Soul Work Revisited

6/28/07  Letter to Therapist

I hope you are having a nice time in Japan. Since our last session I have been reading a book that is considered Sacred Writings by Baha'is and another book that is about our spiritual powers and healing. It has been very interesting how these two books are actually working together. They fit and I am beginning to find ways to finally heal spiritually. I will bring both books when we have our next sessions. One thing I am trying to do is live in the present and that has been good in some ways. I am beginning to feel different. It has also been difficult in other ways. I wrote something that I will share with you now:

 

I am almost moving on. Almost. This attempt to live in the present is helping. I keep going back to the fact that he thought I was unworthy. Great as friend but not in a relationship and he never looked back. He was heartbroken when the virgin married someone else. He was hurt by that. Me. The person he spent nearly a year with. The person whose family he met. The person he was with when her grandmother died. The person who met his parents. The person who revealed the pain of her soul to him. He forgot. Like a second thought if even that.

 

I am trying to learn to live in the present but something in my mind won't let go the past. I let go then snatch it back. Like if I don't remember no one will. If no one remembers then it didn't really happen. It keeps coming back to that one moment. To those words. I don't want to let it go. If I do it means I have forgiven him. It means that he did nothing wrong.

 

I am beginning to notice a consistancy. When I begin to really heal from not just this abusive relationship but also the things that happened to me as a child I get scared because I don't know what to do with the free feeling I get. I grab onto the most recent violation to not feel the "holes" left when the anger subsides and the sadness. I think I need to be in a place where as I am letting go I am also receiving something to fill the "holes" simultaneously.

 

This is all about getting to Love. Anger and Love cannot reside in the same heart. One must be stronger than the other. I want it to be Love.

 

Peace~

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6/30/07 Response from Therapist

wow.  some very useful and powerful insights. you are right on!

i would like to see these books you are reading.  i am really glad to hear that they are helping you. and that they are actually complementing eachother.

forgiving him does not mean he hasn't done anything wrong.  forgiving him does not undo the wrong he's done.  you forgive him BECAUSE he's done something wrong, and you don't want to be miserable about it any longer.  we need to remember that God forgiving us and man forgiving his fellowman are quite different levels of forgiveness.  God's forgiveness is cleansing, sanctifying, and purifying.  man's forgiveness is [only] all about getting along with one another in the sinful world.  and of course we should try to reflect our God's character as much as possible but we have not been given the power to erase wrongdoings.  that is, rightfully, only in the hands of God.

'moving forward'...  'living in the present'...doesn't mean the past never happened. nor does it mean we forget the past. it means we are less and less, negatively affected by it.

familiarity...  very powerful.  sometimes, we become so comfortable with being uncomfortable that we are only comfortable replacing the 'uncomfort' with more 'uncomfort'.  you have come upon a very very important principle of life- when we lose/ take away something we've had for a while, it needs to be replaced with something else or we have a 'gap'.  the more meaningful the 'thing', the deeper/wider the gap. smokers wanting to quit need to replace their cigarette; linus, should he ever feel the need to lose his blanket, would need something to replace the
blanket. 

the need to replace could come from any sphere of life- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual/meaning , biological, physiological, behavioural etc and of course, in combination too.

you identified 'love' as what needs to be a bigger part of your life.  great!!

just thinking generally, i wonder if it wouldn't be 'a more pleasant experience' to nurture love in your present than to expend your energy trying to deflate hate.  this is all about perception.  do we give more attention to love or to hate?  you said that both cannot reside together.  if one grows, the other fades.  would we be happier looking upon 'love' or
looking upon 'hate'?  have you ever ridden a bicycle? the body follows the head, and more specifially, the eyes. whatever direction you're looking in, that's the direction you begin to go in.

but! what i just said does not preclude the issues that need to be dealt with.  issues need to be looked at; healing needs to be initiated before reaching the above stage.

how are you/would you, specifically, expressing/like to express, hold, nurture, more love in your life?

you are doing very well, adalia. of course, you have been for a while.

i hope this email finds you well.