Decompressing...Finally

It has been two weeks, almost three, since our son was born. For most of that time I have been either in the hospital or recuperating. Trying to recuperate. This time has been a crash course in acquiescence. Accepting the circumstances with a spirit of humility, courage, trust, love, and faith. It has been hard to endure every pain both big and small. I am scared shitless the majority of the time and my mantra has been, "Ya-Baha'u-l Abha!" I am grateful to be home now where I am able to sleep and if I can embrace the help without guilt, I can rest as my husband does the impossible...juggle all of the balls that have been thrown in the air. Our son is beautiful and such a gift to us. He smiles in his sleep. He has the funniest facial expressions. He sometimes looks at us as if he is staring into our very hearts. He sleeps, eats, poops, pees and gains weight. This is the job of a newborn :)

I have been struggling with having my vision of how my first birth would go. Nothing I envisioned happened except having a healthy, cuddly, beautiful son. I feel robbed of some sort of happiness. I have had a delayed opportunity to fully be with my son. I have felt in limbo, slightly on the outside of this new family I am in. Even now, I have dull pains that make it hard for me to hold my son for long periods of time. I am also so very sleepy and I have no idea how to catch up. I feel so guilty about all that my husband is doing that I don't allow myself to sleep as much as I should.

A wonderful thing my husband and I are learning is how to ask for help. We have friends volunteering to come and assist where needed. We are learning to ask and accept this help and in a way, we are encouraging community building. It has been a lesson in humility.

Now to feeding the baby!