Last Words

i don't understand. even after all of the work i have done. even as i have let go of the idea of having him in my life as anything more than a friend...i still miss him dearly. even after accepting that we both did some things wrong and i have seen how it may have been an imbalanced friendship, i still miss him. it is a dull constant ache like no other. i think i am feeling the weight of regret and disappointment. i am looking back on things with new eyes and am wishing i had them at the time. this is one person i never thought i would loose as a friend...maybe as something more but never as a friend. i was not expecting him to cut me out...cut me off. i thought he would be around after i had been able to work through things. he isn't. this speaks volumes to me about how he handles things. it is a reminder of another childhood memory...the disappearing act of my father. i wonder if i am destined to have guys in my life who jump ship when things get hard or when he is disappointed. i didn't see this in him at first but i do now and it is heart breaking...all of it is heartbreaking. i connected well with someone. i misinterpreted that connection. i introduced the idea of it possibly becoming something more. things became very confusing afterwards. bad choices on both sides. i let myself love someone who didn't love me. i let myself become involved in a psuedo relationship that got my heart broken. i made the decision to step back and really look at me and the pattern. he made the choice to make the step back permenant. everything in a nut shell. i must say i did play it to a "T", my life script...become involved with a person that has no hope of doing anything other than crashing and burning...someone completely unavailable and fundamentally, afraid of everything i represent. i am crying and hurting too much over something that was meant to be finite and temporary. this is it. no more about him. i have said it all.