Pulling Out the Thorn

‎This is eventually what happens when I meet someone who inspires me to revisit my myself. I begin to feel things that I haven't felt for some time and I begin to question. I take up the task of healing where I left off.  Or rather where I never went. I am finding gems on the path of healing by re-reading my own writing and my consultations with others. Recently too, I have read some quotes on Facebook that have resonated with me. All of them together tell me the direction I must go to reconnect what was disconnected. To finally embrace the spiritual power I received pre-birth. To finally forgive and be at peace with my past. 


This is the focus of this post:  I think I need to be in a place where as I am letting go I am also receiving something to fill the "holes" [anger,sadness] simultaneously. 


A friend's Facebook post that speaks to the process of "refilling": "Be not the slave of your moods, but their master. But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier load than you...".

Excerpt from an email to therapist in 2007: "I am beginning to notice a consistency. When I begin to really heal from not just this abusive relationship but also the things that happened to me as a child I get scared because I don't know what to do with the free feeling I get. I grab onto the most recent violation to not feel the "holes" left when the anger subsides and the sadness. I think I need to be in a place where as I am letting go I am also receiving something to fill the "holes" simultaneously. This is all about getting to Love. Anger and Love cannot reside in the same heart. One must be stronger than the other. I want it to be Love."

A friend of mine reminded me of a piece of guidance from Abdu'l-Baha: " your therapist said 

"i wonder if it wouldn't be 'a more pleasant experience' to nurture love in your present than to expend your energy trying to deflate hate. this is all about perception. do we give more attention to love or to hate?"it seems Abdu'l-Baha agrees: 

"When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love."
to me that sounds like the same idea: not concentrating on getting rid of the hate, but rather on growing love." 

I woke up this morning knowing what I needed to do. The stream of thinking above is where my mind was as I opened my eyes. I am right back to where I have been numerous times before. The only way I will be happy and will feel as sense of purpose is to finally embrace the spiritual energy at my core, learn spiritual discipline and infuse it into all I do. I have felt drawn to doing a couple of things: get to a country that encourages the development of meditation and learn from practitioners; travel through Central and South America studying dance and movement; and get my chorepoem on stage. 

There are four things I can do now that will create a spiritual foundation and make travel possible: generate more income by possibly doing private lessons in English as well as dance; start volunteering here in Abu Dhabi; continue with my prayer and meditation routine; and phase out the dance classes until I have only 2, one for general fun and another that will challenge participants and myself. 

Through my healing journey I have learned to heal intentionally. It will be important to apply this same thinking to my current stage of growth. I don't want service to become a diversion. It must be a conscience act, focusing on refilling the released sadness and anger with love and joy. I feel I must say "Good-bye" to the  old hurts as I replace the space with positive energy. There is a finality to it. An acknowledgement that a new step has been taken.  Maybe, just maybe, I can recapture that part of me that is not judgmental, is pure, and loves being of service. 

O my GOD!! I see now what I let him take from me. I see now what power I gave him. It was more than the power to judge but the power to define who I was. He compared be to another person and using his fear of my past childhood abuse, told me I was not innocent, pure, and did not love service because she was these things. I shared with him something so raw and painful and he turned my pain into a reason to choose someone else who was "better than me". I had so given up my power for the promise of being loved that I allowed another person to define who I was and this is what I have not been able to forgive. I let him take away what is the best of me. With patient healing, focusing on love and service, I can recapture that part of me that is not judgmental, is pure, and loves being of service.