Worth a Read..Major Reflection

I didn't come home expecting anything. I mean, I left America for Korea expecting nothing, and I came back expecting nothing. I have found that having no expectations helps me to feel less let down. So I wasn't expecting to see this "evolved" person that I have become. Still myself just maybe a little more "finely tempered"...to use the words of Baha'u'llah. The other thing I wasn't expecting was this heightened sensitivity to what I will call the "unspoken". You know all those words not being said or those feelings being felt? Something happened during my weekend in Conway.

About five years ago now I left an incredible group of young people. Some of them people I had known since they were babies. At the time they were somewhere between Jr high and High school. I know how much I have changed in the past few years so I wasn't expecting them to be the same when I returned. In all honesty I wasn't expecting much. Now most of them are in their first year of college and I have come home to a group of struggling young adults. I have only gotten glimpses of what some of them are dealing with through a mutual friend. I have come to realise that I am having to negotiate new forms of interaction with a few people. My mother was the first person and now these young people that I love so dearly.

Friday there was a party. I wanted to go so that I could see some people that I hadn't seen since I returned. It wasn't a Baha'i party where drinking and drugs are not present...I knew this. Well, the group of them showed up at Ody's house and the folks I wanted to see were among them. Yet, I felt this hostility or defensiveness the moment they walked through the door. A couple of them didn't want me to come...that was obvious. I talked with one of them for a little while, catching up. There was a tension in the air. Finally one of them said no that they didn't want me to come and they were out the door shortly after. I was hurt. I sat there in silence for a few minutes. I really thought about it. Why it hurt. It wasn't that they didn't want me to come. It was everything that was unsaid.

Saturday some of them showed up at Ody's again. She had called them the night before and fussed them out for how they had treated me...one of them came to apologize. They had stayed up all night and another one ended up sleeping at Ody's all day. I held no hard feelings toward them but I knew we needed to talk. I waited until later that night to begin the "re-negotiation"talk.

With the two of them I spoke about why I was hurt. It was that they assumed that I would judge them. That I knew the real reason there was a problem with me coming was because they would be doing stuff that they didn't want me to see. I knew it wasn't an age thing and they confirmed that for me during our conversation. I began to talk with them about choices. That now they were responsible for the choices that they make. I am no longer the responsible party. I was annoyed by the fact that they assumed that I had never been to a party where there was drinking and drugs...although I chose not to partake. Although when I went to parties like that I always looked out for my friends. I go dancing all the time. I haven't been to a club yet that didn't sell alcohol.

I understand that everyone has their own journey. I made good choices and bad choices. I told them that some of the choices they are making now may have concequences 5, 10, 20 years from now. One of them asked me to explain what that meant because no one had talked with them about it before. I have never been one to pretend that I don't have skeletons in my closet and I have no problem sharing them when the time is right. This was one of those particular times. I spoke to her about the consequences of both my good and bad choices...how at the age of 30 I am still dealing with some the consequences of both. I told them that they didn't need to tell what they were dealing with unless they wanted to share. That they could reach me whenever they wanted to talk and that I would come see them if they needed me to. I think I experienced to a very small degree what it must be like to be a parent...to detach yourself and hope that your children will be kind to themselves...will make good choices...to trust that they will find their way. I will be a listening, non-judgemental ear who will not shrink from saying what is needed, who will not treat them as children but as adults. The rest is up to them.

There was this nagging feeling though that stayed with me long after our talk was over. The air was cleared. The re-negotiation understood. But there was this deep feeling I could not shake and it was connected to one person. I felt physically ill with what I was sensing. I knew something was really wrong. Deeply wrong. I couldn't shake it. I called them when I finally got home and told them what I was feeling. They said that what I was feeling was right. Hopefully we will talk soon. They were busy and couldn't talk but I am worried...I cannot be pushy though.

Ahhhhh, what an interesting time I am having being home.