Patience Post-Partum - True Talk

What was my imagined, what I realize now to be, my romanticized birthing/post partum experience? I would go to the Birthing Center after resting all day and waiting for the contractions to be 5 minutes apart lasting 1 minute. My husband, mother, doula and mid-wife would be there - and they all were. During labor I would be able to eat all of the foods I wanted to eat to keep my energy up. During labor we would practice all of the pain managing techniques learned in birthing class. I would go through all of the stages of labor and would deliver my son in the birthing tub. When my son was born he would be put on my chest and my husband would cut the umbilical cord when we felt it was time. I was prepared for all the messy immediate post birth stuff and we even bought a sits bath for the first time I would use the bathroom after a vaginal delivery. (The sits bath was never used.) I would nurse right away and we would sleep. I had prepared an "after birth meal" and we would have eaten it right there at the Birthing Center. I imagined feeling like I was in a cocoon after the birth with just me, my husband, and our son in it. We would come home where we'd rest and gently transition into being parents. I would spend a few weeks recovering and would be fully recovered by 6 weeks. I would be able to wear my son (sling), nurse, walk, drive, dance, exercise. This was my imagined experience. Below is the reality:

I have abdominal separation which is a pretty common condition that occurs during pregnancy. Basically, as the baby gets bigger near the end, the abdominal muscles can separate to accommodate.  This happened for me with my son but the condition was exacerbated further during the C-section when the doctors had to stretch these muscles apart to get to the uterus. To make matters even more complicated, I had a haematoma under half of the incision which was opened to clean it out and left open. So, for now, my husband will continue packing the wound twice a day and I cannot start exercise until this wound is healed. I am basically 6 weeks post-partum  and this would be the normal time to start considering exercise. Me, I am going to have to wait. So my belly is all soft and I still look pregnant. I am not so bothered by the still looking pregnant part as much as the soft belly part. It is really uncomfortable. I never realized just how often I used my ab muscles or how much they supported my posture and physical equilibrium. So, yet another post partum plan that I have had to relinquish was to start taking dance and yoga/pilates classes.

I feel like I am being tested in many ways. I have never considered myself a patient person but I was forced to be patiently flexible in Abu Dhabi. I thought I had learned. Apparently I didn't. I feel like a live wire ready to explode most days and tempering that with patience is tough. It would be nice to be able to put my son in a baby sling so I can go about my business while wearing him. It would be nice to be able to hold him for as long as I want without by stomach becoming painful. It would be nice if this wound in my gut would heal so that I don't feel discomfort every time I walk. It would be nice to be able to sleep on my side again without my rib cage hurting. It would be nice to have my body back. Now I am looking at MONTHS of recovery. I make little efforts to see the small victories. The wound in my gut is getting smaller. I am only on blood thinners now. I am in far less pain now. Half of the incision is completely healed. I am no longer having pain in my kidney area. Patience. Slow going recovery.

Let me be real. Some would say, "BUT you have a beautiful baby boy! Enjoy him and don't worry about the rest." Yes, I do have a lovely son that I am not able to fully enjoy because of my physical complications. I can push it. I can do lots of lifting and carrying but what will happen in the long run? Will I heal as well as I can? Do I chance long term problems for short term gratification? My answer is, "No" and it is an answer I have to live with. It is the answer that forces me to accept that nothing I had hoped to experience during birth or post partum came to pass and I can choose to radiantly acquiesce, be depressed, or be angry that I had such a shitty experience with all of its complications. I think I have mostly been angry. Every once in a while I descend into "feeling sorry for myself tears" but I definitely have not radiantly acquiesced. That requires letting go of the vain imaginings but I am more interested in being pissed at the moment. I think I am moving towards radiant acquiesce. I figure like most life changing, life altering, life disappointing experiences one moves through stages and I am about tired of being angry. Maybe someday I will be able to peacefully surrender to life's randomness without hesitation. I am not there yet and I look at my gorgeous son and wish I could do more.