be ashamed of or feel less attractive because of? It is a disappointing realization but I acknowledge my humaness and will get myself healthier, not because of the weight of society's expectations but so that I can have the energy, strength, and flexibility to be the mother to a very active son. To be able to enjoy the moments we have.