In Gratitude for Abundant Gifts

As I left home earlier this week for a doctor's appointment, one of my neighbors was coming home and we got to talking. As the conversation was winding down a purse appeared from out of nowhere and she was handing it to me. "This is a gift from me to you." She explained how she came to buy it and when I tried to turn her down she simply said, "Have you ever bought something that you thought was for you but actually it was meant for someone else?" My answer was, yes. More than once in fact. I was so touched and moved by this spontaneous act of kindness that it really got me thinking.

I began to revisit the past few weeks with all of its challenges, set backs, and emotions. I meant to write weeks ago about my hospital experience with doctors and nurses who remembered me fondly and truly went out of their way to make me well. Very contentious and sincere in their desire to understand the complications from the C-Section. One nurse in particular stands out from my third visit to the hospital. She told me that I looked so much better than the last time she saw me, she had been thinking about me and actually had gone home and prayed for me to get better. She left the room with tears in her eyes. Every doctor or nurse that I saw more than once remarked about how they were thinking of me and my visits always ended with us saying that we hoped we didn't see each other again unless it was someplace like a grocery store or the park. Numerous gifts of compassion and being a recipient of excellent health care. 

My neighbor's spontaneous act of kindness brought back to me the faces of every person who came into our home to be of assistance during a difficult time. Some people drove me to the hospital and they stayed with me as I waited to be seen. Some prayed with me. Some brought food. Some did laundry, washed dishes, sterilized bottles, held the baby so I could eat. Some just sat and visited. Some came for moral support. And one person helped to arrange many of the opportunities for others to perform such beautiful acts of service. And one person drove from a long distance to be with us. Amazing gifts of time and love. 

At one point, early on during this life changing experience, I remember lying in my hospital bed thinking that there had to be some reason for what was happening. I remember thinking why would it be that someone who had wanted to have a baby for so long, who had done a lot of self work to hopefully break negative cycles from family of origin,  who was ready for motherhood - why would it be that from the beginning I would not be able to fully experience holding, feeding, carrying my son. The only thing I came to mind was time. All of the complications allowed time for me to transition into becoming a mother and I had permission. I was given time to think, to feel emotions, to feel the effects of the hormones leaving my body, and to let it sink in that things for me would never be the same. It also presented an opportunity for my husband to take on what mothers are expected to do right away and that is the complete care of another person. My husband and son were able to bond and any misgivings or lack of confidence my husband may have felt had to be conquered in order to set up to the plate. And he did so with natural ability and great love. Yet more gifts. Gifts of time, a stronger marriage, and family cohesion. 

Although I was aware of the plenitude of gifts I was being given, I was first overwhelmed by the powerlessness and fear I felt after experiencing numerous health problems. I feel a deep gratitude for the gift of writing. To be able to form words that can bring thought, feelings and experiences out and therefore, more concrete. Sharing my writing brought to me gifts of wisdom and encouragement. It is meditative and therapeutic for me to be able to write and it was writing out my experiences that brought me here. Here to this space where I can finally also acknowledge the beauty of all I experienced in the gifts I received. 

I have thought numerous times on the tale of of Majnun. His desperate search for his love Layli brought him to a city where he was doggedly chased by night watchmen. Their pursuit of him brought him to a high wall and with his last bit of strength, he climbed over it throwing himself down into a garden on the other side. He looked up to see his beloved Layli in this garden where she was searching for a ring she had lost. In that moment he realized that the night watchmen were a gift from God. Had he known where they would bring him, he would have blessed them from them from the beginning.

Being able to see the end in the beginning and embracing the tests and difficulties that may come our way is a true act of radiant acquiescence and faith. Hopefully someday, I will get there but I am grateful that I am able to see every gift, even if it is at the end of this journey.