Thinking and Being

I can't seem to decide if I want to be single or not. I mean, I want to meet guys and go out on dates, but I really don't think I want anything serious at the moment. I like the fact that I can get up and go with no one to hold me back but me. I like this feeling of freedom. Still, there is a place in me that would rather be with someone than be alone. I feel like there are some loose ends that need tying up in my personal life. Some unresolved stuff from childhood. I also think I am still a bit bitter from my last relationship. I don't know if it is necessarily bitterness but rather, I was ripped apart and I still feel raw...I don't have the same control as before when it comes to what I may say to someone. I actually struggle sometimes because the words are right at the surface and all I have to do is open my mouth. For instance, the other night I was talking with Nevin and I told him I was doing some online dating...nothing serious, only been at it for like two weeks...anyway, he asked me if the guy was a Baha'i and I said no and what did it matter anyway. He said something to the effect that I should give it some time and man, the words just came out, "I am tired of waiting for Baha'i guys. I am through with chasing after people. Baha'i guys need to grow some balls. They are weak and cowards. I am tired of dealing with cowards. I can tell when a guy is interested in me and if he doesn't approach me than I am not going to do anything. If he likes me he will say something." Yeah. I said that. I thought about it later and realised that it isn't just guys who are Baha'is but the guys I meet in general.

I know that I am not very approachable. I guess it is a way of carrying myself that I have gotten used to and it is a protection. I figure that if a guy can approach me than he is pretty at ease with himself. But with some thought I did realise though, that a guy won't approach a lady if there is no indication that she may share interest. This is something I am now mulling over. I am not a flirt so I guess the only way a guy would know that I am interested is if he were to get to know me. Now I have had some pretty crazy guys step up to me...ones that I don't trust in broad daylight.

Lots to think about. Maybe not think about but rather to change in small pieces of time. I am tired of thinking. Being is much nicer.