Relapse

after reading the talk by Dr. Danesh on marriage and sexuality i felt really sad. i look at so many of my past encounters with guys i was attracted to and i am finding that they were all so painful and ended because i lacked self knowledge. some people i would never have become involved with had i known myself better.

i had a wonderful weekend in Atlanta celebrating my birthday. i will write more about that in a separate blog. i wanted to write about the fact that i didn't feel his absence until i came home. it is always when i come home. coming home has become so difficult. i figured out that he is definitly involved with this other girl. this is a trigger for me still. i think i have been so hurt by past experiences that his choice hits a deep sadness inside me...an ancient, old sadness. for some reason i feel that this says something about me. i translate it into a personal thing. i know that most folks who really care about someone and are passed over for someone else, feel rejection. i know that i am not alone and that what i feel is normal. but i am talking about me and not everyone else. i don't want this to be a trigger anymore. i don't want it to hurt me so deeply and profoundly anymore. i think that it is related to my family of origin and what i internalized from watching my parents relationship.

i wish so badly that i had made other choices with him. i wish i had not developed feelings for him. i wish that i had been able to just let things be. he was a very good friend so not only did i lose a guy i loved but i have also lost a friend i loved. i have already told him that i would not initiate anymore contact with him and that i will assume any lack of communication on his part is his choice not to be in contact. he did call when i sent him a text telling him to read his email. i am not sure if he has read the email but i do know that the conversation was awkward. if he has read the emails he has not contacted me so i am assuming that me being in his life is not something he wants. in all honesty it is probably the best choice cuz i deeply deplore drama and i am pretty certain there would be drama if he and i were in contact.

i know that he is a diamond in the rough. i know that he has growing to do. i would have waited. i would have been a friend to him. i would have not felt that i was missing out on anything by waiting because i also have things to do. i would have waited. i would have encouraged him on his path. i would have been clear and open with him when he needed it. i would have waited. he would be the person i would call when i had a victory or had a setback. i would have called him to bounce ideas off of and seek council about things i am weak in that i know he has strengths in. i would have waited.

i hate that i keep lapsing into this. i am going longer without feeling the loss of him. little by little it will all disappear.