Happy Grey Day

i wish i could be happy. today is a happy today. i want to feel happy. i got to play a very small part in a very historic shift in the possibilties for humanities' future. Barack Obama is President of the United States! the first ever person of color to hold the most powerful position in America's government. after centuries of oppression, long and terrible journey's from the coast of Africa, torture, death, struggle, starts and stops, the hopes of every person in our history came true with his election. of course there is a long road ahead and it may not be like the one my ancestors traveled but it will be long none-the-less. me, being a student of history, a person who knows the power of change within her own life, understanding the deep significance of the years ahead...i wish i could be happy.

today has been a hard day. i don't know why either. i woke up feeling depressed with my thoughts on him and all the mistakes i made. i have been hounded all day by my poor choices and his absense. i am trying so hard not to be drawn into depression. i am not sure if it is really connected to him or if i am feeling badly and projecting it onto that situation. in any case, i hope this is the last time i go through this with my saddness connected to him. i know i go through low points and probably this has nothing to do with him but the next time i hope he does not come to mind when i am sad. i don't think well of myself when i begin to pull things apart during a low point. it is hard for me to focus and i feel so tired. all of my negative feelings and words come to mind and because i am so tired i just don't have the energy to redirect them.