foiled plans lead to changes

....i have been safely home for weeks but i just haven't had the time to really post any updates. maybe, someday, i will write at length but at the momement i have a short venting to get out.

last night i arranged a going away party for my brother. a few folks came out. people that he has felt have been significant folks in his life here in korea. things were great until i asked folks to write something down that i could compile in a book for him to take with him. everyone wrote and when everyone was finished i asked if folks could read theirs out loud. that was a bad idea. so many people said no. i am not sure if they wrote things so personal they couldn't share or they were insecure about reading what they wrote in front of others. no clue. well this rejection by most in the group was then followed with folks who didn't even want to give me what they wrote for me to arrange in a book. it was going to be my final project for my brother before he left. i was going to arrange it like a scrap book complete with colors and doodles but after all of the rejections it squashed the energy behind it.

after talking this over some with a friend i realised that folks just didn't think it was all that important and because it wasn't important to them therefore i was being silly to become upset. i sensed it in the condescending way i was treated by one person and this made me even angrier.

i think i assumed a certain level of trust and connectedness existed but it doesn't.
so i am really wondering where i want these people in my life. where they fit? i am finding that i don't really know most of them and the ones i do know weren't the least bit supportive. i won't do anything like this again. i have been so angered by the whole thing. i think from here on out, after my brother is gone, i will just focus on doing what i need to do and not so much on trying to create relationships with people here. i feel like i am done.