Breathing

as unbelievable as it may sound i have finally turned a corner! after really allowing myself to take a good look at what was happening inside me i finally reached the core of what i have been dealing with. as a result i have been able to let go of the idea of being anything more to this guy that a friend, if he will want to even re-establish a connection with me. the biggest thing about this has been the internal shift i have experienced. once i figured out that i had created a "personality" or a strategy during my childhood to protect myself, i have been thinking, "How do I get rid of it?" through talking with my therapist today i realized that i don't need to "get rid" of the "child warrior" but rather, incorporate the best parts of what i learned to do as a child to protect myself. i embrace the "child warrior", welcoming her warmly into adulthood. we do not banish the warriors of our past because they made decisions in that moment that meant survival. i don't have to disown what my child spirit created to help me protect myself. this is profound for me. yes, there things i did as a child that i cannot do now. there are choices i made then that would be unacceptable now because i can protect myself and i know better. i will spend the next few days and weeks reaquainting myself with myself. i will work on my anger and being hard on myself. try to make decisions that honor who i am and respect others.

i am so grateful for this time. it has been so very difficult and painful and tiring. i think i can finally breathe.